Page 64 of Free Fall

“Is that what this whole free solo thing is about? Not relying on anything or anyone?”

“Just me and my body against an uncaring rock wall? Which will prevail? Yeah. Something like that. It’s a battle I feel in my soul and a communion of sorts. An acknowledgement of my absolute lack of importance in the world, the meaninglessness of life. My existential crisis made manifest.”

“Christ.”

“Yeah.”

“You say all that like I say ‘I put too much milk in my cereal and now it’s soggy.’ You say it like it’s nothing at all.”

“You have to make your peace with it, you know?” Dan shifts in his bag. “To be a free soloist, you can’twantto die, but you can’t hate the idea of dying too much either. I don’t typically tell anyone before I free solo something, and I don’t always tell people after I’ve done it either. Some climbs I keep just for myself.”

“Why?”

“Because they’re not for public consumption. Nothing I do is for public consumption. My motivations are pure.”

“Pure…”

“Untainted by the pursuit of money or fame.”

“Right. But money is good, right? It’s nice to have some things that only money can provide. Like shelter, food, and that sort of thing.”

“You sound like Peggy Jo. Of course, those things are great, but they’re for the future. Once I’ve achieved my goal.”

I push my hair back away from my face. “What goes into achieving a free solo climb like you’re planning?”

“Lots of practice and preparation. Day in and day out. This…” he motions between us. “This is a distraction from it, to be honest. I shouldn’t be pursuing this. I need to keep my head in the game, and instead I find myself thinking about you. About fucking you, sure, but also just like…what your hair looks like all down and spread over your shoulders with the sun shining on it… like polished ebony.”

“Dan, you’re a secret romantic, aren’t you?”

“Maybe. I’m just finding out these things about myself. I haven’t ever…I don’t typically…Like I said, you’re a distraction I shouldn’t be pursuing, and yet I want to. I’ve always told myself that life is about doing what you want, when you want, as much as possible.”

“You’re not going to get hurt because I’m so distracting, are you?” I feel both flattered and afraid.

He blows a raspberry in the darkness. “Of course not. I’m far too good at what I do for that.”

“What happens if you fall? Do you think about that?”

“Of course. It’s part of my training actually. Mental training.” He sits up again and combs both hands through his hair, and then looks right at me. “The night before I free solo anything, I spend a few hours imagining the entire climb, and typicallyit’s the crux—the hardest part—that scares me the most. So, I’ll imagine myself failing at it, falling, and measure exactly how long I have before I hit bottom. I think about Peggy Jo and now, sometimes, Rye. How they’ll feel. Imagine them crying. But then I imagine how they’ll move on—and they will. It won’t take them very long even. And if something happened to me, you’d move on too. Everyone moves on. You’ve learned that by losing your mom, haven’t you?”

“No. I haven’t.” I feel a deep hurt inside both for him and for myself. “In fact, I’ve learned the opposite of that. I’ve learned that I’lllive, yeah, but I’ve learned that she’s the one and only mom I’ll ever have. She’s the one who raised and loved me. I lost alotwhen I lost her.” I pause, reach out to take his hand and he lets me. “You’d be the one and only Dan, you know. The one and only Dan for Peggy Jo, and Rye, and…well, I guess for me. Forever. I think, because of your childhood, you don’t realize how irreplaceable of a person you are.”

“I don’t think I’mreplaceable, just not that especially important to anyone at all.”

“What if you became important to someone? To me?”

“Then…then we’d have to see.”

“See what?”

“See what happened then.”

I sigh and pull my hand back. “You’re damaged goods, aren’t you?”

“Sure am, Doc.” He leans back, cupping his head with his hands and gazing up at the sky.

“Oh, man. What am I choosing to get into?”

“Hopefully my sleeping bag, because I know we said no sex, but I’m dying to just kiss you.”