Page 49 of Free Fall

“I knew as soon as the words left her mouth, son, that she was telling me how much she loved me. She was telling me she’d have wished for another future for me that didn’t have this pain. But I also knew I wouldn’t have traded a single dang moment wehad together, just her and me, or the three of us as a family, for any kind of life with another woman. I lost your mom too early, but even if I’d lost her way before I did, even if I’d only had a few years with her, it would’ve been worth it.”

“Oh.” I see now what he’s trying to say.

Dad’s voice is serious when he asks, “Do you love him like that?”

“No, not yet anyway. I barely know him.”

“So, this is your chance to run,” Dad says.

“Exactly. And I feel like Ishouldrun. He’s not a good long-term bet.”

“Right.”

The Sierra-Nevada mountains loom above the tree line around the yard, hemming me in. They don’t want me going anywhere.

“But even when I run, my feet keep wanting to head back to his door.”

I don’t tell my dad that Dan’s door opens up to a converted van. My eyes fill with tears when my father speaks again. He says exactly what I want to believe and everything I’m afraid to hear.

“Trust your feet, son. Your feet have never steered you wrong.”

CHAPTER NINE

Dan

I’m halfway upthe twelfth pitch on Heart Route, rope soloing again, when my phone vibrates with an incoming message.

I haul myself up to a resting place with a few footholds that’re slightly bigger than the nickel-edge holds I’ve been climbing all morning. I reach into my pocket to pull out my phone. I have it on a string that’s attached to the harness, so I don’t drop it and accidentally murder anyone.

The string gets briefly tangled with one of the carabiners. Once I get it free, I stare at the message preview on my screen. I can’t believe it. I’d nearly given up hope after two more days of radio silence from Sejin.

Are you still interested in hanging out?

With chalky fingers, I press in a question.Hooking up or hanging out?

Hanging out.

I can almost hear the emphatic period he puts at the end of it.

Yes, I send without hesitation. I’ve had his ass a few times, and I’d like to have it again, but I want to win his smile more, I know, whether I like it or not, whether it’s smart or not, this is the first step to achieving that goal.

Sejin replies withI have the weekend off

I do too

Wait, you have a job?

Climbing, yeah

It pays?

It could, I hedge, because I’m not sure this is the exact moment when I want to go into my “purity of motivation” speech with regard to climbing.

But it doesn’t currently?

I get by

Why are we talking about money? I thought we were talking about hanging out, and now he wants to know about money? I haven’t proposed marriage, for fuck’s sake. I just want him to smile at me. Jesus. I wipe a hand over my sweaty face.