Page 38 of Free Fall

“Have you met me?”

He huffs a laugh. “Hm, well, how bad do you want this?”

“Define ‘this.” Because I want his ass pretty bad.”

“By ‘this,’ I mean whatever it takes to get that ass, even if it means something involving feelings.”

“Feelings? Ugh. Fuck, no. I don’t want feelings.”

Lowell chuckles. “Well, maybe that’s why he’s less interested. Maybe he senses that.”

“Do you think it requires feelings to fuck?”

“For some people, yeah. They want a little more than just physical pleasure out of their encounters.”

“What do you think he wants?”

“I don’t know. Could be friendship. Could be love. Or I could be wrong, and he just got his fill and is ready to move on.”

“Friendship,” I say, thinking back to my conversation with Rye about how living in the moment means enjoying time with friends. I remember that particularly beautiful smile in Sejin’s profile picture, the one he’s bestowed on the children and Jeanie and his phone, but not yet on me. “I’m not so good at friendship.”

“You’re not so bad at it either. Maybe just ask him what he wants. Communication is good. Even if all he wants is fucking…or nothing at all.”

Right. I agree with that. I’m always very careful to negotiate consent in every sexual encounter and not just assume that what we’d agreed to last time will be okay this time, and all that. Maybe friendship could be the same. Negotiated. In exchange for his smile and more sex, I could agree to…what? What would he want me to agree to?

I guess I should just ask, like Lowell suggests. How much worse can it get? Sejin’s already losing interest. I can feel it, so I have very little at risk here.

When we reach the end of the trail and circle, Lowell chucks his stuff into the back of his Bronco, and he pulls me in for a hug. “Heard a rumor about you, Dan,” he says as he squeezes me. “Tell me it’s not true.”

“What rumor’s that?” I ask, enduring the prolonged contact without flinching, which I consider a real win.

Lowell releases me. “A rumor about your plans for Heart Route.”

I shrug. “A man’s gotta have goals.”

Lowell stares into my eyes. “I suppose I can’t talk you out of it?”

I shake my head.

“Guess I’ll warn my buddies back in YOSAR about an upcoming smear they’re going to have to clear off El Cap’s floor.”

I know he’s trying to scare me, but it’s not like I haven’t extensively considered that possibility. “Hopefully not.”

“I hope not too. Listen, about that good fuck…”

“Uh-huh?”

“Don’t let him get away. Whatever your plans are for the season, nothing is worth missing out on seeing that through. Believe me. Boom, pow, and wow wins over death-defying climbs in measures of both safety and pleasure. If the worst comes—” He grimaces. “How far up is that first crux?”

“The dyno on Heart Route?”

“Yeah.”

“About 1,000 feet.”

“All right, so that’s…hmm.” He winces. “During that long, ten-second fall, at least you’ll have some amazing sexual memories to have no regrets about, instead of thinking ‘if only I’d banged that guy one more time…’”

I huff, but he’s right. Fucking Sejin again is worth whatever it requires. Even if I do have to be friends with him. I don’t want to die thinking about his sweet hole and his nice dick, and how I never got to feel it inside of me. I need to make this work. At least until it gets stale.