Page 37 of Free Fall

“Mmph,” Lowell mutters.

“No, not seeing someone, but fucking them—”

A passing man gives me a startled glance and puts his arm around his wife as if my curse might damage her in some way.

It’s just the F word. Live a little, dude.

“Uh-huh.” Lowell glances at me, waiting for the rest of my question.

“If you were fucking a guy—uh, not that you fuck guys—”

Lowell shrugs. “I don’t count it out. Just because I haven’t, doesn’t mean I won’t.”

Oh, huh. Interesting.

For a second, I entertain the idea of fucking Lowell, but as soon as I imagine myself naked with all of his alien powerfulness, I lose interest. I guess I want someone I feel more equal to, even though, until Sejin, I hadn’t ever given much thought to what or who I want to be with, per se. More just acted on instinct and impulse. Still, I can’t imagine ever fucking Lowell. It’d be like fucking a demi-god in the midst of his midlife crisis. Too intense and toomuch.

And what do I mean byuntil Sejin?

Like how has Sejinchangedanything? We’ve fucked a few times, and that’s all.

“Spit it out,” Lowell says. “You’re being weird. Not like yourself. What’s gotten under your skin?”

“A guy.”

“Obviously.”

“I fucked him a few times, and it was outstanding.” I get animated, something I rarely do, and it captures Lowell’s attention. He almost trips over a rock, lending a hint of humanity to him for a moment. “It was like boom, pow, and wow. Like,holy shit, did I just shoot my entire soul out my dick or what? Like is this guy made of actualdrugsbecause I feel high and like I could fuck him a million more times before I get enough.”

“Huh.”

I wait for more, but that’s apparently the extent of it. “I’m not kidding.”

“I didn’t think you were.”

“I really want to fuck him again.”

“Then do it.”

“He…” I hesitate. Sejin hasn’t rejected me. He hasn’t declined to meet on Friday, but my gut says something is off and that he’ll cancel before the day is out if I don’t do something. I just don’t know what that something is, or if Ishoulddo it. None of this is in my plans.

“I’m supposed to be training,” I say instead. “He’s a distraction.”

“Training for what?”

I frown and consider. If I tell Lowell the truth, he’s going to have opinions, and he’ll probably tell them to me, because what I’m planning to do is, by all measures, dangerous, and he’s a former search and rescue guy. But I hate lying. I lied my entire childhood just to get by, not that I was very good at it. I wascaught out in those lies often and, at some point, I decided not to lie anymore. So I don’t.

“Heart Route,” I hedge, leaving out the part about free soloing it. It’s a tough enough free climb, and I’ll let Lowell think what he wants.

“You’re young still,” Lowell says, as if he’s eighty instead of barely forty-five. “Let me tell you now, Heart Route will still be waiting for you later, even if it takes two, three years to send it. But the best fuck of your life? He won’t wait.”

I’m silent, hoping he’ll say more, but that’s it. I don’t know if he’s having regrets about the way his marriage ended, or if he’s just speaking the truth, but I know with certainty he’s right. I want to achieve my goal of free soloing Heart Route, but I also know there’s no one else planning on doing it. No one else is as foolhardy as I am. I don’thaveto rush it. I’ve got time.

I mean, I still plan to hit my goals, but I can hit Sejin’s hole too, and it’ll be fine.

“What if he’s seeming less interested all of a sudden?”

Lowell glances at me. “Any particular reason why?”