Page 17 of Free Fall

I scoff. “Me? Cool?”

“I know. I don’t get it either.” Rye sticks his tongue out at me, and I laugh as we navigate the thicker vegetation and rocks that lead to the base of the wall.

“Okay, yeah. Let’s grab some boba or something.” I love boba with tapioca beads. The chewy texture is satisfying. “I saw they started selling it in the coffee shop.”

“The coffee shop?” Rye asks, his eyebrow popping up. “That where you met him?”

“Who?”

“Sejin.”

“Oh, no. Hookup app.”

“Oh.”

“You sound disappointed. Why?” I ask.

“Ha. I guess I am.” Rye smirks. “I was hoping it was something more than a hookup for you guys.”

“More than sex?” I blow a raspberry. “Why would anyone want more than sex?” Though I do. I want hissmile.

“True. Casual sex is great,” Rye agrees. “One of my favorite kinds. ButI’mnot lonely.Youare. You need someone, Dan.”

“Not this again.” I roll my eyes. “I don’t need anyone.”

Rye looks me up and down. “If that’s so true, why not make that bet? It’s just thirty bucks.”

“Nope.” I think of Sejin’s photo again and the smile he flashed me this morning. I don’t make bets I’m sure to lose.

I gaze up at the granite wall of El Capitan ahead of us. It looms large. My gaze follows the lines of Heart Route. I take a slow breath and let it out.

I only make bets if I have achanceto win.

No matter how slim.

*

Up on thewall with Rye, the sky is blue above us, and the trees wave their green, bushy limbs down below. We get into an easy rhythm with Rye leading a pitch and me following him up, and then I lead a pitch and he follows behind.

“You sure this is the route you want to free solo?” he asks, gazing up at the wall ahead. “The roof over the Heart and that fucking dyno, man. That’s…that’s…” He stops just short of declaring it crazy.

I’ve heard it a million times before.

Well, I don’t have enough people in my life for it to be even close to a million, but I’ve heard it a few dozen times at least.

“Yeah. This is the one.”

I can’t explain to him what it is about the route that’s made me choose it. I’ve never been seduced into romantic feelings for any man or woman, but there have been climbing routes that’ve tugged me under their spell more than once. Heart Route, up the face of El Cap, has pulled me in like no other.

Just thinking about free soloing it this fall…my heart thrums, my skin feels electric, and my mind goes blank and calm in a pure, crystalline way that I crave more than anything else in life. That blankness has always been my goal. I love nothing more than when it descends on me while I’m climbing, and it’s just me and glacial bliss stretching out forever. Glacial bliss on glacier-made walls.

No one else ever believes that blankness could be worth the risk of what happens if I make even the tiniest error while up there without ropes. But no one else really understands just how very little I have to lose either. Maybe that’s the difference. They have so much on the ground calling to them, keeping themtethered. I have nothing meaningful down there. Everything of importance to me is up here.

Rye wipes sweat out of his eyes. “Sometimes I don’t know why I’m helping you do this.”

“Because you know I’d just rope solo it if you didn’t.”

“Or find someone else.”