Page 48 of Free Fall

Wow, just talking with my dad has unlocked a part of me I don’t always embrace—the colorful, winding, wordy part thatwasn’t born or bred into me, but was instilled by being soaked in Appalachian culture since I was eight months old.

I fall into my accent harder as I reply. “I’m so happy to hear your voice, Dad. I’ve missed you so much.” It’s instantly true. It happens every time we talk. As soon as I hear his voice, the missing just wells up inside me. It’s part of what makes reaching out hard.

“What’s going on? You don’t call for no good reason.”

I sigh. Earlier, when I’d been sitting in the car, staring at El Cap, I’d had some sort of words planned, but now they escape me. “Boy trouble,” I summarize.

“Ahh. You used to talk to your mom about that.”

“Yeah.”

“So, what’s the problem? He a jackass?”

I laugh. “Pretty much.”

“Cheating on you?”

“No. We aren’t dating, really… Well, we aren’t dating yet.” Because isn’t that sort of what Dan is requesting? We can take the sex out of the equation, but he still wants to spend time with me because he wants to see a very specific version of my smile. Which is so fucking weird and yet…I kind of get it. I want to know more of him too, and that’s what I think hereallymeans. But I’m not an idiot. If I say yes, I want to spend time with him too, then sex is gonna go right back into that equation, and then we’ll be dating, or something very much like it.

Dad and I are quiet together for a moment, which is something I always appreciate about him. Mom would fill in the silence, and I liked that too, because I liked everything about her, but with Dad, I’m given some time to think.

“This guy I’m seeing is a rock climber.”

“Tough guy, then.”

“Very tough. And he does some dangerous climbs.”

“Right.”

I take a deep breath. “What if something happens to him?”

“You think something might happen to him?”

“I think the chances are higher than averageby far.”

“Ah.” He’s quiet again.

“I’m scared to get too close to him, even though I want to at the same time. There’s something about him. He’s kinda odd, and we don’t really know each other very well.” Try at all, outside the bedroom, but I’m not telling my dad that. “I just have a feeling in my gut, if I keep seeing him, I’m going to fall for him. And I’m going to fallhard.”

“Did your mama ever tell you she had those breast cancer genes?”

“Yeah.” I’m a little discombobulated by the apparent change of topic, but I’ll roll with it, see where he’s going. If he just needs to talk about Mom’s death, then that’s okay.

“We didn’t know, of course, when we married. They couldn’t test for it yet back then.”

“Right.”

“But once we found out, I thought and thought andthought. How if we’d known, we could have done things differently. Gotten an early mastectomy or what have you. That kind of thing. I’d have loved her, no matter what.”

“Of course you would have. So would I.”

“But do you know what she said to me?”

“No.”

“She said she wished we’d known when we were young too, because then I could have married someone else, and not gone through all the hard times with her—the infertility, the cancer.”

“Oh.” I suck in a breath.What about me?