Page 107 of Free Fall

“What if you sneeze on the interstate while driving?”

“Everyone’s done that.”

“Some people have died from it.”

“Let’s not fight,” Sejin says, pulling his hand away and taking a step back, squinting up at the rocks in the sun. “I don’t want to fight.”

“Doc?” I need him to understand this.

“Yeah?”

“I’m always safe. I’m safer than at almost any other time when I’m free soloing. When I’m strapped in? I take risks. Big ones sometimes.”

“You can’t tell me that dyno and roof aren’t big risks.”

“They’re risks I believe I’ve minimized with practice.”

Sejin’s chin wobbles.

Fuck, he’s going to cry. I reach out for his hand again and thankfully he gives it to me. Tugging him close, I whisper in his ear, “When I’m up on the rock and it’s just me and the universe, it’s like everything is so big, every breath is so focused. I don’t lose concentration, not even for a moment. I’m dialed in like a telescope. I’m so alive.”

“So alive.” Sejin squeezes my hand. “I get it. Life is more than breathing.”

“Exactly.”

He says nothing more, but I can tell he’s thinking about my words even as he turns back to the van, opens the side door, and peers in. “What do you want to do for lunch? Ham sandwich? A salad?”

And just like that I know our conversation is over for now. I hope that’s a good sign.

*

Sejin

After a dayhiking all around Hidden Valley, clambering up low rocks with Dan, and even letting him rope me—literally—into a very small climb in daylight, I’m exhausted. Covered in dirt, all I can do is wipe myself down with some wet towelettes and hope I’m not actually as dirty as I feel.

Dan, for his part, seems to relish being dusty and stinky, but that’s somehow sexy as hell on him, andthatseems very unfair. I watch him peel off his sweat-soaked shirt, tossing it into the back of the van. We’ve set up an awning to provide shade and a few chairs for us to rest in outside as the sun finalizes its descent, all fiery orange and purple against the horizon.

I’m having a lot of fun despite my fears. Dan never pushes me more than I can handle, and today I ended up loving the daylight climb. We were able to snag a really pretty view from the top of the route, and my joy in it seemed to catch Dan with shared happiness too. He’d smiled with an innocence that I haven’t ever seen in his eyes before, and it made me think of what he might have been like if his childhood had even a little bit of love in it.

Now he’s in the van putting together an egg scramble for dinner, while I rest and hold my hair up to let the breeze rush over my hot neck. Dan is tan all over from his days in the sun, but he’s got some pink in his cheeks and on his arms today. My skin grew darker as the day wore on, and I smirk remembering Dan’s wide-eyed disbelief that I’ve never had a sunburn in my life. It’s not that I’m incapable of getting one, but so long as I put on a little sunscreen, I’ve never been exposed to strong enough rays for a burn to take hold. Today is no different.

“Here,” Dan says, and hands me a plate of eggs, greens, and other veggies.

“I’m going to free solo that one before we leave.” He nods at a spire I know is called Pillar Two. “I’ll take it from the back side and come out on top. You don’t have to watch, but it’d be nice if you did.”

“Do you really want me to?” I know he doesn’t like the pressure of having people on the ground observing when he’s free soloing.

“I think I do,” he says after a few moments of chewing and taking a swig from his water bottle. “I think it might help if you see me do it once.”

The food’s suddenly a lot less appetizing when I’m thinking of Dan going up the side of one of those enormous rock towers without ropes or a harness. “I don’t know…”

I get that he thinks it’ll help me to watch him do it andsucceed, but what if he does it andfails? Then I’ll see him die, or at the very least get really fucking hurt. I can’t handle that.

“I’m serious when I say I could climb that in my sleep,” Dan says. “It’s a breeze. Not even a challenge really.”

“It’s so smooth, though. The rock, I mean.”

“It’s a simple climb, I promise. Look, let me show you.” He ducks back into the van, leaving me with the plate of food and a pit in my stomach.