Page 54 of Free Fall
As darkness comes down around us, the night feels big. The stars are bright pinpricks above, mixed with smudgy, wispy clouds, and the moon is barely over the horizon, not giving off a ton of light. The forest around us amplifies the mystery, and I hold on tighter to him, feeling the wind buffeting my body as Dan drives into the night, illuminated mostly by the headlight of the bike.
The vibrations of the engine rattle me all over, especially my butt and thighs. I’m unaccustomed to the tension required to stay on the bike, and the way I clench all over, bracing myself, when we round a curve feels like a workout. It’s not that it isn’t fun, but it’s scary too, and something aboutthatfeels right when I’m with Dan. This isn’t us in the back of his van getting naked and taking each other to the sky. This is us on a bike, in a forest,heading into a night of mystery, but my blood pounds with the same intensity.
My muscles are tight and tired by the time Dan slows down, turning onto some dirt paths, taking us off the main road and into the area near the meadow. I’m not sure where we’re headed exactly, but like I said, I know the general location. When he slows and eventually stops, I cling to his back for a few more seconds, letting myself adjust to the way we’re still now, no longer whooshing through the world. Then I lean back, and Dan climbs from the parked bike first to help me off. My legs feel rubbery and strange as I remove my helmet and give it to him to stow away. I stamp my feet against the ground.
“Okay?” Dan asks, glancing at me as he opens one of the side saddlebag compartments.
“Yeah. That was cool. I’ve never ridden on a bike before.”
“I was kind of hoping you’d say that,” he says, pulling a backpack from one compartment, and a second bag from the other. “I get the impression you like to try new things.”
“I do.”
He digs in the pack for headlamps, passes one to me and keeps one for himself. He lifts the backpack onto his shoulders and the other bag up on his arm. “C’mon. It’s this way.”
As we step from the forested area and into the meadow, the moon has risen enough to expose the land in a wash of blue and silver light. We almost don’t need the flashlights, but we keep them on anyway. It’s a beautiful place during the day. Leenie and Martin love to bring the kids here to play, and I’ve come a few times with them. But at night the fields are ethereal and eerie.
“What about bears?” I whisper.
Dan puts his hand out to me. “There’ll be no bears. We’ll be fine.”
I don’t know why I believe him, but I do. I mean, this is a madman we’re talking about, a person who climbs enormousrock walls without ropes and is planning to do so on El Cap. Why do I trust that I’m safe with him? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because of how he’s been during our hookups—so careful to get my consent, so caring about my pleasure—I don’t know. But I do trust him.
I take Dan’s free hand and let him lead me across the grass, guide me over rocks, past standing water, and around uneven ground. In front of us is a moonlit, granite dome. It shines in the darkness, along with the other rock formations and mountains around us, like something brought from the surface of the moon. It’s massive. Or at least it seems so to me. Intellectually, I know, given the size of other domes and towers in this glacier-carved land, this particular one isn’t that impressive. In fact, during the day, Leenie and Martin have climbed up the less steep side while I watched the kids down below. But the side Dan is leading me toward is sheer and tall, and my head falls back to take it in as we approach. I’m beginning to suspect what he has in those bags.
We’ve walked in mostly silence so far, but as he draws me up to the base of the wall, I say, “I hope you don’t think I’m going to climb that thing.”
“Well, I brought the gear in case you wanted to,” he says, patting the bigger bag he’s got hoisted over his right arm. “And I’ve got the top rope already in place.” He gestures at the wall. “But if, after we talk about it, you decide you’d rather not, we can always hike up the back side for our starlight picnic.” He indicates his backpack.
“What’s there to talk about? I’m afraid of heights.”
“You said it was the exposure that really gets to you.” He motions around. “It’s dark, and it’s only going to get darker. The moon won’t rise more than it already has, and it’s going to trend back toward the horizon soon enough.” He indicates where it’s already dipping again. “Then it’ll be really dark. You won’t be able to see anything except the wall just ahead of you. And thiswall is, I promise, some of the easiest climbing around. Kids do it. Old people. Total beginners. I could do this wall in my sleep. It’ll only take about thirty or forty minutes for you, tops. Probably less. I know you don’t really know me as a climber yet, but you can trust me. We’re going to do this in the safest way possible.”
“In the dark.”
“Yup.”
“Isn’t it safer in daylight?”
Dan reaches out and touches my chin with the tips of his fingers, rubbing his thumb against my cheek. “I’d never let anything happen to you, Doc.”
“Because you haven’t seen that smile?”
He grins, the light from my headlamp bouncing off his teeth. “Yeah. And I can think of a few other reasons.”
I hesitate. As the moon drifts down into the nest of trees at the horizon, it’s growing darker and darker. I can barely see a few yards away now and that’s only because the light of the moon is reflecting off the white granite of the wall. My belly swoops, but when I meet Dan’s gaze, I just can’t say no. He’s looking at me so seriously, like when he talked to Jeremiah earlier, with a gentleness that makes my heart leap. His thumb still moves against my cheek, and I feel each hot swipe of it as pure reassurance.
It’s not a dare. He’s not challenging me to do this for bragging rights or to push my limits and see how much he can get away with when it comes to me and my boundaries. I can tell that from his expression alone. There’s nothing smug in his face right now. Just a hopeful warmth that makes me want to say yes, that makes me want to lean forward and kiss his mouth.
Admittedly, I don’t knowwhyhe wants to climb this allegedly infantile wall with me, but it’s clear that he does, and I know enough about climbing to know I’ll probably be perfectlysafe doing it. Well, as perfectly safe as anything can be. I’m much more likely to have been injured or killed riding on the motorcycle than doing this.
He knows it.
I know it.
I want to say yes. It doesn’t make sense that I want to impress him by badly doing something he could do in his sleep, and yet that’s my hope. I want him to know I’m not the kind of guy to say no unreasonably. I’m not a coward, and this situation…
I don’t think this situation is a no.