Page 67 of Catch Me (Becoming Us #4)

“You came for me first, and Spencer isn’t gonna give a fuck because he’ll know that’s the truth.

” The way he glared at me made me step forward.

I breathed a laugh when he flinched. “You’re all hat and no cattle.

I’m being completely serious when I tell you that I’ll show you what a real punch is if you don’t back the fuck off of me.

Don’t say shit about my life, don’t ask me for favors or any other bullshit.

” Grabbing the front of his shirt, I yanked him closer.

“And don’t say a damn word about Roman. Not a single fucking one, or you’ll see exactly what I hide under this so-called facade . ”

When I released his shirt, he fell backward against the wall.

He didn’t deserve another second of my time, and I knew that I’d snap if he kept pushing me, so I walked away.

I’d taken his shit for four seasons now, and I was just done.

‘Nice’ didn’t apply to him anymore, and if he wanted to keep fucking around, I’d let Spencer or Pete dish out whatever he’d earned instead of telling them everything was fine like I had been for years.

What that encounter did manage to do was make me want to see Roman.

Since that wasn’t a good idea when I was emotional, I decided to find someone else to distract me somehow.

Sen and Kai were an option, but they were too nosey for me to deal with right now.

I needed someone relaxed who could make me feel lighter.

That was an easy one.

When I reached our floor, I headed past my room toward Tilian and Brooks’ door. It was in the middle of the hall, just before a branch of the hallway that led to vending and ice machines. I stopped and raised my hand to knock, but I heard voices, so I paused.

“You overthink things more than me,” Tilian said.

“Maybe I learned it from you, so thanks for that.”

The sound of Roman’s voice made my heart speed up.

Shifting closer to the corner, I quickly peeked around.

Tilian was leaning on a vending machine while he ate hot Cheetos, and Roman had his back against the wall with his arms crossed.

His face was turned away from me, so I couldn’t see what he was feeling .

Moving back a little so my head was out of sight, I pressed myself against the wall and waited.

“I can’t believe you sucked his dick. Kinda toxic, don’t ya think?”

My cheeks heated. That was embarrassing, and now I couldn’t meet Tilian’s eyes for the rest of the time he was here.

Roman sighed. “It just happened. And for a second, I thought everything would fall into place. I saw something in his eyes, but then it was gone, and I just don’t know if it’ll come back.”

“If it was there, that means he still cares.”

“You know, I asked myself how many times I’d do this, and pathetically, I feel like I’d never stop if that wasn’t completely ridiculous.”

“Do you want to stop?”

I peered around the corner and saw Roman run his fingers through his hair. He dropped his head back against the wall, and I got a glimpse of the side of his face. The skin around his temples was tight and his lips were turned down.

“I don’t want to push him if it’s not what he wants.”

“But he—”

“I know,” Roman interrupted. “Him wanting it is different than him wanting me . Maybe it’s just some remnant of what we had. Even if he does still care about me, if he wants to move past it, he should be allowed to do that, right?”

“No.”

“Til.”

Tilian huffed and tossed a Cheeto into his mouth. “But you still care. How much? Enough to fight for him?”

“I think I have fought for him. Sure, I’d keep doing that, but I also care enough to let him go.”

“Shit, I hate that for you.” He brought a dab pen to his lips and took a hit for a solid ten seconds. “What’ll you do if that happens?”

Roman stared at the floor for a minute before he answered. “I’ll do what I was before, the only other thing that made me feel the way he does. I’ll draw. And one day, I’ll move on. That’s how things work, and it doesn’t matter that I really don’t want to. But...”

“What?”

“Somehow, I know I’ll never feel quite the same as I did with him. And maybe that’s okay. It’s hard to believe something better exists , and I can’t pretend I think that’s true, but all I can do is start over. Maybe some people are better as strangers.”

When Tilian pushed away from the vending machine, I turned around and ran right into Brooks’ chest. He caught my arms and stared at me mischievously. I opened my mouth, but he put a finger to his lips and jerked his chin toward the door. Once we were inside, he cackled.

“You been dropping some eaves, Travis?”

“Um . . .”

“You know. Samwise. ‘I ain’t been droppin’ no eaves, sir, honest.’”

“I’m gonna be real. I can’t process any of what’s happened in the past five minutes, and this isn’t helping.”

“Meh. Why are you sneaking around?”

“Sneaking? I’m not.”

He honest to god pouted. “Man, I want to make another movie reference. Anyway, I’m just gonna come out and say it since nobody else will.

You’re being a pussy. Sorry, Tilian would skewer my balls if he heard me refer to pussies as weak.

You’re being a coward and you’re obviously in love with Roman, so stop being a bitch—uh, a turd—about it and man up. ”

“That one doesn’t bother him?”

He shrugged. “I’m done pandering and he’s not here.”

“Hm. First, I’m not in love with Roman.”

“Have you ever been in love?”

“No.”

“Then, how would you know?”

“I think I’d know more since it’d be an entirely new feeling.”

“Is what you feel for him not new?”

I pursed my lips for a second. “Sure, but it’s not that. Second, I don’t know what I want to do yet.”

“You do know. You just won’t do it.”

“You’re the worst person to talk to about this.”

“Nah, I’m the best one because I call it how it is.

Kai would give you a long speech that could’ve been edited down to a couple of sentences without losing any of the point, Sen will coddle you, Tilian will play matchmaker, Linc will side with Roman for some reason, and West will suggest that you head-butt him because it worked when he did it to Linc. ”

“And you’ll make Lord of the Rings references and never actually say anything useful.”

“I have, actually. I read between the lines and point out the obvious, which are your feelings for Roman, specific four-letter words aside, and the fact that you want him back but are scared of getting hurt again. Maybe I didn’t say that last part, but I did now.”

This motherfucker was ungovernable. Sometimes, I thought that was me, but then I’d hang out with this group of people and realize that I was somehow pretty tame.

“You’re right,” I admitted.

“Aw, young love.”

“No. I’m afraid.”

“That happens when someone up and leaves you in the night as if you’re a temporary lover. Tilian did it to me after I finally spilled my guts about how I felt.”

“What happened?”

“I drove eighty until I got to his dorm and pounded on his door, then went back to my place so I could charge my phone and blow up his messages, but he was already waiting in the hall for me with coffee.”

“Well, I’m glad things worked out for you guys.”

“Do you know how much it didn’t work out up until that point? And after. I was the Roman in our situation, except I wasn’t having a crisis of sexuality, but it was just as earth-shattering in its own way.”

I leaned against the wall and motioned for him to go on. He grabbed a dab pen—as if he needed it—and lifted himself onto the counter.

“Once I admitted my feelings and decided I was going to act on them, nothing could keep me away from Tilian. My mom almost tore us apart, but I stepped up at the last second. We both had to continuously meet each other wherever we were. I had some really low points, and he always found me in them and kept me from drowning. Everything in life goes both ways, and the way I see it right now, Roman has been trying to show you that he’s in it just as much as he was ten months ago— more because there’s more of him to give now. ”

“I see that. I really do. But, Brooks, what he did hurt me.”

“Why didn’t you go after him? ”

I blinked a few times. “I gave him a chance—”

“But you didn’t chase him when he was scared. You gave him an ultimatum when he was already spiraling and alone. He was too scared to stay, but I think you were too scared to step up and go after him when he needed you to.”

“That’s not fair.”

“None of it’s fair, dude.”

“Look, I know that there was a lot behind it, and I can’t even blame him, so I’m not angry at him.”

“But you don’t know if you can trust him.”

“That sounds stupid when I hear it out loud, because looking at the situation as a whole, it seems simple. It was too soon, and that’s okay.

It’s entirely about that feeling, though—the fear and rejection, the worry that I pushed him too far, the ache in my chest when something so new but so important was ripped away from me like that.

Not a phone call, not a text, not a single word for nine days.

Do you know how long nine days is when you’re counting every minute that your phone stays silent?

Every time it vibrated, my heart leapt, then that disappointment struck all over again because it was never him.