Page 17 of Catch Me (Becoming Us #4)

Roman

“Can you turn your body this way a little?” I instructed.

“Like this?” Vince asked.

“Yeah, that’s cool.”

“What was wrong with what we did yesterday?”

“I was looking at it with Mikey’s position and they’re too similar. I want each of these to be unique, plus I like the way your hair kind of swishes to this side, so I want to capture that.”

“Ooh, I got a compliment. From an artist, at that.”

I laughed. “Does that make it more special?”

“Yeah. Like when a gay man tells me I look good, it somehow makes me feel more appreciated than when a woman says it.”

My hand faltered on the tablet. “What, you want to get hit on by a guy?”

“Not hit on, necessarily. I went to a pride parade with my sister, and everybody is super nice there. We made some friends. I got compliments on my hair and the shirt I was wearing. It doesn’t mean someone’s flirting.”

I just nodded and continued sketching his position along with the background. After I took a couple of pictures to refer back to when I did the actual piece, I looked around for the next person on the list.

“Do you know where Luis is?” I asked.

“Uh, not out here, from the looks of it. You might have to go hunting.”

“Damn.”

It sounded tedious, but I guess I didn’t have a choice. There were no other people here today, which might make it harder. I couldn’t ask if anyone had seen him, and this place was massive.

Seriously, why couldn’t people be prepared for something they knew they were scheduled for? We were only doing this three times a week, and the players had been assigned to a specific day. It was set, but if someone didn’t show up for their slot, I didn’t know what to do.

Tomorrow was Wednesday, and I didn’t have to come in. I didn’t know what I’d do with that time, but I’d figure that out later. A run and a swim sounded nice, but that definitely wasn’t a good idea.

I couldn’t let down my guard around Travis.

He was nice, and I liked to think it was genuine, but I couldn’t be sure.

I also felt weird around him, and I was self-aware enough to know that I needed to back it up before my dumb fucking head started questioning it.

If I stopped it now, nothing would happen.

It wouldn’t be like Tilian or Malcolm or Ezra.

It couldn’t be. They were nothing. Blips. Mistakes.

After checking the dugouts, I made my way inside. It was eerily empty and quiet, which made goosebumps rise on my arms. Maybe Luis went to the bathroom or something. I didn’t remember the last time I’d seen him, but it was as good a guess as any.

“Fuck,” I growled after I’d searched everywhere I could think of.

I was getting more than a little frustrated at this point.

It was cold outside and the clouds looked questionable.

Travis hadn’t come today, so I’d driven my car here, and I was on the verge of just calling it a day.

It wasn’t my fault, but even so, I couldn’t get myself to do that.

This was my project and I had to make sure it was perfect.

Maybe Vince had his number. I probably should’ve started with that. I took off at a jog, desperate to figure this shit out as quickly as possible .

I looked around the field, only to find it empty. This was great. Day two and I’d already failed. This was why I hadn’t told my dad yet. “Art won’t pay the bills,” was what he said, and this would just make him drive that point home.

With a sigh, I climbed the steps to the top of the stands and sat down.

During the game, it was nice to be close, but when it was empty like this, I liked it up here.

The view was great and it felt peaceful.

I thought about how it would feel to be on that field, surrounded by this many people.

I’d played in high school, but having all of these eyes on me would probably make me choke.

I couldn’t imagine how it felt for Travis.

He stood on that pitcher’s mound with pressure from tens of thousands of people.

So much rode on his throw. I wondered if he did it with the same nonchalance as he displayed in the rest of his life.

I’d seen him play on TV, but I didn’t pay that much attention, not like I would now.

Even though this view was right in front of me, I started drawing something else. I didn’t really choose it. Inspiration was meant to take the reins, so I let it. Was it stupid? Very, but after a while, there was a work of art on the screen.

A rock formation, water, fractured sunlight shining through the trees and reflecting off the surface.

Travis with his back against the stone and his hands under the water, somehow finding joy in touching a wet fucking rock.

For a second, his eyes had closed and his head tipped back while a soft smile settled on his face.

I started drawing Tessa off to the side so that he wasn’t the only subject in the picture. Even when I finished, though, he was clearly the main focus.

“You really get lost in your art.”

My head snapped up, and I immediately shut off the screen.

Travis was a few steps down with his hands in the pockets of his jeans and a ball cap on his head.

He looked domestic while also seeming to fit into this place perfectly.

The face of the Braves, as Pete said. It was a joke, but it sure felt like the truth right now.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“You didn’t answer your phone, and since you should’ve been done by now, I wanted to check in.”

“Hunting me down isn’t fucking weird at all.”

I tucked my tablet under my arm and brushed past him. The sun had moved quite a bit since I last looked, so I guess I’d been really engros sed in drawing. I would’ve preferred to stay that way. I hated being interrupted.

“How were the guys today?” he asked from behind me.

“Luis is missing.”

“What?”

“Can’t find him.”

“Well, shit. That asshole. He’s probably drunk.”

I grunted and made my way through the hall. If that was the case, it really wasn’t on me. He was here earlier, then he was gone. I’d done what I could.

“Can you slow down?” Travis grumbled.

“I’m leaving now. You don’t have to follow me.”

“My car is next to yours, so I don’t have much choice, do I?”

“You had a choice before you came looking for me. I don’t need you to look after me. I’m not a child.”

“I know you’re not a child. You’re a bit of an asshole, though.”

I turned around, and he nearly ran into me. He wasn’t wrong, but it still made me narrow my eyes. “I’m an asshole?”

He held up his middle and index finger close together. His lightheartedness pissed me off, and I had to take a deep breath.

“Alright,” he sighed. “I should’ve let you do your thing. It’s just that you’re in a new city and when someone doesn’t answer their phone, I get worried. My bad. Won’t happen again.”

“Good.”

I pushed through the main door and made a beeline for my car.

As soon as I pulled out of the lot, I started thinking about the fact that he’d shown up.

Because he was worried? That was the stupidest thing I’d ever heard.

Nobody drove an hour to check on someone just because they were late and didn’t answer the phone.

My stomach was doing weird shit again.

God damnit. I should get a hotel. Yeah, that was the right move. I’d been here for all of a few days, and it’d become too much.

I went straight to my room when I got back, then dropped into an armchair in the corner.

Now that I was here, I couldn’t stop replaying our interaction.

I was rude, but I also didn’t like that he came to find me.

He was only a couple years older than me, and it felt like he was treating me like a teenager.

I hadn’t decided if I was going to apologize or not, but I chose to at least try to clear the air. We might need to set boundaries and expect ations. Both of us would probably be more agreeable if we did that.

When I reached the kitchen, I saw him through the glass door. He was sitting crisscross on the deck while he drank a beer. I didn’t know if that was normal for him or if he was upset.

Cautiously, I slid open the door and stepped out. He didn’t turn around or show any sign that he’d heard me.

“Hey,” I said sheepishly.

“Hey back.”

My eyes closed as something turned in my stomach. His words didn’t sound friendly, but they were familiar.

“I didn’t mean to get angry,” I explained. “But I think it’s weird that you came looking for me.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s a long way. I didn’t answer the phone, so you drove a whole hour to check on me.”

“Actually, no.” He got to his feet and turned around, holding the bottle loosely as he met my eyes. “I got dinner with Mikey in the city. I called to see if you wanted me to bring anything back for you. Since you didn’t answer, I decided to check if you were still there.”

“That’s a lot of work just to find me.”

“It’s literally on my way home. I turned in and saw your car. But I forgot you don’t like when people try to be nice.”

“Do you think we’re friends because we went swimming this morning?”

He laughed and shook his head. “You might find this hard to believe, Roman, but I’m not interested in being your friend.”

“Oh, really?” I asked sarcastically.

“Really. You’re rude, you ‘don’t agree’ with the way I and millions of people were born, and you have no control of your temper, even though you’re plenty old enough to.”

I gritted my teeth and averted my gaze. “Is that all?”

“There are other things, but I won’t call them out because I’m not cruel and they’re your issues to work through.”

Whatever he was referring to, I didn’t like it. My anger flared all over again, and I wanted to throw something back at him, but I was tired and I knew that it wouldn’t bother him anyway.

“Fuck off, man,” I said quietly before I started to turn around .

He latched onto my bicep and thrust me up against the wall. There was anger on his face, but it didn’t look like he was about to throw a punch or anything. Holding onto my arms, he kept me in place.

“All I asked was for you to be respectful if you were going to stay here. You can’t even manage that. I really don’t know what the hell your problem is.”

“Well, in your mind, it’s because you’re gay, right? I must be a dick because of your sexuality. Everything is always about that, like it’s your whole fucking personality.”

His eyes were wide as he stared at me. I was sort of shocked too. It had just come out like things always did.

That shit sounded like my dad.

“Travis . . .”

He released me and stepped back. After blinking a few times, his expression shifted to anger again.

“I’ve brought it up one time,” he said in a voice that was too controlled.

“And it was when we needed to have a conversation about it. But thank you, Roman. Thank you for doing exactly what you claimed I’m doing.

I love being reduced to only my sexuality as if I’m not a human, same as you, with feelings just like yours. ”

“That’s not what I meant,” I replied softly.

“Yes, it is, because in your head, you’ve demonized the idea of being gay so aggressively that it’s turned you bitter and cruel. If you don’t deal with that, it’ll just get worse, and everyone deserves better than that.”

“Travis—”

Before I could get the words out, he turned and walked into the house. I wanted to go after him, but I heard his bedroom door close. I stopped in the kitchen and slumped against the counter.

There’d been plenty of times that I’d said fucked up shit, especially as a teenager.

I liked to think that I’d gotten better, but what just happened wasn’t better.

It wasn’t like I hadn’t said worse to Til, but he didn’t give a shit.

Maybe that was why I didn’t stop being an asshole back then.

He was never hurt by it, but Travis was, and that left me feeling like an absolute monster.

Maybe I was. If so, it was my own fault.

My dad was very anti-gay, but I had every opportunity to choose to be different than him.

I’d lived with my mom and went to my dad’s two weekends each month until he moved.

Ross had been my pastor, then my stepdad, and I watched him change his views.

I lived with Til and Alex for two years.

Ezra and I had been hanging out for over a year.

Did I have an issue with gay people? I didn’t really know anymore. I had a problem with myself. That was undeniable.

Another thing I knew was that I didn’t want to be gay. I’d slept with more men than women, and it should’ve disgusted me. It did, but more than anything, it terrified me.

I didn’t have to be gay. It wasn’t set in stone.

I also didn’t have to dislike gay people or disagree with who they were. This didn’t have to be me. I could change.

After heading to my room, I gathered my stuff and loaded it into my suitcase.

I sat on the bed and started looking up hotels.

The problem was that I’d only been paid half of the commission fee upfront.

Rooms were really expensive in the city, but I’d have to bite the bullet and hope I had enough money to get through the rest of my time here.

There was one more thing I needed to do, even though it felt like the worst idea imaginable. I spent a solid ten minutes trying to talk myself out of it, but it felt like I had to do this in order to make any real changes.