Page 55 of Catch Me (Becoming Us #4)

Roman

He was always too nice. Too fucking nice. He obviously couldn’t stand being around me, but he asked if I was okay. He wanted to know what I was going through.

Except he didn’t. He was curious and generally cared too much about things. I wanted to lean into it so badly, but if I did, I’d find myself begging for something he wasn’t willing to give me anymore.

“You okay?” Sen asked.

I shook my head. “I don’t want to be here.”

“Well, I think this is the last room.”

“No, I don’t want to be here . I was fine, but just being around him is fucking up my head again. I didn’t sleep last night.”

“Hey.” He stroked his hand down my arm, but I shrugged him off.

My defenses were going back up, and that was part of why I shouldn’t have come. I’d spent months learning how to be open with people, with these friends I’d never deserved. When I felt the anger start to rise, I should’ve pushed it away, but it was so familiar and it kept me safe .

“Roman,” he said softly. “I’m sorry. Kai shouldn’t have done this, but just try to think through it, okay? There’s history. That’s it. If you still feel it, that’s fine, but don’t start to shut down.”

“I’m trying. Maybe I’ll just go home.”

“No, you’re already here. You don’t have to be around each other. Just watch the games with us, and I’m sure we can find things to do with just the group.”

“It’s fine. We don’t need to be separated like dogs. I just have to get myself together.”

“Do you think you guys need to talk about it?”

I let out a dry laugh. It drew Travis’ attention, so I looked at Sen. “No. I’m not interested in being his friend or smoothing things over, so it’d be pointless.”

“Not trying to be a dick, but why are you so mad about this? Ever since it happened, you’ve said it was your mistake and you didn’t blame him.”

“I don’t blame him,” I said with a sigh. “I’m mad because I didn’t know that it would hurt, but it does. And I’m mad because that’s my fault, so who else am I going to be angry at?”

I looked at where Kai and Travis were messing with a lock.

Marching over to them, I swiped the metal piece Travis was holding, then slid it into a hole at the end of the one Kai had.

It changed the shape at the tip, which fit perfectly into the lock.

After I turned it, the lights came on and I heard the door unlock.

The game hadn’t been hard, but I didn’t want to be the dick who went and solved all the puzzles.

The way things were set up made sense, but it was predictable.

They tried to hide clues, and I saw them because they didn’t fit in with what was around them.

The crack in the wall was one of the first things I noticed.

I guess it was about the process or something, but now we were done, so I had no reason to be here.

Without a word, I exited the room and returned to the front desk.

“Congratulations!” the guy behind it exclaimed, making me wince. “You finished with seven minutes to spare. That means you get to go on the wall."

“What?”

“The wall.” He gestured to the framed pictures that were hung crookedly in the room .

“Gee, that sounds like a prize, but I’m good.”

“One picture,” Sen said, coming up beside me. “We have to make good memories everywhere we can.”

“Fine.”

I moved to the wall that was covered in a black tapestry. Sen stood beside me, and Travis was on the other side of Kai, which helped me breathe more easily.

“Who solved the final puzzle?” the employee asked.

Sen clapped me on the shoulder. “This one.”

“I almost did,” either Kai or Travis muttered.

A plastic gold crown was placed on my head before the camera flashed. “Congrats again, guys, and make sure you come visit us next time you feel trapped and need to escape.”

I snorted as I passed the crown back to him. “I’m gonna catch an Uber,” I told Sen. After I retrieved my phone, I went outside and ordered a ride. A couple blocks down, I leaned against a building and blew out a breath.

My phone dinged to let me know that the car was pulling up. When I pushed away from the wall, someone grabbed my bicep and pulled me off to the side, then around a corner. I whirled on him and met golden brown eyes that I couldn’t read.

“What the fuck?”

“Get in,” Travis said, nodding toward his Jeep that was idling beside the curb.

“No. My Uber is here.”

“And I’ll drive you for free.”

“I’ve had enough handouts from you, but thanks.”

“God damnit, Roman, get in the fucking car.”

“ No .”

“Why?”

“Why do you want me to?” I countered.

He just stared at me for a second before he looked away. “We’re going to see each other while you’re here, and if it’s like this every time, I’ll lose my mind. So, you wanted to talk. Let’s talk.”

“I don’t want to talk anymore. There’s no reason to.”

“Did I only deserve an explanation when you thought I’d take you back?”

I rolled my lips inward. After shaking my head, I turned and got into the passenger seat. He closed the door without a word and pulled onto the street. It was silent, and I didn’t know if either of us expected the other to say something.

He parked at my hotel and got out of the car. Apparently, I was supposed to follow him, so I did. Even if he was leading me straight to hell, I’d fucking follow him.

God damnit.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Your room.”

“Why?”

“Where else do you want to talk, Roman? A crowded restaurant? My house so that we’ll be around Sen and Kai and someone has to drive you here afterward?”

“Alright, whatever.”

We rode the elevator in awkward silence. I was so lost inside my head that the ding before the doors opened made me suck in a breath. Travis exited first, and again, I followed. I hated every second of the walk to my room, and by the time we got there, I still had no idea what to say.

Ten months ago, I had speeches planned out in my head.

Apologies and explanations. I just didn’t see the point now, but he was right.

He deserved it, even if I knew it wasn’t going to fix anything.

It wasn’t about having him back. It was about growth and being the person I’d been building bit by bit for the past year.

I tossed my room key on the table, then sat in the chair. With my elbows on the surface, I used the heels of my hands to scrub my eyes. I heard Travis sit in the chair across from me, so I looked at him. He was blank, no longer buzzing with annoyance and intensity.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” I admitted. “That day, when I—”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“But you wanted us to talk.”

“The explanation really doesn’t matter. I just...” He shook his head. “I just want to enjoy this week and not have all of this tension. You’re here, and I’m fine with that, but we have to set some boundaries or something. Anything to keep it from feeling like it did in that room.”

I looked down at my hands. “I didn’t think it would be this hard.”

“What do you mean? ”

“I was fine, dealing with my shit and figuring it out. When I came out, I decided I was going to live in the present, not the past.”

“You came out?” I met his eyes and nodded. His nostrils flared, and he looked to the side. “That’s good.”

“Mostly,” I said quickly. “It’s kind of complicated, but I’m getting there and I keep going forward, not back. That’s what’s important, I think.”

“Can we be civil or do we need to just avoid each other?”

I pushed down my anger the best I could. His dismissiveness felt wrong, but I couldn’t expect anything else. The fact that he wanted to talk at all was more than I’d expected. It made me want more, though.

“That morning, I got a text and it sent me into a panic. Then, at my mom’s place, shit happened that fucked me up, and I couldn’t get my thoughts straight right away.”

“I don’t want to know,” he said firmly.

“But—”

“I asked if we could be civil. It’s a yes or no question.”

“Travis,” I sighed.

“Yes or no?”

“I promised I would talk to you if I was freaking out, but I—” He got to his feet, so I moved in front of him. “But I didn’t think, okay? That’s the thing about panic, you know. It wasn’t rational. And when you texted me, I—”

“I don’t care.”

“Stop interrupting me!” I took a breath and balled my shaking hands into fists.

“It’s the past, and talking about it won’t change anything.”

“Just—”

“What’s the point, Roman? Sometimes, sex makes you think things can happen, when they’re really not a good idea. You got attached because I was the first guy you’d been with while not denying you were gay. And I thought I could save you. We weren’t thinking clearly.”

“You were so upset after.”

“I get attached. It’s happened with a lot of people, which is why I don’t date.”

“You felt something,” I insisted .

“I’m not heartbroken, if that’s what you think. You showed me who you are, and that’s that.” He shrugged. “We live and learn. It was my mistake.”

My heart shouldn’t have felt like it stopped working. It was lead in my chest, heavy and lifeless. I refused to let him see how I felt, so I fashioned a casual expression and stepped to the side.

“Yeah, I guess it was just some dose of nostalgia when I saw you yesterday,” I said. “We don’t have to avoid each other or anything crazy like that. Things are straight now.”

He looked at me for another moment, then he strode to the door. When he stopped, I thought my heart was going to leap through my throat. But as soon as I opened my mouth, I found myself at a loss for words.

Nothing had changed. It hadn’t done any good. He hadn’t even let me say any of the things I’d agonized over this entire time. He just didn’t care, or if he did, he’d never tell me.

Leaning back against the wall, I closed my eyes and begged my heart to beat again, begged my lungs to work so that I could breathe.

I remembered those two months when I was desperate for him to respond to me.

Desperation was something I’d been used to my whole life, and I’d always managed to smother it.

Even when I had moments of weakness, I could bottle it all back up and turn it into anger.

It felt better. It hurt people, but that was easier to deal with than what was inside of me.

The desperation I felt in those two months hadn’t gone away.

Not until I forced myself to let go. I was an idiot for coming here, because that was exactly what I felt all over again, and it wasn’t good for me.

I could probably deal with the anger and find a way not to give into it.

This ache, though, wasn’t something I could control.

After the first week in January, I Googled if it was possible to start falling for someone in three weeks.

That was a bad idea, because apparently, you could.

The connection could form immediately. Some people said they fell in love during their second date and were still married twenty years later. That pissed me off.

It wasn’t just three weeks, though. I was intrigued the first time we met, then I reached out to Til to get Travis’ number, telling myself it was to ask for an update, but I was too nervous for that to be all it was.

There was one night at his house and a meeting with Pete.

Texts that just said ‘hey’ because all he had to do was respond, and suddenly, breathing felt right again, as crazy as that was.

I wanted it gone. I thought it was gone, or maybe I’d just found a better way to lie to myself. It didn’t feel like that would work again. I could solve every puzzle in that escape room, but I was beginning to understand that there really was no solution to this one.

The door creaked, so I opened my eyes and stared at his back. “You asked me why I drew you so much.”

He stopped with his hand on the door, but he didn’t say anything.

“I draw you because something inside you calls to the parts of me I spent my whole life trying to kill.”

“And my eyes? Did you ever figure out what was in them?”

“Yes.”

He stayed there for a few seconds. When he accepted that I wasn’t going to say anything else, he left the room.

As soon as the door clicked shut, I slid down the wall and took a breath that felt wrong.

His scent was in here, and I knew that it didn’t belong anymore, but I wanted to capture it and never let it go.

I wanted to do what I should’ve done ten months ago.

I wanted to fall apart all over again, just like I had that day, but this time, I wanted to let him catch me.

Yet, here I was, shattered on the floor again.