Page 12 of Catch Me (Becoming Us #4)

Roman

Covering my mouth, I yawned for the third time since class started. It felt rude, but I couldn’t help it. Sleep had declared me its enemy, and I didn’t know how to get on its good side again.

It’d been a couple weeks since I sent in my illustration.

They were still doing whatever business people did.

Travis didn’t respond to my last text, so I hadn’t tried again, even though I looked at it almost every day.

I didn’t know why. He was going to update me when he knew something, so there was no point reaching out.

I was so spaced out that I didn’t realize class was over until most of the students had left the room.

“Roman,” Mrs. Marshall said.

Heading over to her desk, I pushed my hands into my pockets. “What’s up?”

“I just want to check in. You’ve been distracted this quarter.”

“It’s probably stress. It’s my last year, so I’m putting pressure on myself.”

“That’s understandable. Your last project was really well done, but it’s not your usual style. What changed? ”

Shifting on my feet, I thought about the drawing I’d made of Tessa. I’d added her to the sunset I drew on Travis’ deck. She was jumping in the air to catch a baseball, which I imagined he’d thrown from somewhere off page.

“Just a stroke of inspiration,” I replied. “Trying new things.”

“I’m all for creative exploration. It’s always good to have a signature style, though, so your portfolio sets expectations. If you show too much versatility, it’s hard for someone to conceptualize their vision within that.”

“Right, of course. My portfolio showcases my normal style. Like I said, I was just trying something.”

“It’s beautiful. Really. Your range always impresses me.”

“Thank you.”

“Well, if you need extra help or to talk to someone about your stress levels, the school has resources. You should look into them.”

“I’ll think about it.”

After offering her a smile, I left the room. Even though she said that she loved the piece, I had a hard time with criticism. She wasn’t speaking down on it, but now I was concerned about veering away from what I usually did. For official projects, at least.

I didn’t know why I added Tessa to the picture.

It was her yard, so it felt fitting. After I did it, the whole thing felt right, as if it needed that piece in order to come together.

I’d even thought about drawing Travis there, but I decided that was weird.

I’d already made one drawing of him, plus I’d be doing another of him and Tessa for them to keep.

As I walked through the quad, I itched to take out my phone. It had been a week since I texted him. He said that he often forgot to respond, so maybe that was what happened.

Should I message him again?

Why was I thinking about this so much?

“Hey, Roman.”

“Jesus,” I exclaimed, putting a hand over my chest.

Ezra was standing beside a magnolia tree with a tablet in his hand.

He was an architecture student and was always sketching ideas to mull over later.

I’d seen a lot of them, and he loved to describe what he imagined they could become.

He was really good, and I couldn’t help but wonder what he was working on now .

He came a little closer and smiled sheepishly. “Sorry. You must’ve been in your head.”

“Yeah, I was.”

“Everything okay?”

“I’m good. What about you?”

“Same. Look, I was wondering if we could talk.”

I shifted on my feet and gripped the strap of my backpack. “About what?”

“Us.”

Looking around, I verified that there was nobody within hearing distance. “There’s no us, remember? Besides, you said you didn’t want to do anything anymore.”

“I said that I want to find something real. But I think about you, you know? And maybe...” He looked down at his feet, which made me want to comfort him, but I didn’t.

“Ezra, I can’t give you anything.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m not...” I pursed my lips, feeling uncertain about what I should say. He knew already, but it felt like the words got stuck in my throat.

“You are.”

“I’m not,” I snapped.

He ran his hand through his hair, then looked up at me. There was a deep emotion in his eyes that made me feel sick.

“Okay, maybe we can have something casual.”

I shook my head. “You want something real, and I can’t...You should try to find what you’re looking for, Ezra.”

“But—”

“It’s not me,” I said curtly. “I’m not fucking gay.”

I left him there and rushed to my car. After I closed the door, I leaned my forehead on the steering wheel. My heart raced as if I’d run here.

My phone shook in my hand, but I forced myself to follow through with what I should’ve done two weeks ago when I got back.

Roman: Hey, what’s good?

Irene: Hey ?? Haven’t heard from you in a minute

Roman: Been busy, you kno w

Irene: Wanna get together? Some of us are going to a movie later

Roman: Can’t. Was just checking in

I tapped my forehead against the wheel a few times and considered whether I should do it harder. Maybe if I gave myself a concussion, whatever was messed up in my head would fix itself.

An older, angrier part of me wanted to blame Tilian for this.

I used to tell myself that he woke it up, but I was the one who came on to him at our parents’ wedding.

It wasn’t romantic. We didn’t kiss or anything.

I’d never done that. It wasn’t what I wanted.

This was just something physical that I needed to somehow purge from my system like a virus.

I pulled up my gallery and navigated to the picture I’d saved a couple weeks ago.

Travis was on his deck, just before his LIVE video.

The sun shone on his hair and highlighted the colors I’d been having trouble capturing.

It was as if he’d known exactly what I needed in order to get the drawing just right.

Roman: Hey

I chewed on my nail after I sent the text. I was just looking for an update. It’d been a week. That was reasonable.

It showed as read, but nothing happened after that.

There was a tap on my window that made me jump. It was the second time I’d been startled out of my head today, which was probably a bad sign.

I opened my door and stepped out. My friend, Leo, pulled me into his chest, then punched me in the arm. “Where the fuck have you been?”

“Around. Busy.”

“We’ve texted you. Kinda thought you died or ran away. Mark said you were probably holed up with Irene again, but I saw her making out with some guy who does sculpting. Shit, sorry if you didn’t know that.”

I shrugged and leaned back against my car. “I haven’t been with her in a long time.”

“Oh, cool. Someone new, then?”

“No one. Like I said, I’ve been busy. There’s this project I might be working on. Not school-related. ”

“Shit, that’s good. Paid?”

I nodded. “Still working out the details.”

“Well, good for you, man. We’re hitting a bar tonight. Come with us.”

“I don’t know . . .”

“You’re coming. Something has you down, and I’m not gonna let my boy go home to feel like shit.”

“I’m fine,” I replied quickly.

“There’s no shame in struggling. We’re men, but we aren’t robots. Just hang out with the guys tonight, Roman. It might help.”

After a minute, I nodded. He grinned at me and patted my cheek hard.

“Seven o’ clock. I’ll text you. If you don’t come through, we’ll drag you out of your apartment.”

He jogged backward, still pointing at me. When he turned around, I dropped my head back.

Maybe he was right, but I still didn’t want to do it. I’d rather lie in bed and draw or get drunk by myself. If I didn’t go, they’d harass me, and I knew they weren’t above breaking in to haul my ass out, so I guess I didn’t have a choice.

*****

“You’re stuck on a project with this guy?” Mark asked, staring at Ben with wide eyes.

“Yeah, I tried to switch, but the professor won’t let me. It’s bullshit.”

“I’d tell him you’re uncomfortable. Like, the dude hit on you. That’s weird as fuck.”

“That’s the problem with art school, right?” Harris said.

My brow furrowed. “What?”

“Gays everywhere.”

He snorted a laugh along with a couple of the others. I spun my shot glass on the table, unsure what to say. I was teetering on drunk, and the conversation was getting on my nerves.

“Hey, let’s not be dicks,” Leo chimed in. Despite his words, there was a small smile on his face.

“He has a point,” Harris mused. “Dicks are what they like.”

Mark slapped the table and wheezed. “Brilliant.”

I shifted in my seat and took another shot. “I doubt he was hitting on you. ”

He looked at me with a raised brow. “Oh, yeah? I know what flirting looks like, man.”

“Why would a gay man hit on you when there are gays everywhere ?”

“Who knows? I’m not a mind reader.”

“I’m just saying, he’s not gonna have an interest in a straight guy. He has better options.”

“Whoa, that’s a bit insulting.”

I just rolled my eyes and stared into my empty glass. They started talking again, but I didn’t tune into the conversation. It was only when I heard another gay joke that I lifted my head.

“It’s not just art school,” I said.

“What’s not just art school?” Leo asked.

“My stepbrother studies social work, and his boyfriend is a law student.”

Ben wrinkled his nose. “We didn’t say it was just art school.”

“One of their friends is a welder. He’s dating a football player who I wouldn’t even fuck with. Another is heading for the NFL in a couple years. His boyfriend was the quarterback before that. Most of these guys are huge, and you’d never know they were gay by looking at them.”

The silence at the table made me regret everything I’d said. It was stupid and pointless. I didn’t even care about the jokes. Usually, I joined in, and we’d thrown out worse shit.

After a minute, Leo nudged my shoulder. “He’s got a point. Right, guys?”

Mark scoffed. “NFL, my ass. Bet he’s only there so the school gets good press for it.”

Leo frowned. “That’s not really fair.”

“What do you think, Roman? You agree with that shit?”

“I don’t watch football,” I replied.

“Yeah, but you played baseball, right? And isn’t your stepbrother pretending to be a boy or some shit?”

I ran my finger around the rim of my glass while I ground my teeth together. “It’s not my business what people do.”

He laughed as he leaned back. “Kid needs a good ass kicking.”

Shaking my head, I motioned for Leo to move, then I slid out of the booth.

After settling my tab, I left the bar, not bothering to say anything else to the guys.

I was more pissed than I should’ve been.

Maybe I had a right to be upset. I didn’t even know anymore.

Generally, none of that shit would bother me.

I always said that I wasn’t sensitive, but that entire encounter got under my skin.

“Hey.”

I turned and saw Leo jogging toward me. “I’m not in the mood.”

He held his hands up. “Not trying to start anything. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“They’re dicks. You know that.”

“And I don’t feel like being around it, so I’m just gonna go.”

“I respect what you said, you know.”

I clenched my fists at my sides. When I didn’t respond, he sighed.

“Some of the shit they say gets on my nerves. They make Asian jokes all the time, saying I should’ve gone into STEM, and it doesn’t really bother me, but after a while, I get tired of it. They’re always ragging on people that are different from them.”

“Then, why do you hang out with them?”

“Why do you?”

“It never bothered me.”

“And now?”

I rolled my lips, then shrugged. “It’s old. They’re ignorant, and being negative all the time doesn’t make me feel good anymore.”

The way he studied me made it difficult not to walk away immediately. I wondered if he thought I was being a bitch about the whole thing.

“I saw you talking to Ezra earlier,” he noted.

It was hard to keep my breaths even. “We talk sometimes.”

“If you ever need an ear, I’m around. We’re friends and I’d never out you.”

“There’s nothing to out .”

“I’m just saying.”

“Fuck off, Leo.”

I didn’t want to give him a chance to say anything else, so I started walking while I ordered an Uber to pick me up a few blocks away. My heart was beating so fast that I worried it would stop working .

If Leo saw something and made assumptions, others could too. Had they already? I kept fucking up, even when I decided that I wouldn’t do it anymore. I said no to Ezra today, so that was a step.

I could get past this. I would get past this. There was no other option.

After I was safely inside my apartment, I sat crisscross on my bed and turned on my tablet. When I checked my phone, I saw a text from Travis that he’d sent an hour ago.

Trav: Hey back

The message made me smile. I liked that response and had come to expect it. My drunk brain couldn’t be trusted to talk to him right now, so I just sent him a picture of the drawing with Tessa and the sunset. He replied immediately, which lifted my mood a little.

Trav: I’m stunned. Seems like you’re making it a habit to impress me. Tessa says it’s pawfect. 10/10

I dropped onto my back and let out a breath. I barely knew this guy, and somehow, even the simple things he said made me feel better than the people I’d been hanging out with for three years.