Page 33 of Catch Me (Becoming Us #4)

Roman

I was leaving tonight, and I hadn’t expected to feel so disappointed about it.

I’d get back to Chicago, then I’d get on a plane heading to Washington tomorrow.

It would be nice to spend Christmas with my mom.

There might be some awkwardness with Til and Brooks, but that was better than hostility, I guess.

Things here didn’t feel finished, and I knew that was stupid. I was going home . It was literally finished. The project was complete on this end, and I just had to work my magic back in my apartment. There was no view of the sunset or a claw foot tub, but that couldn’t be helped.

It was late morning, and if I was being honest, I didn’t want to spend my last moments here alone. Travis and I had formed a friendship, and it didn’t feel wrong to be with him today. I knew what I wanted to do one more time before I left.

He was in his room, and it felt weird to disturb him, but I knocked anyway. When the door opened, I felt warm at the sight in front of me. His body was wet and there was a towel wrapped around his waist, leaving his chest bare. I didn’t want to look away, but I forced myself to meet his eyes.

“Sorry,” I said. “You’re busy.”

“Just a bath. I was getting bored anyway.”

“Of course you were. So, I was wondering if you want to hang out today.”

“Yeah, definitely. I was going to ask you, but I’ve been lazy today and I didn’t realize how much time passed.”

“It’s cool. I have a way to get you moving.”

He raised a single brow. “Oh?”

“Shorts, sneakers, and a backpack with a change of clothes. And a towel.”

His eyes narrowed. “Please tell me we’re going to a sauna.”

“No.”

“Damnit, Roman, you’re gonna get us killed.”

“That’s what the extra clothes are for. It’s not that cold today.”

“But the water is.”

I raised and lowered my brows with a smile. He didn’t look convinced, but he sighed. When he leaned against the doorframe, I had to fight not to look at his abdomen again.

“Cool, I’m gonna get dressed,” I said. “No backing out.”

“I shouldn’t have ever talked to you.”

“Probably not.”

My heart was racing as I closed my door.

It was just a run, then a swim. The sky was clear today, so I imagined it shining down on his hair, bringing out the lighter parts while he felt the smooth stone under the water.

Maybe it would help me get that drawing right, but I doubted it.

The fucking eyes were never quite there.

*****

“I’m gonna get there first this time,” I said as we jogged through the woods.

His laugh seemed to bounce off of the trees. “We’ll see, Roman.”

After he said my name, I stared at him for a second. He looked at me, so I sped up. We didn’t have Tessa to lead us since it was cold and he didn’t want her in the water. She hadn’t been happy about it, but she had a marrow bone in front of the fireplace, so she’d be fine.

I swore when he came up beside me. He was fast, especially for his size. I ran, but not as much as him. Some days, he went more than o nce and he did other activities like hiking. His cardio game was far more on point than mine, but I was going to fight until the bitter end.

“Asshole,” I huffed when he gained some distance on me.

I saw the edge, so I put on as much speed as I could. He tossed his backpack onto the ground before he leapt, confident and fearless. The first time, I nearly had a heart attack, but now, I put everything I had into that jump.

I knew that he’d beaten me by a solid second, but as soon as I hit the water, it didn’t matter anymore. It was fucking freezing—not ice cold, but it was definitely colder than the air. My skin burned and it took me a second to orient myself before I kicked my feet and headed to the surface.

We broke through the water at the same time, right in front of each other. He surprised me by laughing. “It definitely woke me up.”

“Woke up my survival instincts.” I shivered and looked up at the sky through the breaks in the trees.

“It’s colder than a witch’s tit.”

The playful grin was still on his face as he floated on his back. I was torn between rushing for shore and staying at his side. The parts of my body that were underwater actually felt better than my shoulders and head. The cool air made every drop feel ten degrees colder.

I paddled over to the stone and he followed me. Like he’d done before, I leaned back against it and flattened my palms behind me. I hissed at how cold it was, but I didn’t move.

“This is still weird,” I said.

“Haven’t you figured out that I’m weird?”

“It’s the only thing that makes you tolerable.”

“Oh, you like weird. If you told me that two weeks ago, I’d call you a liar. What other surprises do you have, Roman?”

Turning, I leaned my shoulder against the stone. When he matched my position, I took in his appearance. His cheeks were red and there were drops of water rolling past his temples. My hand that was still on the stone moved across it, my fingers caressing the cold surface as I tried to ground myself.

“I don’t know,” I replied. “You tell me.”

“Hm. I was shocked when I found out you’re funny. ”

I breathed a laugh, then my eyes caught on his lips. The soft smile there was mesmerizing, and I’d become used to seeing it over the past three weeks.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, shifting closer.

“Um . . .”

My heart was beating too fast, too hard. God, I couldn’t breathe. Maybe that was why my thoughts were so jumbled—not enough oxygen to my brain.

“Roman?”

He put his hand on my bicep and it felt like electricity. I didn’t know why or how, but it did.

I flattened my palm on his chest, stopping some of the water droplets. His fingers tightened on my arm as I slid my hand further up. When I reached his neck, my fingers sunk into the hair at his nape, and without even thinking about it, I leaned forward.

He released me and moved backward. Everything shattered at that moment and reality crashed in through the jagged gaps.

I opened my mouth to say something, but I had no idea what the fuck I could say.

He didn’t give me a chance to figure it out.

He turned around and swam to the edge of the water, pulling himself onto the grass.

I wanted to stay in this spot forever and never face it, but I realized how cold I was. My teeth were chattering and I was trembling, although that may have been from what just happened.

“Fuck,” I muttered before I followed him.

By the time I reached him, he’d put on a dry shirt and switched out his shorts. He was putting on his shoes as I approached, and he glanced up at me, but he didn’t say anything.

“Travis . . .”

“You should change. You’re shivering.”

I picked up my bag, but I just held onto it with a tight grip, unable to actually do anything. Suddenly, he grabbed it from me and crouched as he unzipped it. He thrust a shirt at me, so I pulled off my wet one and put the new one on. When he tried to hand me something else, I shook my head.

“Roman, it’s freezing.”

After taking the backpack from him, I started walking. I couldn’t just get dressed like everything was fine .

Why would I try to kiss him? It was stupid, and if I’d thought about it for a second, I would’ve reminded myself that there was nothing between us. He didn’t want that and I didn’t want that. Now, I’d ruined our friendship.

“Roman, stop.”

Even though I didn’t tell myself to, I listened to him. He came around to stand in front of me with an exasperated look on his face.

“You can’t walk two miles in wet shoes. You’re gonna make yourself sick.” When I shrugged, he scoffed. “Come on, man. Let’s get back and we can talk about it.”

“No, I don’t want to do that.”

“Fine, then don’t.”

He turned around, and I watched him take a few steps. “I’m sorry I made everything uncomfortable.”

He looked at me and crossed his arms. “I’m not uncomfortable.”

“I tried to...” I swallowed and looked at the ground. “Obviously, you didn’t want that. I shouldn’t have thought...”

The crunch of leaves made me look up. He was closer, but he still kept a healthy distance.

“Are you gay?”

“No,” I said immediately, that familiar aggression rising to lurk just beneath my skin.

He studied my face. “You’ve been with men.” My breath hitched, but I forced myself to nod. “Have you kissed a guy?” I shook my head. “Sex?” Nod. “More than one?” Nod. “Are you gay, Roman?”

“No.”

“Then, no.”

My emotions were at war, and I couldn’t latch onto any individual one. “But—”

“What do you expect here? If you’re not gay, why would I want to kiss you?”

I dropped my gaze, unsure how to answer. He sighed, but I couldn’t look at him.

“Look, man, I live in the open, loud and proud. I’m happy with my life. Being alone with my dog makes me perfectly content. I really hope you come to terms with who you are someday, and if you want my help, I can point you in the right direction.”

“What if I want to figure it out with you?” I asked quietly .

“I’m not a life coach or a therapist. You clearly don’t have any idea what you want or who you are.”

My jaw clenched, and when I lifted my gaze, the nonchalant expression on his face made me angrier. “I know who I am.”

“Really?”

“Yes.”

He scoffed. “You’re pushing it all down until you can’t stand it anymore, then afterward, you do it again. It’s not helping anyone, and it’s not good for you.”

“But Kai and Sen—”

“I am not Kai, Roman. Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I can help you.”

“I have to go.” I brushed past without looking at him.

“Roman.”

No, no, no. I fucked up. It was time for me to go home. I shouldn’t have waited. If I left now, I’d be back home before the sun rose tomorrow.

Travis grabbed my bicep and turned me around. I felt like shoving him away from me, but his hand cupped the side of my neck and his lips met mine. Without thought or intention, I reached up to tangle my fingers in his hair, holding him to me.

In most things I’d ever done, I was in control, guiding my interactions and maintaining power over them, even when I gave into my urges. This was...not that.

Suddenly, I was pressed up against a tree. My lips parted and the kiss deepened, making my entire body feel supercharged. He tilted his head and kept his lips firmly against mine for another second.

“Feel that?” he asked. I nodded, unable to deny it. “This is what got me and Sen punished at conversion camp. It’s what woke me up and made me promise myself I’d never hide or apologize again.”

I tried to kiss him, but he pulled back. Everything inside of me was telling me that I needed to feel like I had a minute ago.

“Say it or don’t, but you’re gay, Roman.”

“No.” I pressed my lips together, trying to push away the automatic reaction. “I mean...”

“Listen to that part of you that you just felt. Use it to find yourself. You deserve it.” He started walking again, but not in the direction of the house .

I was back on the idea of leaving. After that, I couldn’t imagine staying. At the same time, I wanted to, even though it was pointless. We wouldn’t be hanging out or laughing about our swim in the cold.

I needed to warm up, then I’d figure it out. Pushing my fraught emotions away, I reached for the familiarity of my anger, but even that was weak.

I was weak.