Page 45 of Catch Me (Becoming Us #4)

Roman

Standing outside of the massive building, I found it impossible not to scowl. From the pictures on Instagram, I knew that it was extremely fancy, but this was just ridiculous.

I didn’t want to give them a chance not to let me up, so I stood outside, leaning against the wall. After twenty minutes, someone walked out of the door, and I acted like I was on my way in, rushing to get out of the rain. I grabbed the door before it closed and stepped inside.

Every step I took made me clench my teeth harder. This felt like the worst idea, but I knew it could help. I had to figure this out. I needed to talk to Travis, and every day that passed made me feel more desperate. Leaving him like that...It was the worst mistake I’d ever made.

When I got off the elevator, I took a deep breath. After I knocked on the door, I rocked back on my heels.

This was gonna suck.

It would be horrible.

I was probably going to fuck it all up .

The door opened and I came face to face with West—the last person I wanted to talk to. The way he surveyed me spoke of a desire to bloody my face. As he leaned against the doorframe and took a bite of what looked like a churro, he smiled.

Everybody thought this guy was hot, but I didn’t feel it. He was so obviously pretty, and it wasn’t my cup of tea.

“Can I come in?”

He hummed thoughtfully. “I don’t know. Were you invited?”

“You know I wasn’t.”

“Then, why would I let you in? For all I know, you could be packing a bomb.”

“Come on, man.”

“Who is it?” someone called.

“An enemy,” West replied.

I tried to squeeze past him, but he blocked me. The guy was big, but not big enough. Grabbing onto his arms, I backed him up, then spun him around so that he was against the wall. He tried to fight me, but I was stronger than him, and that clearly pissed him off.

“Thank you,” I said with a fake smile.

“What the hell just happened?” his boyfriend, Linc, asked.

“He attacked me,” West grumbled.

“Guess that answers the question of who would win in a fight.”

Shaking my head, I walked out of the entryway and came into a huge, open space. There was a kitchen to the left and floor to ceiling windows that made up the far wall. Continuing through, I found a living room with a giant TV and a sectional couch.

The entire group was there, drinking and laughing. When they saw me, some widened their eyes and a couple jumped to their feet.

“Roman,” Brooks drawled from his spot on the couch. “I didn’t know we’d be blessed with your presence on New Year’s Eve. It doesn’t cheapen the night at all.”

“I need to talk to you,” I said, looking at Til and ignoring everyone else.

He lifted Brooks’ arm off of him and sat forward, looking a little uncomfortable. “Why?”

“Just because.”

“If you’re not gonna tell me, then I don’t want to talk. Last time I saw you, you were hostile. ”

I bounced on my toes and looked at the ceiling. There were too many damn people here and they were all watching me. Having this conversation with Til was bad enough, but I didn’t think I’d be able to avoid involving everyone else. They were all codependent.

“You told me to tell you when...” I trailed off, biting the inside of my cheek.

Til’s eyes widened. “Uh, I told you to call me, not show up at my place.”

“I’m in town and this is important.”

“Have you figured it out?”

I looked at the crowd and let out a frustrated growl. “Yes.”

“Figured what out?” West asked, obviously trying to push my buttons.

Fuck my life.

“I’m gay.”

Blank stares all around. That was just great.

Kai smirked. “Welcome to the club. Why do we care about this?”

“I . . .”

“They might act like dicks,” Til began, “but if you’re looking for help, there’s literally no better place than with all of us. Our stories are varied and you could see yourself in some of them.”

Nodding slowly, I wrapped my arms around myself. “I slept with Travis.”

West choked on his churro, Linc spit out his beer, Kai was way too entertained, Sen was a deer in headlights, and Brooks looked shocked for the first time since I’d met him. Til pulled his legs up to sit crisscross, then patted the seat beside him.

“Do I have to?”

“Yup,” he replied. “Since this is what finally made you reevaluate your entire existence, you’re going to tell us every detail.”

“And he’s our friend,” Sen added. “Did you hurt him?”

I sat down and my gaze fell to the floor. “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

*****

After I begrudgingly explained the entire situation and heard some threats from the more unhinged of the group, I downed a really strong mixed drink that Til made.

“You’ve known him for two months,” he pointed out.

“How long did you know Brooks before you were interested in him? ”

“Five seconds.”

Brooks smiled, then bit his tongue. “I was interested in Tilian before I met him, so there’s that.”

Linc smirked at West. “I thought he was hot the first time I met him, but it took me, like, six months to see him as more than a cockroach.”

His boyfriend scowled. “Don’t you dare bring up my roach trauma.”

“He gave you a time limit,” Kai noted. He had his hands folded and perched on his knee, which made him look like a shrink. The ring on his finger stood out, and it was more badass in person. “And you’re past that time limit. Now what?”

“I was in a bad place after my dad texted me. Things felt like they were collapsing in my mind, burying me under all these years that I’ve been angry and confused. I convinced myself that he deserves better than me because I didn’t believe that I’d ever come out.”

“He does deserve better,” Brooks muttered.

Sen shot him a withering glare. “Do you believe you’ll come out now?”

I took a sip of the new drink someone passed me.

“I believe that I’ll get there. I believe that having a chance to be with Travis is worth it.

I believe that, even though we only spent three weeks together, there’s something between us that’s strong enough to make me brave.

And I believe that, whether or not it works out between us, I deserve to be able to live freely someday. ”

“Say that he doesn’t want to do this anymore. What happens then?”

“I have no idea.”

Sen nodded as he chewed on his lip. “I understand the way it feels when somebody finally sees you. It does make you brave, and suddenly, you start to feel hopeful because they make you believe that your future can be happy. But I didn’t find the courage to come out until I accepted that it was also for me, not just for Kai. That’s a big piece of it.”

“It’s for me too,” I said. “But I guess he woke it up. I think it’ll take longer for me to really accept myself if I don’t have him, but I still want to do it regardless.”

“Would you fight for him?” Linc asked .

He’d never said anything directly to me, so I was a little shocked.

“I mean, yeah, but if he said he didn’t want to be with me, then I’d have to let him go.”

“Maybe,” Sen mused. “The thing is, you broke his trust. He wasn’t in conversion for very long, but I’ll tell you one thing about it that doesn’t go away—not being able to trust people.

His dad put him in there, and even though he pulled him out, that creates a wound.

Part of the reason I feel safe with Kai is that he’s never lied to me.

When he made me promises, he kept them, even when he had every right to walk away because I’d asked him for too much.

He stayed, and I stayed, because he’s my safety.

You didn’t keep your promise after Travis offered you that same safety. Why should he trust you now?”

“He shouldn’t.”

Til sighed. “There were times when I didn’t think I’d be able to keep trusting Brooks.

He made it really fucking hard.” Brooks jabbed him in the ribs, but he kept going.

“It took a while, but he did come through for me, and now, he’s never made me question him again.

Travis has no obligation to trust you or give you any chances.

Of all the people in the world, he is a good, genuine person.

I do think you could be really good for each other, but you have to be willing to change, Roman.

You have to let yourself be vulnerable and do all of these things you’ve never allowed before.

If you can do that, I think that you should talk to him. ”

“But I’m not there yet.”

“So? He knew that when he slept with you, and he was willing to figure it out. That’s why you were supposed to tell him what was happening in your head, no matter what it was.

This is going to be a long journey for you, and you’re gonna have to deal with the thing that made you run in the first place—your dad. ”

The idea made me look at my hands. “Yeah, I know.”

“I’m the expert in daddy issues,” West announced. He dropped onto the couch incredibly close to me. “Tell me, has your dad ever punched you in the face so hard that you were scared to go to sleep because you might not wake up?”

“Um, no.”

“Oh.”

“I think the issues with his dad are a lot more like mine than yours,” Sen pointed out.

“The difference between us is that I denied who I was for so long because my parents didn’t want me to be gay.

You denied who you are because you didn’t want to be gay.

If you’re ready to accept it, send a text to Travis right now, and if he’s willing to talk, you need to call him.

In the meantime, we’re gonna keep talking.

Hopefully, we’ll get some shit figured out before we get sloshed. ”

Roman: Hey

My eyes burned as I stared down at that message. The words became blurry and my chest split open. It was humiliating, but when Til put his arms around me, I felt all of my buried truths finally spill out of the cracks that had been forming since I met Travis.

I’d never forgive myself for what I’d done that morning. I hoped that he could, but there was a part of me that wondered if he shouldn’t. Travis was good—too good for this world, and especially too good for me.

But I’d fight for this until the last of my hope dwindled. I’d fight for him, even though we’d barely had any time together. Even though we didn’t know enough about each other. Even though I was just me.