Page 44 of Catch Me (Becoming Us #4)

Roman

Alex let out a sound that rivaled the roar of a T-rex as he clutched the new Xbox to his chest. I didn’t know what model they were on now, not that I’d have the money to buy one anyway. Naturally, it was from Brooks.

He was pissed at me for being a dick all week, but I didn’t really care how he felt right now. When he looked at me and winked, I rolled my eyes.

“Must be nice to have daddy’s money.”

It looked like he was ready to lunge at me, but Til leaned closer to him and started brushing his fingers through Brooks’ long hair. It made me think of how Travis’ had felt when I did the same thing. At the time, I thought it was the best feeling in the world. I still did, actually.

“Okay,” Mom said. “That’s enough pestering. Roman, I shouldn’t have to tell you this. You’re an adult.”

“Is he?” Brooks asked, cocking his head.

I got to my feet and ignored my mom when she called my name. Fresh air was what I needed right now .

Sitting on the deck, I looked out at the yard. It felt similar to his but not the same. The view wasn’t as nice, and somehow, it didn’t feel as peaceful.

I pulled out my phone and looked at the texts from Travis. He hadn’t sent any since yesterday morning. I wanted to listen to his voicemail again, but what I heard in his voice hurt.

The missed calls from Leo were like flashing red lights, alerting me to the danger I’d awoken through my own stupidity.

If my head hadn’t been so off from the phone call with my dad, I would’ve checked who that text was from before responding.

Instead, I told eleven of the most toxic, homophobic guys on campus that I’d been fucking Ezra.

The jokes they’d made before I deleted myself from the group chat... the names... the shame... even a couple threats, although they passed them off as humor.

Maybe it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal on its own.

It wasn’t like I wanted to hang out with those assholes anymore.

It just felt like the beginning of a larger problem, though.

It made everything real and reminded me that I wasn’t the person I’d convinced Travis I was.

I was a coward, scared like a little fucking boy.

I navigated to another message, the one my dad sent while I’d silently packed my shit at Travis’ house.

Even if I could’ve talked myself out of leaving before that, his words had been the metaphorical other shoe, and coupled with what he’d said on the phone that same night, I just couldn’t pull myself out of the spiral.

Dad: Y ou sure you don’t wanna come here for Christmas?

We want to hear what you’ve been up to and it’d be good for you to be around other people.

You can come to the shop and see how you feel about it now that you’re almost done with school.

Let me know and I’ll get you a flight. I’m proud of you, Rome, and I just don’t want my kid stuck around that disgusting lifestyle.

I can hear how that family’s changed you. I worry about you.

I had to get this shit together, but I didn’t know how. He was disgusted by Ross’ family. Would he be disgusted by me ?

Of course he would. He was already disappointed and trying to pull me away from what he considered a bad influence—my own fucking mom.

Maybe I should’ve cared less about it, but regardless of the issues we had, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my dad entirely.

That was the entire problem. I couldn’t trust myself to ever live openly. It was cowardly, but it was the truth, and it had become painfully clear after I outed myself. There was no way I could tell people my secret, and it was possible that would never change.

In Georgia, in that house with Travis, I thought I could do it. I was in this bubble where I felt safe, but I’d been na?ve to think that it would somehow change everything after I left. I’d been a coward since I first found myself attracted to a boy, and I was still a coward at twenty-two.

“Doesn’t matter where you are or what’s going on. I’ll be there.”

Travis was brave, and he needed someone who was the same way. I didn’t want to make decisions for him, but he was too fucking nice. He would sacrifice way too much and he’d keep believing in me, even when I failed him, which was inevitable.

Like he said, he was out—loud and proud. But I couldn’t be. Some texts and a phone call reminded me of that.

Maybe someday, but not right now. I wasn’t what Travis needed, so I had to make the decision because I knew that he wouldn’t.

I dropped my face into my hands and thought about how he looked when he was asleep. Drawing it had come to mind, but that felt like torturing myself. I’d studied his face so intently while we had sex, and I couldn’t bring myself to draw that either.

I heard the door open, then soft footsteps approached. Blinking a few times, I lifted my head.

“Hey,” Til said.

“What do you want?”

“To figure out what happened.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“A few weeks ago, you wanted to find yourself. We moved past everything. Now, we’re back to this.”

“I found myself. This is who I am.”

“Have you accepted it? ”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “There’s nothing to accept. A heart-to-heart isn’t on my Christmas agenda, so go back to your boyfriend.”

“Jesus, Roman. Stop being so angry.”

“Fuck off.”

He huffed but came closer. “Travis asked me about you.”

My nostrils flared and I had to look away from him. When I didn’t respond, he sat beside me.

“He sounded worried.”

“What’d he say?” I demanded. My heart was beating too quickly while I waited, even though I knew that Travis wouldn’t have told him about us.

“He said he needs to talk to you about that project, but...Did something happen between you?”

“No.”

“Roman—”

“Mind your fucking business, Tilian!” I shouted, jumping to my feet.

He followed me, looking pissed. “Why do you have to act like this? I’m trying to help you.”

“How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t need it? You don’t care. You never have.”

“I would have if you weren’t such a fucking asshole.”

“That’s because I can’t fucking stand you.”

“Bullshit. It was because you had feelings for me back then and you couldn’t face them.”

I scoffed. “Feelings. Don’t flatter yourself.”

“You wouldn’t admit it then, and now you won’t admit that you care about someone else. You’re scared.”

Getting closer, I grabbed onto his biceps. He lifted his chin, leveling me with a challenging glare. Always. Every fucking time. He never budged, never backed down.

“Stop being such a desperate little bitch,” I said. “Leave me alone.”

He shoved my chest, which shocked me. “Desperate?” He laughed, even when I pushed him back harder.

“How am I the desperate one, Roman? How many times did you come to me? You can’t beg me to sleep with you again and again for two years, then turn a round and call me desperate just because you’re too fucking scared to admit that you’re gay. ”

“Uh, baby,” Brooks said from the doorway.

I felt like I was going to be sick when I saw my mom and Ross standing with him. They both looked horrified.

“Shit,” Til muttered. “Surprise, I guess. Merry Christmas and to all a good night. Is dinner gonna be really awkward now?”

He didn’t care about them knowing, but I did. It felt like a domino had been knocked over, and the entire set was about to go down. I couldn’t fucking breathe.

“Hey,” he said, gentler than before. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know they were there.”

Shaking my head, I stepped back. “Don’t act like you give a shit. You’ve been dying for a reason to out me since the first time.”

“No, I—”

“Roman,” Mom called when I rushed down the steps and headed around the side of the house.

I didn’t have a car here, so I just walked with no destination in mind.

*****

A knock on the door made me grip my tablet. I thought I’d been out late enough, but I should’ve expected that she’d stay up and wait for me. There was no avoiding it, so I might as well get it over with.

“Come in.”

When the door opened, my stomach bottomed out. Instead of my mom, Ross came in. He looked like he felt as awkward as I did.

“Uh, hey,” I said.

“Can we talk, Roman?”

“I’m assuming there’s only one right answer to that.”

He grabbed my desk chair and swung it around. After he sat, he smoothed his palms down his jeans.

“What Til said—”

He held up a hand. “He told us.”

“Everything?”

“I don’t know, but anything else is between you two.”

“Is she mad?” I asked softly.

“No, but she’s confused and upset.”

“Because I’m . . . ”

“Because you didn’t talk to her. Everyone’s experiences are different; I know that. Your father is who he is and that can’t be easy, but your mom loves you. She’ll love you no matter who you are or who you love.”

“I know.”

“You’ve seen the changes me and my family have made over the years.

The viewpoint I had back then is vastly different from who I am now.

I’m not your dad, but I care about you like you’re my son.

If you’ll let me, I’d like to listen to you and try to understand you.

It’s something I’ve been doing with Til, and I think you may need that as well. ”

A single tear rolled down my cheek as I passed him the tablet. He looked at the drawing, then at me.

“The baseball player.”

“Travis,” I replied. “I stayed with him while I was in Georgia.”

“Your mom said you got a hotel.”

I shook my head. “I lied. I thought we weren’t going to get along, but we did. Before I left, I made him a promise, then I broke it. I ran.”

“Why?”

Taking the tablet back, I showed him the text from my dad. “He said some things that made me panic because I know he won’t accept it. Some people at school found out and I just...” Shaking my head, I tried not to drown in my emotions. “I just can’t stop being afraid.”

His brows pulled down and he pursed his lips.

After he took a deep breath, he leaned his elbows on his knees.

“We’re all human and we make mistakes. All of us have chances to earn forgiveness, from God and the people around us.

I believe that goodness is somewhat complicated and its qualifications are different to everyone, but throughout my life and my studies, I’ve identified one thing that is required for a person to be good. ”

“What is it?”

“A willingness to change, whether it’s your beliefs or yourself as a person.

Change is one of the most difficult things to implement in your life, but without it, it’s impossible for us to grow.

If we can’t grow, we’ll always be stuck, and that means we can’t move forward.

If people weren’t willing to change, slavery would still exist, women would be considered property, and my sons wouldn’t have been laughing with their father at Christmas dinner tonight.

“Your dad refuses to change—not when your mom begged him so they could save their marriage, not when I told the church that we would love everyone like God would, regardless of who they are, and not when you told him that you don’t want to be a tattoo artist. You can keep waiting and trying to convince yourself that you can be what he wants or you can choose to be happy with the people who love you no matter what.

“The thing is, Roman, the longer you do this, the harder it gets and the angrier you’ll become.

You’ve treated my sons terribly, and still, I’ve never given up on you because I know you aren’t your dad.

If you keep hurting the people who love you, though, they’ll eventually walk away, not because they’ve stopped loving you, but because it’s safer for them. Do you hear what I’m saying?”

“I don’t want to keep hurting people, Ross. Even Brooks and Tilian. I don’t hate them, and I know I haven’t been fair.”

“Til will forgive you. Brooks will do anything Til wants, even if he complains about it. You just have to choose who you want to be and you have to stick with it.”

“What if I can’t?”

“Then, you lean on those of us who care and we keep you upright until you’re ready to keep trying.

As for your situation with Travis, I’m not the right person to help you with it.

I don’t know him, but there’s someone who does, the same person who can help you figure out what’s happening inside you. ”

“I don’t know.”

“Think about it. Don’t rush. Your mom is sleeping right now, but I’d like it if you would talk to her tomorrow.”

“I will. Thank you, Ross.”

He smiled before he stood and left the room.

I flopped onto my back and checked my texts.

Travis was two hours ahead, so it was past one in the morning.

I still couldn’t explain everything to him or make him any promises.

I had to figure my shit out, then I’d talk to him.

I wasn’t sure if he’d still be willing, but I also wasn’t ready to try.

He asked for a single text, and I should’ve already done that, but it didn’t feel fair.

It would give him hope, and I couldn’t stand the thought of doing that just to turn around and hurt him again.

Even though it was a huge risk and I’d probably end up hating myself for it, I’d just have to focus on what was going on inside of me and find a way to live with whatever happened.