Page 11 of Catch Me (Becoming Us #4)

Travis

I could hear Pete’s voice in my head as my finger hovered over the ‘post’ button. It wasn’t bad to share resources that teens could look into, right? They couldn’t call it activism, could they?

Ever since Saturday, I had been overthinking it.

He hadn’t made the situation any clearer, so I wasn’t sure what I was allowed to do.

If they tried to push back against what I’d been doing prior to getting more serious, I would have a lot of things to say about it.

Pulling back a little was one thing. There was no way I’d stop altogether.

I tapped the button, then let out a breath. It felt good to do something . My mind, the chaotic goblin that it was, wanted to take things further. The impulsive side of me said to go all in. Call out the states, the politicians, the media, corporations, the fucking president. Demand better.

Instead of doing all that, I decided to go LIVE. It was daytime but not too sunny, so the light should be good. I didn’t want to be in the house anyway. After sitting on the deck with my legs hanging over the edge, I ran a hand through my hair.

A text came through, making me pause .

Roman: Hey

I wondered if he ever led with the point.

Trav: Hey back

Roman: Do you like this?

He sent me an image of his tablet in his lap.

There was a drawing of me on the field, getting ready to pitch.

The attention to detail was insane, and he’d made me stand out by slightly blurring the background, as if it was all converging on me.

Even with the effect, everything was somehow clear and recognizable.

When I looked closer, I saw my number set into the background.

Jesus. He’d done this in three days?

Trav: Do you even have to ask?

Roman: The color is wrong

Trav: How?

Roman: Your hair

Trav: Looks right to me

Roman: No

I wasn’t really sure what he was looking for, so I snapped a picture and sent it to him. Maybe the light would help him.

As soon as I went LIVE, people started joining. It was still surreal when I did this. Sure, I had some fame under my belt because I was a MLB player, but it was a different feeling when I had followers who were interested in what I had to say, not just how well I threw a ball.

Haven’t seen you in forever , someone wrote in the feed.

I laughed. “I just did this a few days ago. I’m glad y’all missed me, though. Tessa has been a bit moody and is giving me the cold shoulder.”

What’d you do to her?

“I did nothing,” I said, faking offense. “She made a friend over the weekend, so maybe that’s it.”

OMG do you have a bf ?

“No, absolutely not. I’m entirely devoted to Tessa and all of you. But I’m not here to talk about me. I wanted to do a little update and introduce you to someone. Anonymously, but this person might talk to you guys at some point.”

Who?

Is he hot?

Is it someone who went through conversion?

“Uh, okay. He’s a friend of mine. Since I know that question will be repeated until I answer it, yes, he’s hot, but that’s irrelevant. He told me that I can share some things about him while he decides if he’s comfortable speaking out.”

Romans_last_stand joined the LIVE video

I tried not to react. It could be anyone. I couldn’t imagine that he’d actually join.

“We met at conversion camp, but unlike me, he went for three whole summers.”

OMG that’s horrible

XOXO

“He was twenty when he accepted that he was gay. We didn’t talk for a long time, but we actually just recently reconnected.

He told me his story and it’s heartbreaking.

You all know about my life, and I want you to see the side of things that is much darker and so full of hate that it breaks people. ”

How could his parents do that to him?

SO angry

I thought about Roman and what Tilian had said when I was on the phone with Sen. If it was him here, maybe he wanted—or needed—to hear the things I talked about on these videos.

“Not just the negative stuff. There’s hope, no matter what someone has gone through.

Even if you haven’t been in conversion therapy, sometimes it isn’t easy to accept who you are, especially when so many people around you don’t.

I wish I could come on here and say that it gets better once you decide to live authentically, but that wouldn’t be the whole truth.

I don’t let most things bother me anymore, but I still have experiences that hurt me.

Some make me angry. I’m in a field that, let’s be honest, isn’t easy for gay men.

I receive hateful messages all the time, and I couldn’t tell you how many hostile or disgusted looks I get .

“It’s never easy, no matter who you are, and for many, it isn’t safe to be out.

I think about that every single night. That’s why I do this.

For all of you and for me—past me, present me, and future me.

There will always be people trying to silence us, to drown us out and put beeswax in their ears.

I think those of us who can, should speak louder.

We have to protect each other, especially those who are stuck being silent.

I’m a safe place for you. I’m always gonna be here, and if there’s more that I can do, I will. I’ll always lend you my voice.”

While comments came in, I considered my next words carefully. Like the post I made earlier, this was just informative. Facts, not opinions. I wasn’t endorsing anything.

Fuck it.

“Before I hop off, I want to say one thing. Right now, just under half of the states in the U.S. have laws prohibiting the use of conversion therapy. There’s a list in my bio if you’re interested in organizing in your state.

And this is for informational purposes only, of course. Have a safe night, y’all.”

I offered them a bright smile before I ended the LIVE.

My phone buzzed and my stomach lurched. They couldn’t have seen it already. When I saw who it was from, I both relaxed and tensed.

Roman: See?

Cocking my head, I stared at the image.

Huh. I guess he was right about the hair. It looked spot on now.

*****

“They love the idea,” Pete said when he walked into his office.

I was sitting on the windowsill, doom scrolling through Instagram. It felt like he’d been gone forever, and I’d already paced around the whole building multiple times. Watching reels wasn’t any more productive, but it was an effective way for me to distract myself.

“Are they running with it?” I asked without looking up. I was still pissy with him, so I was trying to keep things business only.

“Most likely. You know how they are, though. There are a dozen people to clear it with, budgets to set, and paperwork to do.”

“It’ll come out, what, in August next year? ”

“There’s time. It’s only November.”

“Just don’t want to give him a tight schedule. He’s in school.”

“He’ll have a few months, most likely. Don’t worry so much.”

“Cool. I’ll update him.”

When I stood, he bit his lip. Fucking hell.

I sighed. “Is it about the LIVE?”

“I told you to tone it down, Trav.”

“I have. All I did was spout some facts.”

“Facts that are easily interpreted as taking a stance.”

I shrugged. “Interpretation isn’t my business. People misinterpret things all the time. A lot of things are ambiguous.”

“They don’t care about your explanations,” he said. “Everything you say reflects on the team.”

“Alright, then I need a detailed list of things I can’t do. In writing. Once you get me that, I’ll take it into consideration.”

“Take it into consideration...This isn’t negotiable. You’re under contract. In a few more years, you can be a free agent and hope that there’s a team who’ll be supportive of your endeavors, but right now, this is where you are. Do you want to screw up your career?”

I gripped my phone tightly. “Get me a list, Pete.”

He said my name, but I continued out of his office. I wanted to march into the board room and talk to those bastards myself, but that would definitely get me sacked, especially if I went in with this attitude.

By the time I reached my Jeep, my hands ached from making fists. I started the car and put on some music, then navigated to Instagram. After taking a picture of myself, I added some text.

Stress relief. What’ve you got?

I already knew there’d be quite a few comments about sex.

It only took a few minutes for a handful of them to come through.

They weren’t wrong, but I wasn’t a casual sex person.

It didn’t matter to me enough, plus if someone recognized me, it became a whole thing.

I didn’t like to be a conquest for them to brag about.

When my phone buzzed, I started to wonder what the fuck was happening.

Roman: Hey

Trav: Hey bac k

Roman: You always say that

Trav: Because you always say hey

Roman: Oh

Fucking hell.

Trav: Did you just text me to say hey?

Roman: You didn’t respond about the drawing

Trav: Shit. I have a bad habit of that. My bad

Roman: It’s cool

Trav: It was perfect. They loved it. Just doing their boring business stuff etc., etc. I’ll let you know when there’s an official decision

Roman: Ok

That was enough of that. I needed to go on a run or head to the river. It was getting way too cold for it, but we might have a couple decent swims left. Quick ones.

If I didn’t do something, I’d grind my teeth to dust.

*****

Roman: Hey

Dear god.

I dropped my forehead into my hand and laughed.

It wasn’t an enjoyable laugh. I was kind of annoyed at this point.

This was six days in a row. I didn’t even know what to say, and it wasn’t clear why he kept texting me.

Every time, I told him I’d let him know.

He said ‘Ok,’ and we did the same thing the next day.

Yesterday, he asked me if I’d decided where to have him draw me with Tessa.

I hadn’t even thought about it since he offered.

Most things that got deposited in my mind pranced away, never to be seen again until someone brought it up.

My working memory was trash and I was easily distracted.

My brain was a curse or a superpower, depending who you asked.

This week, it’d been the former. Stress and the constant pressure from Pete about my social media resulted in a recipe for constant irritability.

Objectively, the texts weren’t a big deal, but it was another layer to add to everything else. It was unnecessary to update him every day, and I didn’t want to .

I exited the text and left my phone on the island. When Tessa saw me grab a ball, she spun in a circle, then darted outside. If all else failed, she could help with my sour mood. At the very least, she gave me distractions.