Page 18 of Catch Me (Becoming Us #4)

Roman

While the phone rang, I took measured breaths.

“Are you going to make this a habit?”

“I need to talk to Til,” I said, uninterested in dealing with Brooks’ shit.

“Well, about that. I’m currently balls deep in—”

“Oh my god!” Til shouted. “You are not. Stop stirring the pot.”

“Call me a witch, baby.”

“They use cauldrons.”

“Whatever.”

“Nevermind,” I muttered.

Til let out an exasperated groan. “Hold the fuck on.”

With every second that I waited, I considered backing out. It wasn’t like he’d give a shit. He never did.

“Okay, what’s up?”

“Are you alone?” I asked.

“Um, yeah. I’m outside and it’s cold. I’d also like to emphasize how insane it is that I’m now talking to you for the second time on the phone. I don’t enjoy ’90’s experiences, you know.”

“Sorry. You didn’t have to ans wer.”

“I wasn’t going to, but Brooks’ life mission is to push me to the brink of my sanity. One of these days, I may do a pirouette right off the balcony.”

“Don’t.”

“Uh...Yeah, okay. ’Twas a joke. Can we get to the point now?”

This was so fucking stupid. I could just hang up, but maybe that was weirder. He’d probably feel satisfied, like he won or something. I knew that was how he’d felt every time I came to his room at night. He’d rub it in my face. There was something I’d never really understood, though.

“Why did you sleep with me?” There was such a long silence that I checked the screen to make sure the call was still connected. “More importantly, why did you keep sleeping with me?”

“I, uh...” He blew out a slow breath. “Fuck. Roman, what is this?”

“Just a question.”

“Are you drunk?”

I laughed, then it cut off when my throat felt tight. Pulling the phone away from my ear, I put it on speaker and dropped it into my lap. I pinned my head between my forearms as if it would hold me together.

It wasn’t just my weird history with him or the things I may or may not have felt.

Those didn’t matter at this point, so I didn’t want to address them.

He was the first guy I’d slept with. The first person, actually.

I was sixteen then, but I’d never felt much interest before that.

This was where it all started, and I needed to unravel it or I feared I would always feel lost.

“Please,” I said weakly.

The phone buzzed and I saw a video request. I felt panicked, but I immediately connected it.

Tilian’s face appeared on the screen like some fucking beacon that had been lost in a dense fog for a long time.

The sun was just lowering, so there was enough light for me to see his dark blue eyes.

His blond hair was messy and the sides touched his cheekbones, framing his face.

The room suddenly seemed too small, so I got up and quietly went outside. After confirming that Travis wasn’t around, I sat on the deck and pulled my knees up.

Til bit his lip and dropped onto a couch on the balcony. “This is awkward. ”

“What isn’t awkward with us?”

A nervous laugh escaped him. “Based. Shit, I’m adopting Brooks’ stupid words.”

“He’s annoying, but you guys seem really in love.”

The awkwardness fled from his face and was replaced with a smile that proved my statement. “Yeah, we are.” He got serious again, which made my stomach lurch. “Why are you bringing up the past?”

“Because I have to.”

“Is this some seven-step program?”

“No, I’m just . . . self-discovering.”

His eyes widened a little. “Like . . .”

“No,” I snapped. “I’m not...Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound hostile.”

“I mean, you’re always hostile.”

“With you, yeah.”

“That makes it better.” There was an amused smile on his face now. That expression and his awkward one were the two ways I saw Til. They just encompassed his whole personality. He was good , and that was how I knew he absolutely despised me.

“Can you answer the question, Til?”

“Um . . . I don’t know how.”

“It’s a simple question.”

“Alright, then you answer it first.”

Tipping my head back, I took a long breath of the night air. It was cleaner than in Chicago, but it still didn’t help me feel better.

“I can’t really answer it,” I admitted. “It confuses me. And it...”

“Scares you?”

I just nodded.

“Look, I don’t think it matters what we did back then unless it helps you figure things out. Will it?”

“I think so.”

“Tell me if it was for the sex or more.”

I didn’t want to meet his eyes, but I did. There wasn’t anger or hostility there. He hadn’t threatened my life or been rude at all.

“It was more,” I said in almost a whisper.

“Do you want me to be honest?”

“Yeah.”

“It wasn’t more for me. ”

“Never?”

He shook his head. My nostrils flared, and it took a god-tier level of effort to keep from hanging up. I already knew the answer and it wouldn’t have mattered anyway. Maybe it was because it had been such a big thing for me back then, but now I was almost...offended?

“Do you still feel...” He trailed off and looked to the side uncomfortably.

“No,” I replied honestly. “It’s just this piece of my past that feels like it’s part of a bigger puzzle.”

“You know what that puzzle is.”

“No.” I shook my head firmly. “I don’t...I don’t know right now.”

“Okay. It’s okay not to know. You’re trying to figure it out, and that’s a good thing. Can I tell you something about it, though?”

“Sure.”

“You’re going to feel scared, but that doesn’t mean you should stop.

It means you need to keep going, because that fear won’t go away until you’re able to look at the finished puzzle.

It’s gonna hurt. The way you feel right now will come back a lot.

I said this to Brooks when he was in a really bad place: We can’t change that we’re afraid of something, but some things are worth taking risks for. ”

“How do I know which things?”

“You’ll just feel it like you do right now.”

“Fuck.” I swiped a hand down my face and tried to pull myself together. “I don’t have to be, right?”

His eyes softened. “You are what you are.”

“I’m not.”

“Okay.”

“This isn’t really why I called. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

“For?”

“All of it. The things I said to you and about you. The way I treated you. I don’t like who I was then, and today, I realized that I don’t really like who I am now. So, I’m trying to fix that, I guess.”

“Hm. I was really never hurt by it, but you pissed me off a hell of a lot. But I appreciate the apology. I think Alex needs it more.”

“I’ll get there. Uh, I think I’m gonna go. ”

“Yeah, sure. Brooks is pacing like a cat anyway. And Roman? When you get that puzzle put together, call me. I’ll pick up, but just the once.”

I smiled a little. “Thanks, Til.”

“Course. But one for old times’ sake.” He flipped me off before he ended the call.

Did I feel better? No. I felt worse, actually, but he did say this shit wouldn’t really get easier, which sucked.

There wasn’t anything else for me to do, and I sure as hell didn’t want to think about that conversation right now. I’d work out the shit in my head eventually. It didn’t matter what he thought or what Leo had said.

Nothing was for sure.

Everything was normal, just like I was.