Page 59 of Catch Me (Becoming Us #4)

Travis

Casually, I scanned the suite. It was still pretty early, and I was trying to ease my nerves before the game.

It wasn’t doing much good, so I just hoped I’d get into the swing of it when I stepped onto the field.

I was supposed to pitch the first few innings, and I was committed to setting us up for a solid game.

“He didn’t come,” Sen said softly.

“I didn’t ask.”

“You didn’t really have to.”

I chewed on my lip, trying to get out of my head and focus. Too many times since waking up, I’d replayed words that had been exchanged over the past few days. I asked myself what text Roman got that night to make him panic, and I wanted to know what happened at his mom’s place over the holidays.

Explanations didn’t matter, just like I’d said, but he’d mentioned things that I couldn’t get out of my head.

I worried that I was once again becoming intrigued by the enigma that was Roman Valdez, and it was worse because he wasn’t the same person as he’d been when he left.

I could feel the difference, even just in his presence .

I was happy for him. That was something I could allow myself to feel.

Regardless of what had happened between us, I didn’t wish ill on him.

He did deserve to have a good life and to find joy.

That didn’t mean our bridge could recover from the fire he’d left behind, while I slept through the smoke, dreaming of a future that never stood a chance.

“I’ve gotta get down there,” I noted, already turning away.

“What happened with you guys the other day?”

I stopped and looked at him again. “What do you mean?”

“After the escape room. When we got back to your house, you weren’t home yet.”

“Nothing happened. We just cleared the air and went our separate ways.” Rolling my lips, I pushed my hands into my pockets. “Why isn’t he here?”

“No idea. I texted to ask when he’d be here, but he just said he was staying in.” He kept his eyes anywhere but on me.

I needed to get to the locker room before Spencer had to hunt me down, but Sen’s words carved a pit into my stomach. The last thing I needed was to be unable to get them out of my head while I was playing. I was going to get us this win. That was a promise I’d already made to myself.

“What aren’t you saying?” I asked, getting closer and dropping my voice. The other guys were spread out in the suite, oblivious to the rest of the world, and I trusted Sen, even if I didn’t want him to make assumptions about my intentions. I had none. Just curiosity.

“Nothing.”

“Sen, I’m serious. You told me something’s going on with him. What is it?”

“It’s just...” He sighed and took my arm, moving me over to the wall.

“You know how angry he always was. He’s worked on that and done a lot to stop himself from pushing people away.

He’s actually changed a lot, but it was a cloak, you know?

Now, if he fights that anger, all of that stuff inside him builds up. ”

“Does he explode?”

“Sometimes, but not as much now. Tilian spent a couple of weeks in Chicago in February because... Well, it got dark. For a while, he’d have panic attacks.”

“Not anymore?”

“Not often, but he gets really bad migraines. ”

My heart raced from his words. “Is he sick?”

“No. A lot of pressure and stress. Look, I don’t want to tell you all this. It’s not my place. If you want to know, go talk to him.”

“I won’t have time.”

“After—”

“I need to rest, not dwell on the past. We’re going to Boston after this.”

He met my eyes again. “You’ve changed too.”

“I haven’t.”

“You’re not as warm as you used to be—not as upbeat. You don’t get on LIVEs anymore or post much.”

“I can’t. You know that.”

“The person from last year would’ve found a way. You cared about it as much as you care about baseball. Without it, you don’t feel the same.” He crossed his arms over his chest, which made me feel defensive.

“Every week, management got on my ass about it,” I reminded him. “I can’t take the risk.”

“I know you love baseball, but does it fulfill you the same way? Are you happy giving up such a big part of yourself for it?”

“It’s not that simple. This is my career.”

“Did you already negotiate your arbitration salary for next season?”

His words made me ball my fists. “That has nothing to do with it. What the hell, Sen?”

“You’re their most valuable player right now,” he pointed out. “Anthony can’t pitch like you anymore, so the offer must be a lot. Three million? Five million?”

“More money means I can help people. I can actually do something , even if I can’t be online.”

“How much?”

Grinding my teeth together, I shrugged. “Eleven if I’m on my shit for these games.”

His mouth dropped open. “ Eleven million ?”

I pressed the heels of my hands against my eyes. “Fuck, Sen. Just stop. It’s not about the money. This is what I want to do. It always has been. A couple years and I’ll be a free agent, then maybe I’ll get to a team that’ll let me do all that. ”

“I’m just worried, okay?” He put a hand on my arm, helping to calm my irritation. “It’s not about Roman or even the money, really. I want you to be happy, whether that’s playing baseball or whatever else.”

Gripping his biceps softly, I looked into his brown eyes. “I’m happy. I’ll try to do more once we’re done with the season. Promise. Maybe we can go LIVE together.”

“The day you win the World Series would be a hell of a date for it.”

My smile seemed to make him relax. “It’s a date,” I agreed.

“Go warm up or whatever. I expect you to pitch like a pro.”

“I am a pro, buddy. That’s why I’ll be making the big bucks.”

With a wink, I turned around. My dad wished me a good game, and all of the guys followed, along with the people Mikey had invited. I used their encouragement to bolster my confidence and get focused.

This was my game. I was going to kick the Sox off those Boston bastards.

*****

I wanted to go home and lie the fuck down, but I knew that I couldn’t.

I was teeming with energy, which was only exacerbated by my excitement.

We’d gone out and celebrated our win, and since tomorrow was a travel day, we’d allowed ourselves a couple of drinks.

Not enough to lower my inhibitions, though.

Well, maybe. I honestly couldn’t be sure if I’d have come to this damn hotel otherwise. I wanted to think I had better sense than that, but I was starting to doubt that. If I did, I wouldn’t have given a fuck at all.

As much as I hated it, I was worried, which meant I wouldn’t be able to sleep. Since Sen, Kai, and my dad were staying at my place, Tessa would have plenty of company until I got back.

After knocking for the third time, I began to pace in front of the door. It didn’t matter that I was freaking exhausted. I hadn’t been blessed with an off switch.

Finally, the door opened. When I saw Roman, I just felt even worse. He was in sweats and his hair was messy, which unfairly looked good on him, especially with the extra length. He looked groggy, like he’d just woken up.

“Were you sleeping?” I asked .

“No.”

He turned and walked back inside. I caught the door and followed him, trying to push away the awkwardness that almost convinced me to leave.

Roman leaned against the wall beside the window. His tablet was on the table, but he had papers set up on the bed with some sort of flat wooden tray that I assumed worked as a drawing surface.

“Can I...” I trailed off, not wanting to overstep.

After a second, he nodded. I came closer, keeping enough distance so that we weren’t touching. My eyes were locked onto the drawings, and I was compelled to look through them, but I pushed my hands into my pockets.

“What’s wrong with you?” I asked.

“Nothing. Why are you here?”

“You weren’t at the game.” He just gestured toward the TV. “You watched it?”

“Yeah. I had a lot of stuff to work on, so...”

“Character design.”

“Yup.”

“Do you like it?”

“What do you want, Travis?”

The venom in his voice was different from the way he’d sounded the other day. It reminded me why I was here.

“Explain.”

“No,” he said.

Feeling bold, I moved in front of him. He kept his eyes on my chest instead of looking at me. I grabbed onto his shoulders and held him in place.

“Why not?” I asked.

“You smell like booze.”

“Celebratory, but it’s not why I’m here. I want your explanation.”

He shoved my hands away from him and walked toward the bed. “I don’t see the point.”

“Fine.”

I headed for the door, already regretting every thought that had brought me here. I’d known it was a mistake, and I should have listen ed to the reasonable voice that told me to stay the hell away—far away.

“They called me a faggot,” he said suddenly, his voice inflectionless.

I came to a stop immediately. Turning around, I studied his face. It was just as dead as his voice. When he looked up, there was something dark in his eyes that brought memories to my own mind—trees, counselors, blood on my knuckles.

Curling my fingers inward, I dragged my thumb across the scars. “Who did?”

“My friends. I outed myself to them. Meant to send a text to someone else, but I was on the phone with my dad and...” He shrugged. “I freaked out.”

“So, you ran because the assholes who weren’t actually your friends chose to act like assholes?”

I caught his phone out of the air when he tossed it at me. There was a text pulled up, dated from December.

I glanced at him briefly, then scrolled down. There were more messages from his dad, which he responded to once in a while, but mostly dismissive things.

“You said you’re mostly out,” I remembered. “Not to him.”

He shook his head. “I keep trying, but...I guess that’s the thing with parents like him.

No matter how much you know better, some pathetic part of you still waits for them to say they’re proud.

You still twist yourself inside out hoping they’ll notice, like that’ll make it mean something.

Like if you just try hard enough, it’ll matter.

” He looked down at the floor. “You’ll matter. ”

Unable to stop myself, I stepped closer. I held the phone out, and he took it but didn’t pull his hand back. His thumb brushed across my knuckles once before I dropped my hand.

“It wasn’t just those guys,” he went on.

“Their voices became his, and for days , all I heard was him saying all of the things I’ve heard from him when he talks about Til.

I heard the things I said to Til and to Alex and so many others.

Maybe it’d be my penance for it, and I know I’ll have to face it someday, but back then, I was still clinging to this tiny sliver of hope that I could just stuff the truth back inside, even if it killed me. ”

“You could’ve just told me,” I said quietly .

“I panicked. And I almost turned around, but I remembered how you told me you weren’t Kai, which made me overthink.

I know that you would’ve been there for me, but at the time, I couldn’t reason that out in my head.

I couldn’t begin to believe that I was worth that, especially for someone like you. ”

I shook my head sharply. “That’s fucking stupid.”

“Maybe it wasn’t rational, and I know that isn’t fair, but it’s the truth.”

“Tell me what happened at your mom’s house.”

He sat on the edge of the bed and grabbed a bottle of pills from the nightstand.

After taking a couple of them, he rubbed his temples.

Without looking at me, he explained the resurfacing of his anger and the fight he had with Tilian.

He’d been outed to the whole family, and it had only worn him down more.

At the same time, it was what made him start to rebuild.

“You’re such a good person,” he went on.

“And I knew that it was going to be hard for me. It would take time. On the drive back to Chicago, I convinced myself that you deserved better than that. I couldn’t give you anything, and I hated the idea of keeping you a secret, hiding you away for God knows how long.

I didn’t trust myself to come out. You’re too fucking nice and you would’ve waited too long, given me too many chances. ”

I understood it. He had other things to focus on back then and he had to find himself. I couldn’t fault him for that.

“Thank you,” I said before I headed toward the door.

“What was the point of this?”

“Closure, I guess.”

“Wait, please.”

When I turned around, he was right behind me. He put a hand on my chest, making me waiver. And that was the whole issue, right?

“You said I was too nice,” I reminded him. “You worried I’d give you too many chances, that I’d sacrifice too much for you. But you were wrong, and it led us here.”

“Travis—”

“All you had to do was give me anything . If you’d have asked for more time to figure things out, I would’ve given it. But you lied to me. Abandoned me.”

“I know,” he whispered .

I shook my head and stepped back, letting his hand fall from my chest. “It was a mistake for you to come here. Maybe it’s best if you just went home.”

A familiar anger rose in his eyes, and for some inexplicable reason, that was what made me want to stay. But I didn’t. I couldn’t.

This time, he didn’t try to stop me when I walked away.