Page 8 of It’s Only Love

The beach is nearly pitch black with no moon out, and it’s cold as hell, but at least by the large fire, it’s not so bad.

I wear a thick wool fisherman’s sweater over a thermal, so it’s enough.

Surrounding the fire are logs and blankets everyone is sitting on.

There are about twenty of us from town, sharing drinks and stories of summer vacations, college plans, and the latest fling.

Aaron sits on a blanket with Amanda tucked between his spread legs. They met in college and have been dating for nearly a year. She finally came to Cannon Beach to meet my parents before they head back to the University of Oregon for their last year, and where I’ll start my first year.

Amanda is pretty, with long, light brown hair and tawny-brown eyes. She and Aaron seem solid, and if they’ve been together this long, it’s because she can keep up with my highly driven brother.

Mike sits next to Aaron instead of me, which is a little disappointing, but I remind myself that he was friends with my brother first. It still stings a little, especially since I’m leaving on Monday and I won’t see him until Thanksgiving. It’ll be the longest time I’ve been away from him.

Normally, I would be chatting his ear off, but I keep thinking about how much I’m going to miss him, and it’s bumming me out. I didn’t expect to feel this strongly about it, at least not tonight.

Wes nudges me with his elbow and hands me a flask we’ve been passing around for the past twenty minutes.

I take a quick sip as the burn goes straight to my gut before passing it on to Jerry, who was in my physics class this year.

It’s my fifth sip, and I’m already starting to feel the warmth of the liquor.

Those of us under twenty-one aren’t really allowed to drink, but no one cares tonight.

Wes hands me a beer and leans close to my ear. “Chug the beer back. Get another. Then go talk to him. Liquid courage and all that.”

“God, I already talk over my words half the time. Get me drunk, and I may not make any sense.”

He snorts a laugh and gently punches my shoulder. “You do not . You talk fast sometimes, but I understand you just fine. So does Mikey-poo over there. ”

I quirk a brow at him. “‘ Mikey-poo ?’ You’re fucking impossible.”

I chug the beer back despite my bitching, and the flask comes around to my turn again. Does someone keep filling it up, or is this a different one? I shrug and take a bigger sip from it before handing it off again.

I stand and brush the sand off my ass. “All right. Here goes nothing.”

Wes pats my back before I head off to make a fool of myself.

My gut twists tightly, making it hard to breathe.

I tell myself that this is Mike, my best friend.

There’s nothing to freak out about. Yeah, except I could lose my friendship with him.

Ugh, that would be the worst, but I tell myself Mike wouldn’t do that to me, no matter what.

With another beer in hand, I stand next to Mike, who’s sitting on a blanket. He looks up at me and smiles brightly. He’s so reserved, but damn, it’s like he only smiles like that for me. At least I like to think that’s true. I could be seriously projecting. That’s more likely.

I sit next to him and stare at the popping fire. The traveling embers look like fireflies we never get here on the coast.

“I’m going to miss our talks and hanging out,” I say. Good. That’s safe. No word vomit came spilling out of my mouth.

“Me too, but you’re gonna have fun in college.” His features soften as the light from the fire flickers in his blue eyes and reflects against his hair, making it look more golden than usual. “I’m so proud of you, Den.”

“Hey, you never told me you were proud,” Aaron huffs drunkenly.

Mike rolls his eyes and waves him off before turning his attention back to me.

“Being an environmental educator is going to be amazing. You’re gonna love it, I’m sure.

” He hesitates for a moment, his voice lower when he speaks.

“You’re gonna be fucking great at it, Den. I just know it.”

I swallow, trying not to just blurt out over six years of pent-up desire for him, especially not in front of Aaron. Get a grip, Den .

“Environmental science is going to be hard. But I thought maybe I could minor in social work. Wouldn’t it be really cool to teach kids about the world around them?

You know, like struggling kids. Maybe those who don’t have homes.

They could come to my program and enrich their lives, at least for a little bit. Maybe they can find a career path and…”

Mike touches my arm with a smile, silencing my rambling. Even through my sweater, my skin tingles with electricity.

I toss back my fresh beer, feeling a little woozy now, not used to drinking so much.

With a deep breath of courage, my stomach flutters a little. No, it’s fluttering in a violent riot. It’s now or never. Wes is right; I may not get another chance. With me gone for months after Monday, things will change between Mike and me.

I shove my trembling and clammy hands under my legs. “Mike?”

“Yep,” he replies, nursing a beer and staring out at the fire where several people are gathered, roasting marshmallows.

“C-can we talk?”

His smile is gentle and kind as he looks up. Long, light brown strands fall in his face, so he tucks them behind his ear. “We’re talking now.”

I puff out a breath, steamy from the cold. “I know that. What I mean is… privately.”

My eyes quickly ping to my brother, then back to Mike. God, I do not want my brother to hear what I plan to say. He’ll probably kill me. Maybe.

“Yeah, sure,” Mike says and stands.

I look back at Wes, who’s giving me two thumbs up. Ugh .

Mike reaches out a hand to me. When I grasp it, he hefts me up. Then, I follow him toward a rock outcropping some distance away from prying eyes and ears, now feeling the cold without the fire. Still, a nervous sweat breaks out along my spine.

He leans against a large rock, folding his thick, muscular arms across his gorgeously broad chest… Shut up, Den . I stand close beside him.

He frowns at me. “Are you okay, Den? Something bothering you?”

I shove my hand into my pocket and pull out a Fireball, unwrapping it and popping it into my mouth. The cinnamon burns my tongue quickly.

“Yeah, a little… I mean, I’m going to be gone in a couple of days, and we’ve grown to be pretty good friends, right?”

“Yeah, we’re great friends.” He smiles at me, a silent question in his eyes.

Unable to stand still, I pace in the sand and run a hand through my hair.

Fuck, this is harder than I thought, even with a buzz going on.

You can do this, Den . “You see, I… like you. We’ve really gotten to know each other over the years.

And you’re always there for me, like you’re for everyone.

You’re kind, and you put up with my yapping, despite needing the quiet.

Growing up, you never left me behind, even when Aaron didn’t want me there.

I can talk about anything with you, and you never make fun of me or tease me about my interests.

Hell, you’re the first person I came out to.

And when I told you about what I want to major in, you really encouraged me to go for it.

I also like how you quiet my mind… Well, it’s not quiet now.

It’s actually quite chaotic at the moment…

” I laugh self-deprecatingly as I continue to pace.

“Those are a lot of words, Den. What are you trying to say?”

“Huh?”

Mike grips my shoulders to stop my movements. “Den, I’m not following. Is this just nerves about going off to college? ”

I growl at myself and shake my head, still a little dizzy from the drinking. “I just told you. I… like you.”

I love you , I want to say, but I don’t dare say those words. Or, hell, maybe I should. Why is this so fucking hard?

He smiles sweetly and chuckles. “I like you, too, squirt. How many beers have you had anyway?”

Crap, don’t call me ‘squirt.’ Not now. This isn’t going according to plan, not that I really had a plan.

And I’m clearly not making any sense. It’s now or never.

Carpe diem, Den. Carpe fucking diem. Then, with a deep breath, I admit my deepest secret to him.

“Mike, I’ve been in love with you for ages.

” My voice shakes, and I kind of feel like I’m going to throw up.

His eyes pop open, and his lips part as if about to say something, but before he can tell me no or to fuck off, I cradle his face and, ever so gently, I press my lips to his. My first kiss ever.

God, this is where I belong. It feels like the sum of the past six years is wrapped into one second—a blur of images, memories, and moments with Mike come together into one perfect moment where my world rights itself. His soft and warm lips are everything.

Mike stills, but instead of kissing me back, he eases me off him and looks at me strangely. I can’t decipher his expression, but he’s definitely not feeling what I am, that much is clear.

“Shit… shit…” I mutter.

“Den, I… I…” His gaze flickers across my face.

“I’m…”

“God… uhm…”

Neither of us knows what to say as we stammer until Mike stands tall and straight, towering over me.

“Den, I’m so sorry, but… I don’t feel the same way.

You’re my best friend, but… we’re only friends.

” His gaze drops to the ground, and a heavy sigh leaves his body.

Then he looks at m e with an expression I can’t read.

Sadness, perhaps? “It can’t be anything more than that. I’m sorry.”

And with that, Mike walks away, leaving my heart shattered into a million pieces.