Page 17 of It’s Only Love

Dennis

Graduation was fucking painful. Instead of crawling into my blanket burrito, I was forced to sit there, pretending to be excited, forced to wear a mask of smiles for my diploma and pictures.

Then I had to suffer going out to dinner to celebrate.

As soon as I got home, I slept for nearly a day, emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I felt broken. My professor and Geoff had chipped away a piece of my soul, which I’m sure is lost forever.

God, I wanted Mike to be there so badly.

I wanted him to see me graduate because he would’ve been so proud of me.

Instead, I ignored his texts, consumed by humiliation.

Had he been there, he would’ve seen my shame, and then I would’ve been forced to tell him what happened.

I just couldn’t face him. I was barely hanging on to my sanity as it was.

If I’d seen him, I would’ve fucking broken.

It’s morning, and I need to get up to shower and get ready for brunch.

Instead, I lay in bed yawning and reading my texts from Mike, Wes, and Aaron.

Wes has written more because he’s a persistent and energetic bastard.

Mike has texted less because he likes to give me space when I need it.

He never pushes me. Or hell, maybe that’s just the kind of guy he is, which is what I’ve always liked about him.

I’ve already read all the messages, so I’m not sure why I’m reading them again. I guess because they’re comforting in a way, knowing there are people out there who love me.

Mike: I can’t believe you’re graduating already.

Mike: Do you want me to come? I mean, if you just want family

there, that’s cool, too.

Mike: Congratulations on graduating! Your parents sent me a pic

of you in your gown.

Mike: I’m so proud of you.

That last message is from yesterday, and it makes my eyes water and my bottom lip tremble. I’m not sure why I’m reacting to it this way. There’s nothing in the message that’s emotionally upsetting. I can’t figure it out.

Mike: You up yet, lazy pants? Can’t wait to see you!

Mike: Willow misses you, too. I’ll bring her to brunch.

Mike: We can see what trouble she stirs up.

Mike: Just keep her away from your mom’s famous poblano mac

‘n’ cheese. Can you imagine?

My laugh is wet as I swipe some tears from my face. He hasn’t complained once that I haven’t reached out to him or asked me why.

I sit up, grab a tissue from my nightstand, and blow my nose. I haven’t been crying all that much; mostly, I’ve just been feeling bleh. I just haven’t been myself. But Mike brought it out of me with his messages .

That’s his last message. Next, I scroll to Aaron’s. There’s only one from graduation day.

Aaron: Congrats, nerd!

Aaron: Seriously, I’m so damn proud of you. I wish I could be

there, but I just can’t get away from this paper I’m writing.

The deadline is coming up quickly. See you in a few weeks.

If I’d been feeling better, I would’ve responded with a slew of my own name-calling, all in fun.

Next is Wes.

Wes: Dude! We got back into town, and you’ve fucking ghosted

me.

Wes: What the hell is wrong?

Wes: Answer the fucking phone, man.

Wes: You seemed fine at graduation. What’s changed?

Wes: Well, screw you. I’ll be at brunch tomorrow, so get over it.

Wes: Oh, and love ya… and not in that way, dork.

I set my phone down and toss the pillow over my face, wishing I could just stay in bed for the rest of my life.

“Dennis!” Mom yells from downstairs.

“Ugh…” I groan to myself. “What?” I yell back.

“Do not yell from your room with a closed door!”

I throw the pillow off, climb out of bed, and open my door. “Yeah?”

“Are you seriously still sleeping? Go. Get ready. Everyone’s going to be here in an hour.”

“Do we really need this brunch thing?”

“Yes, and besides, it’s too late to cancel. Are you feeling okay?”

I press my head against the doorjamb and sigh. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

I’m so far from fine.

“Go, then. Hurry and take your shower. People will be here soon.”

I close my door and hunt down some clothes to wear before I shower.

The need not to go to this brunch is overwhelming, making it difficult to breathe at times.

It’s hard to wear a mask like nothing is wrong.

To plant a damn smile on my face and pretend life is dandy, and I haven’t just been betrayed by two very important people in my life.

It’s like my energy has been completely zapped out of me, and something has happened to my damn joy.

I’m not used to these negative feelings and intrusive thoughts.

“Fucking cope better, Den,” I bitch to myself out loud.

Is this what happens to people when they break up or get cheated on?

How do people deal with those in power who sexualize or hit on them?

I’m struggling to process it all. My mind is all over the place, and I can’t focus on a single thing that isn’t about what happened to me.

When I try to focus on the here and now, my mind wanders off to the past again. It’s annoying as hell.

One thing is clear, though. I don’t want to date for a long time. It’s going to take me a while to learn how to trust again. It’s also going to take me time to trust myself to see the signs I obviously missed.

Finally, I decide on a pair of dark wash jeans and a royal-blue button-up, and I lay them across my bed before heading to the shower.

I turn on the water, letting it warm up while I brush my teeth.

I should probably shave, but I can’t look at myself in the mirror.

A beard is coming in since I haven’t shaved since the night of the party, but I just can’t.

If I look at myself, I’ll have to see the shame, and I don’t know how to deal with it .

Once the water is hot, I step into the shower and let it sluice over me.

I rest my head on the tiles and soak up the heat.

It feels soothing, like when I bask in the summer sunrise when the air is cool and the sky is still dark.

Then comes the orange glow of the sun, shimmering over the water like a pile of gold.

I sit next to Mike, which makes the moment even more perfect.

That’s my moment of Zen, but even imagining it does nothing to boost my mood.

In glimpses, I feel like my old self, but then those constant memories of Geoff fucking another man hit me in full force. Then, flashes of my professor touching me join the queue…

All the shit comes crashing down around me again, and I tense up. I quickly wash my body and hair, then I dry off.

With a towel wrapped around me, I walk into my bedroom to find Wes sitting on my bed. I stop in my tracks, and I nearly panic, afraid that he’ll see right through me. It takes me a moment to adjust my mask and plaster a smile on my face.

“Hey,” I say, digging in the top drawer of my dresser to pull out some underwear. I slide them underneath my towel before tugging it off and dropping it onto the floor.

His shrewd blue eyes narrow at me. “You’ve been ignoring me.”

“Sorry, man. I’ve been busy as hell since I got back.”

“Bullshit.”

I huff at him as I pull on my jeans and zip them up. “You calling me a liar?” I snap too harshly, instantly regretting it.

His brows shoot to his hairline. “Dude, I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on with you.”

“Nothing’s going on with me.” Fuck, I hate lying, but I just can’t face this with him or… anyone. “Just been busy. Hey, there’s that popular action flick hitting the drive-in. I was going to drag Mike to it. Wanna go? ”

His tense face and muscles relax, and he grins crookedly. “Is it the new one with Florence Pugh?”

“That’s the one.”

“She’s hot.”

I roll my eyes and grin back, trying to remember the old Dennis. The Dennis before Geoff and Professor Mitchell. He’s hard to bring back after everything he went through. “I guess she’s hot if you’re a straight dude, which I’m not, but I can appreciate her.”

Wes waggles his brows. “She’s got delicious curves.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“Nice beard, by the way. New look for a new Dennis?”

I inwardly wince because I am a new Dennis; Wes just doesn’t know by how much.

I rub my fingers through it. “You like?”

He tilts his head, his eyes filled with concern, as he sees right through me. “Den, what happened that night at the party? You’ve been different since then. You seemed okay during graduation, but then I stopped seeing you around. You were packed up and gone.”

And here I thought it was a crisis averted. “Nothing happened. Geoff texted to call things off.”

He sits up, his blue eyes turning into saucers. “What the fuck? Why the hell didn’t you tell me? Why’d he end things? What did the prick say?”

“It’s nothing. It doesn’t matter anymore. He just wanted to move on.”

“I’m so sorry, man. Breakups fucking suck.”

Shit, it’s too easy to lie to Wes, and I feel like such an asshole. Mike’s a different story. Hell, Mike doesn’t even know I have a boyfriend… Had .

“No wonder you’ve been off.”

I shrug. “I’ m fine. Really.”

I’m so not fucking fine, but I can’t deal with this right now.

“Let’s go eat some of Mom’s delicious food.”

I gesture toward my door. The sinking feeling hits the pit of my gut, knowing that I’ll still have to live my life, even through my pain. I’ll still have to talk to people even though I don’t want to. I’ll still have to go to work starting Monday. I’ll still have to face… Mike.

Wes and I head downstairs. I’m forced to smile, shake hands with my parents’ friends, accepting their congratulations and my parents’ bragging rights that they’ve got their second graduate.

My face fucking hurts from all the smiles. I’ve never wanted to frown more.

Finally, I can eat. I load my plate up with Mom’s famous mac ‘n’ cheese, some smoked sausage, a salad, and some cornbread. Wes heads off to talk to the daughter of the Fords, my parents’ best friends.