Page 21 of It’s Only Love

Dennis

I stand in front of the mirror in my bedroom, adjusting the collar of the red polo shirt with “Cannon Beach Explorers Day Camp” embroidered on it. Then I tuck the hem into the waistband of my khaki cargo pants.

My coffee is sitting in front of me on the dresser, and I take a sip of the warm brew.

I’m nervous and excited at the same time. This day camp is my first ‘grown up’ job, and it’ll give me some amazing experience as an environmental educator. But I also want to make a good impression and keep the tourists interested and engaged while protecting the environment.

God, it’s nice not to have to think about any shit other than the job.

It’ll be a great distraction because, between graduation and today, I haven’t been able to get out of my fucking head.

Geoff and Professor Mitchell really did a number on me mentally.

One made me feel unloved, and the other grossed me out.

Geoff rejected me. Mike rejected me. I feel unwanted.

What makes it all worse is that it killed my libido .

Then there was the other day when Mike found me at Ecola.

Maybe he rejected me romantically, but he never turned his back on me.

He’ll always be my best friend. That was the best and most painful day since graduation.

I sat there for who knows how long, lost in memories, trying to figure out where I had gone wrong and how I was going to move forward.

People go through this all the time, right? How do they get past this shit?

Mike knew exactly where I was. He knows everything about me.

Well, almost. He held me in his silent strength as I cried like a baby.

I wanted to tell him everything, but shame held me back.

It’s not just the shame of what happened, but my pathetic coping skills.

Then we sat quietly, watching the sunset.

For a moment, I felt almost normal again…

until reality set in when I got home that night.

Trust. That’s the keyword that keeps floating in my head.

Trust will be the hardest to get back if I ever bother dating again.

I’m always going to wonder if the next guy I date will cheat on me, too.

I’m afraid I’ll scrutinize his every word and movement to make sure I don’t miss the signs.

It’s not only distrust of any future partner but also constantly second-guessing myself.

Yep, it’s best that I don’t date again. Not for a long time.

It’s another good reason to be back in my small hometown, working—no new people to potentially date. Then again, there are always tourists. They come and go. Perfect for a random hookup if the urge ever strikes again.

Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? That’s not what I want either. It works for Wes, but not so much for me. Call me old-fashioned, but I like being in a relationship. Or I used to. Not that I can even get it up lately.

Shut up! Get the fuck out of your head .

My phone buzzes with a text, and I lift it from where it rests face down on my dresser and look at the screen. A smile tugs at the corner of my mouth unhindered. A real one.

Mike: Good luck on your first day, Mr. Environmental

Educator.

I quickly shoot a text back.

Me: Thanks! I can’t wait.

Mike: When you get off, let me know how it went.

Me: Will do.

Knowing Mike’s thinking of me calms me down instantly.

I chug down the rest of my coffee, then head downstairs with the empty mug. Dad’s already at work, but Mom’s sitting at the kitchen table, eating some eggs and toast before she opens her gift shop. It’s tourist season, so the summer is when she’s the busiest.

She smiles brightly as soon as she sees me. “Oh, look at you. I’m so proud of you, honey.”

I smile back. “Thanks, Mom.”

I put the mug into the sink and rinse it out.

“Do you want some breakfast?”

I stare out the kitchen window and shake my head. “I’m fine. I packed a lunch last night. I’ll eat that and a protein bar while I’m out.”

As I dry my hands, Mom stands behind me, turns me to face her, and pulls me into a hug.

“I don’t want to push you, but you’ve been… off. You’re quiet, and you’re never quiet, sweetheart. You’re also not eating as much. Just know that I’m here if you ever need to talk. ”

I hold her back, the ever-familiar comfort of her softness and the scent of laundry detergent and her lavender lotion hitting me. Getting upset is the last thing I need right now. I cough away the growing emotions and ease her off me. “I know, Mom,” is all I say.

I double-check that I have my keys, wallet, and phone before opening the fridge to pull out my lunch bag and the gallon jug of water. From the front closet, I grab my lined windbreaker.

“Gotta go. I need to be there right when the tide pulls back. Bye, Mom!”

“Bye, honey. Good luck!”

I put everything on the front passenger seat of my new silver Honda Civic .

Well, it’s a 2017, but it’s new to me since my parents gifted me the car for graduation.

I pop the trunk to make sure I have my rubber boots, a rain poncho—though the weather says it’s going to be sunny—and a towel.

Confident that I have everything, I climb in the driver’s side, start the car, and drive off toward Haystack Rock.

For my first day, I’ll take a group of tourists to explore the tidal pools until the tide starts coming in. Then we’ll wrap it up. In the afternoon, I have another group to hike with at Crescent Beach Trail to explore the woods.

I park the car and put on my windbreaker. Even though it’s summer, June is pretty mild, and it won’t get higher than sixty degrees today. Then I tug my galoshes on over my sneakers.

Once I’m ready with my clipboard, I head down toward the group waiting for me on the beach.

My stomach turns in knots, but it’s a good feeling.

I’m excited to do a job I’ve only dreamed about until now.

Getting paid to share my love of nature is the best feeling.

I’ve spent my life on these shores, and I don’t want to live anywhere else .

The morning is cold and windy, and it’ll be even colder out by the water, but the tide will be really low, allowing them to see all sorts of critters.

When I approach them, I plaster a big smile on my face. “Morning! I’m Dennis, and I’ll be your educator today. Thank you for being here.”

There are ten adults and six children, ranging in age from five to thirteen. I check off names and ensure that I keep track of everyone throughout the morning.

“So, I’d like to go over some ground rules before we get started.

This is to protect you and the wildlife.

As we explore the pools, please try to stay on the soft sand and avoid the rocks.

The rocks are covered with anemones and other animals.

They can become easily damaged if we’re not careful.

And take your time walking around the pools and be watchful of other animals, swimming or crawling. ”

When they nod, I drop the clipboard in the sand with my backpack. “Are we ready for some excitement?”

They all nod again and smile.

“Awesome! Stick close to me, and I’ll show you all sorts of marine life. When the tide starts to come in, we’ll wrap up the tour. Any questions?”

When they shake their heads, I wave them over to me. “Just follow me toward those rocks surrounding Haystack.”

When we reach the low tides, I wave everyone close.

“Please do not touch the animals, and no one is allowed to take home any live souvenirs.” I wink at them.

“But there are plenty of shops around town that sell seashells and other gifts. My mom also has a gift shop here. Sorry, I had to plug in that ad,” I chuckle, and they laugh in response.

I wave my palm over the large rock, and they circle around it. “As you can see, this rock is covered in anemones mingled with a few barnacles. If you look inside some of the barnacles, you’ll find some shellfish.”

The crowd gathers closely, inspecting the rock, looking for critters.

“I heard the green anemones can live a long time,” one of the older kids, a girl of about eleven, says.

“Yes! They can get up to a hundred years old.” Everyone ‘ awws ’ as they look closely at the little animals. “These particular ones are about forty to fifty years old.

“Wow,” someone says.

“Can someone tell me whether they’re herbivores or carnivores?”

“Carnivores!” a child yells.

“Yes! See those small tentacles?” Everyone moves in even closer to look at what I’m pointing at.

“They’re equipped with nematocysts, which sting.

They have barbs filled with toxins to paralyze and capture any prey that’s unlucky enough to get too close.

But thick-horned nudibranchs, which are a type of sea slug, are the predators of anemones.

They’re hard to find, but when you see them, you’ll know instantly what they are by the bright red spikes on their backs.

They use the nematocyst cells from the anemones on their backs for defense. Pretty cool, huh?”

I squat low. “On the same rock, you have starfish. There are tons of them, just hanging out closer to the water, and they look like they’re hugging each other.

See how beautiful they are in orange and purple?

On one rock, you can find barnacles, anemones, mussels, starfish, crabs, and more, all living together, creating an ecological balance of survival.

And, interestingly enough, each rock is different, like each one has its own unique ecology.

For example, some rocks are simply covered in mussels.

Any harm that comes to one animal can harm the others. ”

After I show them all the animals I could find, they ask me lots of questions, and the kids seem entertained and excited. It’s been fun and nice to think about nothing but animals and nature .

The water’s starting to rise, so it’s time to call it quits.

It’s been an amazing morning, and I hope I kept everyone interested. Maybe one day those kids will look back and tell their own children about what they learned about sea life.

I sit at the picnic table, overlooking the beach and rocks below, enjoying the warm sun on my skin. The tour through the park was fun, too. We ended it by making leaf prints in clay from the leaves they gathered along the trail, and could take home as souvenirs.

Now it’s quiet except for the breeze, the sounds of the ocean below, and seagulls flying around. I’m so focused on how well the day went that I don’t hear someone approaching until they sit down next to me.

My heart jolts for a minute, my brain trying to register that I’m seeing Mike.

“Hey,” I say. There’s a slight flutter in my chest.

He smiles gently and slides a white paper bag over to me. “Dinner.”

“You brought me dinner?”

“I brought us dinner. I figured you could eat. You’ve lost some weight, and I haven’t seen you eat a damn piece of candy since you’ve been back.”

I say nothing to that. I can’t, because he’s right, but I’m not ready.

Mike reaches into his worn denim jacket and drops a Ziploc bag filled with Fireballs in front of me. “Got those at the Kaleidoscope Candies shop.”

I used to live in that store as a kid. I run my hand over the baggy, hit with a memory of Geoff.

And there it is: the first sign I missed.

My eyes burn, threatening to tear up. “ God, why do you eat those disgusting things all the time? They’re shit for you, and I hate the smell.

You’re not a kid anymore, Denny. ” That was about two months before I caught him cheating.

Looking back, his words sound cruel in my head, but at the time, I felt childish, so I threw them all away.

Instead of opening the bag and pulling out a cinnamon ball, I say, “Thanks. What’s for dinner?”

Mike frowns. I know it’s directed at me for not eating the candy, but I say nothing. Then his mood shifts, and he smiles knowingly as he opens the bag and pulls out two cardboard containers and two soup containers. “Fish and chips, and some clam chowder. I got it over at Maggie’s Seafood.”

My favorite place.

“God, that’s so nice. But it’s expensive.”

Mike shrugs. “It’s not like I’m doing this every night. I just thought you’d like something nice and hearty after your first day at your dream job.”

I smile at him, loving how his long bangs blow into his face from the breeze.

He swipes them away in annoyance, but he never cuts his hair short.

I want to reach out and tuck the strands behind his ears, but I don’t dare…

for him and myself. It’s too intimate. And it’s a reminder he’ll never want me like that.

“Thanks for this.”

“You’re welcome.”

“How’d you know I’d be here?”

“When are you not here, Den?” We both chuckle because he’s not wrong. “I’m not a mind reader, though. I called your job to find out where and when you’d stop for the day.”

“Had this all planned out, eh?”

His face pinks across his cheeks to his ears. “Yeah, I just thought… ”

“It’s really nice,” I say quickly. “You’ve made a good day even better.”

He looks at me with shy blue eyes. “Yeah? Tell me how it went.”

I open the container filled with steaming clam chowder, dig my plastic spoon into it, and take a large bite, burning my tongue from the heat, but I don’t care. Maggie’s chowder is the best in town.

As we eat, I tell him all about my day and how amazing my new job is. Even better, I don’t think about Geoff or my professor even once. Mike’s calming presence puts me at ease. That, along with sitting in the best seat in the house, eating the best food in Cannon Beach.