Page 16 of It’s Only Love

I swallow, rubbing across my chest as I pass our old high school.

The idea of Dennis bringing someone special home with him causes a tightening in my chest. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling to me.

I get it whenever I think of Dennis with someone else.

As much as I try to convince myself that it’s just me being overly protective of him, I know it isn’t only that.

The idea of Dennis with another guy does something weird to me.

It steals the air right from my lungs, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d think I was jealous.

But that can’t be because that would mean that I want Dennis for myself.

In that kind of way. The intimate way. And that can’t be right.

We’re best friends, but no more than that.

Sure, he had a crush on me growing up, but that was a long time ago.

That night… that kiss happened over four years ago.

He never tried to kiss me again or share how he felt.

When I think of the night Dennis kissed me, my skin tingles in this strange way, and I feel hot.

It’s not the first time that it’s happened.

I can still feel the pressure of his lips against mine and recall how he sighed and then moaned against my mouth.

How he leaned against me, like he completely surrendered himself to the moment.

Like he’d always been waiting for that moment.

I often wonder what would’ve happened if I’d kissed him back.

If I’d allowed myself to let go and just lean into him and return the pressure.

If I’m being honest, I mostly regret that I didn’t.

For just once, I would’ve loved to feel something stirring inside me from kissing another person.

Would my heart race? Would I have moaned like Dennis?

Would I have… gotten hard ? Because whenever I kiss someone, it always feels…

wrong , like I don’t belong there with that person at that moment.

Yet, something tells me it would’ve been different with Dennis, and not only because he’s a guy.

I reach the office and leave Willow in the truck while I jog over to the large trailer where we keep most of our summer equipment.

I have a lot of tools stashed permanently in the back of my truck, but I need the power saw today.

The Hansons are having a part of their backyard laid with natural stones, and I’ll need to cut some of them to fit.

I grab the safety gear, too, and then I’m on my way out.

Back in the truck, my phone pings, and I grab it from my pocket. It’s a text from Sarah. I smile. Of course she’s up early. But I’m also slightly disappointed it’s not Dennis.

Mrs. H: You missed a wonderful graduation. Don’t be late

today. See you soon.

Jeez. She’s relentless. I know she wanted me there with them, but it would’ve just felt weird.

What if the reason Dennis didn’t reply to my messages was because he truly didn’t want me there, and he just didn’t have the heart to tell me?

Maybe he was there with someone else. A boyfriend.

Why wouldn’t he have met someone by now?

Come to think of it, I’m sure he has. The idea of Dennis still being single is ludicrous.

Who in their right mind wouldn’t want him?

You didn’t, that sneaky little voice in the back of my mind adds.

I couldn’t , I push back. Couldn’t you? Shut up !

I tap out a quick reply, telling her some bullshit about holding down the fort and that I’m never late. I almost ask her to tell Dennis I can’t wait to hug him, but change my mind.

Me: And tell Den Willow says hi.

Yeah, that’s better. Fuck, why am I like this?

Why does everything always have to be this awkward and strained?

Why can’t I just be more… I know the end of that sentence.

I know where it always ends. Because it all comes back to him.

Why can’t I be more like I am when I’m with Dennis?

I’m only truly myself whenever I’m around him.

As usual, when I’m honest with myself, I get angry.

Not just because I’m the way I am, but also because I’m afraid Dennis will eventually get tired of me and stop wanting to hang out with me.

He’ll be busy when he comes back, starting that new job.

He’s so passionate about the things he cares about.

I’m so fucking proud of him for the path he has chosen in life.

For what he wants to do in this small community of ours.

He’s someone who can make a real difference.

Someone who can change people’s lives simply by being in their presence.

Like he’s changed mine. He’s truly remarkable. And who am I? I’m no one special.

The Hansons are waiting for me as I pull up in front of their 70s bungalow, and they both head toward me as I jump out of the truck and go to let Willow out.

“Morning, Mike.” Mr. Hanson reaches out to shake my hand, grinning at Willow, who blows past him into their backyard. “You’d think that dog of yours was half greyhound,” he laughs.

I laugh too. “Maybe she thinks she is.”

Mrs. Hanson soon joins us. “Mike, you really didn’t have to come by today, you know. It’s a big day today. The Holbrooks’ youngest is coming home. You must be excited. ”

“I am, but I really don’t mind. I’ll be going over there for brunch later, but I might as well get a head start on this terrace of yours.”

“Sure, sure. Right this way.” Mr. Hanson starts walking around the back, and I follow him.

“I’ll pop out with a cup of coffee for you, Mike,” Mrs. Hanson calls after me.

“Thank you, ma’am.” I don’t know why I bother to bring Dad’s thermos because everyone always offers me coffee around here. I just like having it with me, I guess.

After going over the layout with the Hansons, I take a selfie and send it to Dennis with a quick text.

Me: You up yet, lazy pants? Can’t wait to see you!

I wait a couple of minutes, sipping my coffee, but when I don’t get a reply, I pop my phone back in my pocket.

I work for the next couple of hours, checking my phone from time to time.

I would’ve expected Dennis to have messaged me by now.

He’s usually up early for his morning run along the beach.

Maybe he slept in. Yeah, he probably did, relaxing after working his butt off in school. Or his parents are all over him.

I keep trying to explain it away, but I haven’t heard from him since before graduation. I can’t help feeling like something’s up because it’s not like Dennis to be this silent for so long.

I send him one more string of texts to see if I can make him laugh and get him to respond.

Nothing.