Page 47 of It’s Only Love

“You left from where? Sweetie, you’re not making any sense.” She guides me back to the chair and eases me down.

I wipe at the steady stream of tears trailing down my face. “The hospital. I couldn’t…” I look up at her, suddenly feeling so lost. “I couldn’t stay. I can’t do this. Not again.”

“Oh, my God,” she says, sitting down in front of me but not letting go of my hands. “Oh, my God.”

My phone starts ringing, vibrating against the table, and I almost jerk from my seat. Mom looks at it, but I shake my head frantically. She picks it up, looks at the screen, and answers the call.

“Jon. Oh my God. Is Dennis okay?” She nods a couple of times, relief coasting across her face.

“Oh, thank God. That’s good, then. Yes, I have him here.

I’ll tell him. He’s…” She looks at me, unshed tears in her eyes.

“He’ll be okay. Yes, I will. See you there.

Send Sarah my love. And thank you, Jon.” She ends the call and smiles tentatively at me .

“Dennis is going to be just fine. A mild concussion and a sprained ankle. They’re keeping him for the next 24 hours, but he’s fine.”

There’s that word again. Fine.

“I’ll make you some breakfast before you go to the hospital. Jon and Sarah are there waiting for you. Aaron’s there, too.”

“I’m not going,” I say.

“What do you mean? I’m sure Jon doesn’t expect you to go to work today. Not when Denn–” I get up in a rush, nearly tipping the chair over. “Michael!”

“I can’t do this. I’ll be in my room.” I try to move past her, but she moves in front of me, looking me dead in the eye. When she full-names me, I know I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.

“Michael Tanner, you talk to me right this minute.” She folds her arms in front of her chest, and although I tower over her by several inches, I shrink.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” I mumble.

“Of course there is. Dennis is in the hospital, and you’re trying to hide away in your room and won’t tell me why.”

“That’s what you did!” The words fly out of my mouth before I can stop them. Mom’s mouth twitches, but that’s the only sign that I’ve hit a nerve. I’ve never in my life been unkind to my mother because I love her more than anything, and regret courses through me immediately. “I mean…”

“You’re right,” she says, her gaze not leaving mine.

“I did. I hid away in my room because the truth was too hard to deal with. Life was too hard to deal with.” Her voice is unwavering, and there’s a rare fierceness in her eyes.

“But it was wrong, because I also hid from you, Michael. I left you to fend for yourself, and you were just a little boy.” She takes a step toward me, her body so close to mine.

“You were grieving, Mom. ”

“So were you.”

“I…”

“Or perhaps you weren’t. Not really, now that I think about it.

Because there was no room for your loss, was there?

” She sniffles, and her eyes are wet. She waves her hand around the kitchen.

“I don’t think there was enough room in this house for you to mourn the loss of your dad.

I took up all of it with my grief. I took the space that should’ve been yours, too.

I was so sad, so lost, but so were you.”

“It’s okay,” I cry. “He was your husband.”

“He was your father. He was everything to you. It was not okay.”

“Mom, please.”

“No. You were just a little boy. If it hadn’t been for the Holbrooks, I don’t know what would’ve happened.”

“I’m fine. Really,” I try to reassure her, but the words sound hollow even to my own ears, and I don’t think that I am fine at all. “I don’t blame you. Not for any of it.”

“I know you don’t because that’s the person you are, Michael. You’re selfless and kind, and you take care of people. You took care of me. You still do. You won’t leave this house because you won’t leave me alone in it. Isn’t that right? You take care of everyone, but who takes care of you?”

“Dennis.” His name spills from my lips like a quiet prayer as I drop to my knees, crumbling in on myself. “Dennis takes care of me,” I tell the floorboards.

Mom is right there with me, wrapping my body in a tight embrace. “Of course, he does. He loves you. And you love him.”

I shake my head, but it feels like my entire body is shaking or breaking; I can’t tell which. “I can’t. It hurts too much. What if I lose him? ”

Mom strokes my back, and we sit like that for a while in the quiet, with only the odd bird singing outside. Morning light dances across the floor, and warm rays of sunshine hit my lower back.

“You’ll be okay. Even if you lose him, you’ll be okay, sweetie,” Mom says finally.

“You’re the strongest person I know.” She sits up and pulls me with her, clasping my face in her hands.

“But you won’t lose him. Not today. He’s waiting for you.

I bet he won’t rest until you’re there with him and he can see with his own eyes that you’re okay, too.

Knowing Dennis, he’s just as worried about you as you are about him.

” She hesitates, her eyes searching my face, a few tears still clinging to her lashes.

“That boy loves you, body and soul. He always has, I think. You deserve that, Michael. More than anyone.”

“I’m afraid,” I finally admit.

“I know you are. Good things are frightening, but you deserve them. You deserve everything good in this world. You deserve to love someone and be loved back in return without being afraid.”

“I can’t go through it again. I won’t come back from it if I lose Dennis. It’s easier to just not fall in love.”

“But you already have. You already love him.” I know she’s right. I have fallen for Dennis, and even though it hurts so much right now, I wouldn’t change it. These past few weeks with him, even if I could, I wouldn’t change a thing. I just don’t know how to move forward from this.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let go of the fear of losing him. The fear of not being able to keep him. He’s my… He’s the only one who gets me, Mom.” I wince, but she just smiles. “Sorry, aside from you. I think… I think he’s my person.”

“I think he is, too.”

“It’s so hard, though. I didn’t think it would be this hard. ”

“It’s only love, Michael. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s frightening as hell, but when you find someone like Dennis or your dad, it’s worth it. It will be worth it, trust me.”

I nod, the tightness in my chest easing, giving way to another feeling. Relief. Hope, too. Mom’s words move through me, their truth settling inside me. It’s only love. “He is worth it. Dennis is worth it.”

“He is. And so are you.”

When we get up from the floor, Mom heads toward the coffeemaker.

I walk over to grab a paper towel to wipe my face and blow my nose.

My entire body is sore, and I feel like I’ve run a marathon uphill.

After I wash my hands, I go to the fridge to pull out the milk and butter, and then I pull the bread from the paper bag.

I grab a board and a knife and start slicing the bread.

“Is there any strawberry jam left?”

“There is. Check the fridge.” She pours coffee into the machine, then adds water. I pause in front of the fridge, my hand hovering in front of me.

“You said hell , Mom,” I chuckle.

“I know I did, but you’ll take that to your grave, Michael Tanner, you hear me?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I’ll make your coffee to go.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“You’re welcome, sweetie.”