Page 20 of It’s Only Love

“I know, baby girl, but he wasn’t home.” I rub behind her ear, and she leans into me. “Should we go look for him? Should we go find Den?” Her ears turn at the mention of his name.

I start the car and pull out onto the street.

I know exactly where I’m going. When Dennis wants to be by himself, there’s only one place he goes.

It was where he went when his grandma got sick and later died, and it was where he went whenever something was bugging him at school during those turbulent teenage years.

Ecola. I’m positive he went to Ecola State Park.

Over the years, we’ve gone on hikes there numerous times, but there’s one place in particular that Dennis loves.

It’s a grassy area on a cliff that overlooks the ocean.

On a clear day, you can see for miles and miles, feeling like the entire world is at your feet.

Every fiber in my body tells me that’s where I’ll find him.

And I do. Well, Willow notices him before I do, because she takes off like a little black cannonball toward a small figure all the way out on the cliff.

It rained this morning when I drove to work, but it’s cleared up since, with only a few grayish clouds skimming the horizon.

I bet it’ll be a breathtaking sunset if we stay long enough.

He’s sitting in the grass, his arms wrapped around his legs as he stares out at the water and sky. I’m finally relaxed, seeing him there, but his mom isn’t. I pull out my phone and shoot her a quick text that I found him and that he’s fine.

Willow reaches him when I’m halfway there, and slams into him from behind, nearly tumbling him over. Once he’s steadied himself, he goes to pet her, burying his face against her neck. Then, with his face still close to her head, he looks in my direction, narrowing his eyes.

“Thought I might find you here,” I call out when I’m a few feet away from him. “You checking if the ocean’s still here?” I wink, trying to make light, but the air around him feels heavy.

He shakes his head, smiling tentatively at me. “Yeah, something like that. What are you doing here, Mike?”

“I came looking for you. Heard you’d gone AWOL.”

He laughs, standing up, rubbing his hands across his now freshly shaven face, which kind of bums me out, and then buries them in the side pockets of his gray windbreaker.

Freckles bloom across the bridge of his nose and along his cheeks.

There are even a few scattered underneath his dark brown eyebrows.

“You spoke to Mom,” he groans.

“I did. She bribed me with brownies, and I volunteered as a one-man/one-dog search party.” I bump my shoulder against his, but where he would normally bump me back, or even pull me in for a side hug, he withdraws slightly.

I try not to let it get to me, but it’s hard.

The need to touch and hug him is there, just below the surface, simmering like a constant urge. “I had an ulterior motive, though.”

“Yeah?” He looks out at the ocean, with endless stretches of blues and greens, and little tips of white foam. “You never have ulterior motives, Mike. You’re like, as steady as they come.”

“I do when it comes to you,” I say, my voice a little too raspy for my liking. Shit. “They’re showing Reservoir Dogs down at the drive-in.”

“Yeah, I saw,” he says, but his voice lacks any of its usual enthusiasm at the mention of his favorite movie.

Willow whines impatiently between us, and I dig in my pocket for a small ball that I always bring with me when we take her here. She loves chasing it across the large stretch of grass leading up toward the trail. There aren’t many people here today, so I take a chance and let her roam free.

As soon as she sees the yellow tennis ball, she starts bouncing up and down, which makes Dennis laugh.

I pull back my hand and I throw it as far as I can.

She takes off, her legs pumping across the grass.

Then I turn back toward Dennis. Fuck, he looks lost. Even here, in his favorite place.

If his favorite place and favorite movie can’t bring out the old, carefree Dennis, what can?

My chest tightens, my stomach dipping. I can’t bear it when he’s not okay.

I just can’t. I curse that nameless, faceless man who hurt him.

“We don’t have to go,” I say. “To the drive-in, that is. We can stay right here.”

He nods and swallows, a glassy sheen to his brown eyes that are now almost auburn in the afternoon sun. They’re one of my favorite things about him, along with his smile, his freckles, his lean shoulders…

“Yeah, I think I’d like that, Mike. Thanks, man.”

The feeling that’s been blossoming inside since I saw him becomes too overwhelming, so I throw caution to the wind.

I take a step closer toward him and reach out to wrap my hand around his neck, and pull him against me.

At first, his body stiffens, but when I snake my other arm around his waist and hold him even tighter against me, he relaxes and sighs against my neck.

He shivers, his warm breath a succession of small puffs against my skin, and I just hold him, trailing my fingers through the short, silky hair at the nape of his neck.

He’s warm from the sun, and he smells so fucking good. He feels good too. Almost too good.

“It’s gonna be okay, Den,” I murmur against his forehead.

“Whatever it is… I promise that you’ll be okay.

” An outdrawn whimper spills from his lips, his fingers digging into my back, and it feels like he almost wants to disappear inside me.

To hide from everything. I can be that to him.

I want to be that to him. A place where he can hide and feel safe.

“Everything’s just so fucked right now, Mike,” he whispers against my neck, sniffling. “I… I don’t know how it got to be that way, but it’s just…” His voice breaks, and my heart breaks right along with it. A strange protectiveness rises inside of me as I rub his back in soothing movements.

“It’s okay. You’re okay,” I assure him. “I’m here.”

He sighs deeply, and when Willow returns with the ball, I keep him tucked against my side, my arm wrapped around his shoulders as I throw the ball with my other hand, again and again.

He smiles and pets her, rewarding her with a “good girl” every time she returns.

He seems less guarded after he admitted to me he’s not okay. After he allowed me to be here for him.

Eventually, Willow has had enough, and she collapses on the grass at our feet, her tongue lolling out, panting.

We sit down next to her, facing the ocean, the grass still slightly damp from the earlier rain.

Dennis doesn’t pull away or leave my side.

Our shoulders brush up against each other, our knees knocking together from time to time.

The sky changes before our eyes, the blue giving way to oranges and pinks, then later, a beautiful red as the ocean slowly swallows the sun.

“Breathtaking,” Dennis murmurs, his eyes bright and wide as he takes in nature’s spectacular show in front of us. It’s better than any movie. “Isn’t it stunning, Mike?”

“Yes.” I swallow, looking straight at him. “Stunning.” I’m so fucked.

“We have to go back soon.” I notice the edge of regret in his voice.

“We can stay a little longer,” I say, trailing my fingers through Willow’s soft fur.

“I don’t have my phone. I… I just left without telling anyone.”

I grin at him and ruffle his hair. “You’re good. I’ll have you back before your curfew, squirt.”

He turns, laughing at me, his eyes shining with that spark I’ve become so addicted to over the years finally back.

“Are you ever gonna quit calling me that?” He digs his front teeth into his bottom lip.

I tip my chin forward. “Never.”

“Not even when I’m ninety?”

I smile. “Especially not then.”

“You’re lucky I like you so much, Mike. Otherwise, I’d kick your ass.” He sighs, pulling his knees against his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs. His gaze is back on the ocean, and the sky is now a deep indigo.

I like you so much, too, Den, my heart echoes. More than I should, probably.