Page 18 of It’s Only Love

Corinne and Jim Ford have been a part of my life for as long as I can remember.

Jim owns a few fishing boats, supplying local restaurants, and Corinne owns a floral shop.

Their daughter Carley has always had a crush on Wes, but she’s a couple of years younger, so he’s never been interested.

But now that she’s twenty and in college, it’s another story.

I head off to eat my food in solitude, but before I’ve taken two steps, I sense him. It’s like an electric current, tugging on me. The dining room has a straight view of the front door, so I lift my head to look.

The moment I see Mike step through the front door, my breath whooshes out of me, my heart starts racing, and my eyes instantly water.

He looks so good with a light tan from working outdoors, and his light brown hair threaded with gold.

He’s beautifully awkward when he enters with his mom, hands shoved in his jeans’ pockets, not yet seeing me.

It’s then that I realize Geoff was right. I’ve always held Mike on a pedestal, but the thing is, he belongs there. I just didn’t realize how much it affected my relationship with Geoff. I really did try to do right by him, but I guess I failed.

I can’t do this. I’m not ready.

If he talks to me, I’m going to fucking lose it.

Not here. Not now. I can’t do that to Mom, who worked so hard to put this together.

I become painfully aware of all the love I still have for Mike. It never truly diminished. I only pushed him aside to move on with my life, trying to find love where I could, because he’ll never want more than friendship with me. And that hurts.

And now I feel like a failure and the worst boyfriend.

Geoff deserved my attention and time, and I didn’t give it to him.

It’s not an excuse for cheating, but I should’ve done better.

It makes the shame stab my heart even more.

I’ve always strived to do my best in everything, but I failed epically with my first boyfriend.

Not to mention the mistake of getting too personal with my professor.

What he did was wrong on so many levels, but I should’ve kept a professional distance and kept my personal problems out of it.

Instead, I opened myself to his advances, blurring the boundaries between student and professor.

If those boundaries had been clearer, maybe he wouldn’t have done what he did.

Or perhaps he’s just an asshole, and I never noticed because, apparently, I suck at picking up on fucking cues. Another reminder of my na?veté.

Before Mike sees me, I run off with my plate of food. I can’t breathe. The room is closing in on me. The conversations. The smiling faces. It’s too much. I need to eat and gather my thoughts. Talking to Mike is inevitable, so I need to get my emotions and brain in working order.

I head outside into the backyard. There are people out here, too, but they’re chatting and not paying any attention to me.

I find a spot away from everyone and sit underneath the bigleaf maple tree in the thick grass where the branches block out most of the sun.

I stretch my legs, with my plate resting on my lap, and take a bite of the mac ‘n’ cheese.

It’s as good as it always is. As I chew, I close my eyes and rest my head against the bark.

My thoughts are chaotic. It’s overwhelming how much they’re affecting my emotions. I take a shuddering breath and eat another bite, but my eyes sting as I fight it all back.

My eyes ping at the sudden rapid movement headed my way. It’s a black blur before it materializes into a dog and crashes into me, knocking the plate into the grass.

“Well, hello there, Tornado Willow!”

She wiggles her butt and dances around, making me laugh. It’s the first time I’ve laughed in days. Before I can pet her back, she jumps over my lap and starts eating my lunch.

“Back, you garbage disposal! That’s mine!”

Then it hits me like a sledgehammer. Where there’s Willow, there’s always Mike.

My breath catches when I see him with his hands shoved into his pockets, ambling his way toward me. Everything Mike does is purposeful, taking his time with care and thought. He does nothing impulsively.

A part of me wants to run to him. To have him hold me and tell me it gets better. The other part of me wants to run the other way and never look back, so Mike never sees my failures. He’s so strong and wise, whereas I’m so weak and na?ve.

How stupid of me to have a crush on someone like him. Not only is he not into guys, but he’s just so out of my fucking league.

I take a deep breath for the inevitable, then stand, and mirror him, shoving my hands into the pockets of my jeans as Willow dances around us .

As much as I want to put on a fake smile, I can’t. I just don’t have it in me. I’ve used it all up. But even if I did, Mike would probably see right through me anyway.

He stops a few feet from me, his sky-blue eyes scanning my face as if he’s trying to pluck the answers out of me as to why I’ve ghosted him.

“Hey,” I say.

“Hey.” His tone is careful, and his body looks as stiff as mine.

Fuck, he’s mad at me. I don’t blame him one bit. Another way I’ve fucked up.

“I’m sorry I haven’t responded to you. I’ve just… been going through some shit. It’s got nothing to do with you. I… blew everyone off. But it’s good now.”

His body only slightly relaxes, his eyes still trying to read into my damn soul.

“Are you though?”

“Am I what?”

“Good.”

I shrug and manage a weak smile. “Totally. I just didn’t get much sleep last night, either.”

Lies, lies, lies.

I hate myself even more.

But I can’t come clean. I’m not ready. I’m barely holding myself together as it is, feeling bits of my resolve to be steady and ‘ normal ’ slowly chip away.

I look down at Willow, still bouncing between us with a smile on her face and her tongue hanging crookedly out of her mouth. “Well, wanna get some food? Willow’s devoured mine.”

Mike chuckles. “Sure.”