Page 30 of It’s Only Love

Dennis

My carefree laughter against Mike’s chest, smelling of all things Mike, takes a turn for the worse.

There’s something about his scent and the crushing realization that he just kissed me.

He really kissed me. He wanted to kiss me.

He said he wants me. After all these years…

years of longing, desperate want, fantasies of being with him.

His care, touch, and scent combined with all the shit that’s been dumped on me is my catalyst.

My arms wrap around him, fingers digging into his strong back as my body wracks with sudden sobs.

I can stop them as much as I can stop the sun from rising.

I cling to him, hiding my face to hide my shame.

I didn’t mean to let it all out right then and there.

It’s supposed to be a happy moment, but all I can think about is finally having him, that he’s mine.

Combine that with feelings of lost years and meeting someone like Geoff, who ruined me… It’s all too much.

“Hey… what’s going on?” Mike asks me. He tries to lift me to look at him, but I bury my face deeper into him, fisting the fabric of his T-shirt .

He feels so good against me. So right. But I can’t help feeling so wrong, even after telling him my story. Perhaps more so. No matter how much he tells me it’s not my fault or how angry he gets that I was taken advantage of, I still feel crooked and disjointed.

The word ‘ unworthy ’ plays on repeat in my head.

I hate crying; I always have. To some people, it’s cathartic, but it just makes me feel worse about myself, like I’m overreacting. So many people have it worse, and I feel like I shouldn’t be this upset, or let what happened to me fester inside.

“Den, please tell me what’s wrong. Was it something I did or said? I didn’t mean to upset you. One minute we’re laughing and the next… Talk to me.”

“I don’t know,” I say, my voice muffled with my mouth pressed into his shirt.

Maybe I do know, but my mind is a swirling tornado of emotions.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what’s really bothering me, or if I’m just so overwhelmed with relief that Mike finally kissed me.

This moment should’ve been righting my wrongness, but instead, I just feel more lost than ever.

He exhales, his breath blowing through my hair, as he rests his chin on my head, his bulky arms pulling me even closer. “It’s okay. I’m here. There’s no rush.”

We hold each other like that for who knows how long.

Time doesn’t exist, like the universe is taking a pause just for us.

His heart beating against my ear is rhythmic and soothing, reminding me of the realness of it all.

That he’s really here, and he actually kissed me.

That it wasn’t one of my fantasies or a dream.

“I fucking regret dating Geoff,” I finally say.

“Not just because he cheated on me, but I feel…” Mike’s fingers gently curl through my hair, letting me get my words out without interruption.

He makes me feel… heard. “I feel cheated out of my first kiss. It should’ve been you.

You should’ve been my first. It belongs to you, and instead, he owns it when he never deserved it. ”

He sighs against me. “God, Den… I’m so, so sorry. I wish I could go back in time and remedy that. I wish I could’ve been your first, too, and instead I fucking ran.”

I wipe my damp face on his shirt and sit up straight. Mike gently cups my face, his brows knitted so low over his eyes, checking to see if I’m okay. “Forgive me,” he says before dropping his hands to rest on my hips.

“I’m not upset with you. I’m upset with myself. There’s nothing to forgive, Mike. Nothing. If I’d just waited…” I shake my head. “I could’ve saved myself a lot of agony had I waited. What’s one more year after loving you for almost ten of them? God, just thinking about the time…”

He smiles softly and brushes away some stray bangs.

“But why would you assume anything would change? I don’t fault you for trying to move on.

And talk about regrets. Look how long it took me to recognize it’s been you all along.

It’s always been you. You’re so special, Den.

No one makes me feel the way you do. I just wish I’d recognized that way sooner. ”

I look down and grab one of his hands, playing with his thick fingers. They’re so much bigger than mine. His hands are strong and made to build remarkable things. They’re calloused, showing the world how hard he works. “I’m grateful for this moment, but… I’m afraid, too.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“You,” I admit. “I’ve wanted you for so long.

Sometimes I feel like something’s wrong with me for pining over you for so long.

I’m sure most people would’ve moved on. But now that I have my chance, I worry you’ll walk away, or even worse…

” I squeeze his hand, touching him, still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he’s real.

“Even worse, you’ll re alize that being with a man isn’t for you.

I’d rather just keep you as a friend than have you… turn away.”

A fierceness moves across his face. “No, I’d never…

Den, I’m in this with you.” He curses under his breath.

“Shit, I’m not explaining this right.” He yanks his hand from mine before he’s cupping my face again.

“Ever since you got back from college, I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind.

Kissing you just now… All the doubts that I’ve lived with for so long, feeling like there was something wrong with me.

.. They’re gone now. The rightness of being here with you, like this.

” He shakes his head. “I’m not saying this doesn’t blow my mind, Den.

I know what this means. Intimacy... with a guy.

But it doesn’t scare me. Not one bit. I’m not here to treat you like some experiment.

You mean way more to me than that. You’re…

everything. I’d be a fool to walk away from you a second time. ”

I want to believe him. I know he’s not lying to me, but when things get real, there’s a chance he’ll realize he can’t do it.

If he does that, it’ll fucking wreck me.

But I also know I’ll risk my heart because it’s him, the other half of my soul.

What an idiot I’ve been, believing I could ever let him go and move on.

“Den… believe me. Trust me. I know it’s hard to trust after what you’ve been through, but—”

“Jeez, Mike. If I trust anyone in this world, it’s you.”

“Then…” Anticipation and hope, I think, wash across his face.

“Can we kiss again?” I ask, begging him with my eyes.

“God, please…” He lets out a stuttered breath.

While our first kiss tonight was more tentative, it’s like we both feel more at home for our second one.

As if we feel the need to just let go, exploring the taste and feel of the other.

It starts tender, then grows heated as we get to know each other in a new and different way.

His growing scruff chafes my skin deliciously, marking it, ensuring I’ll still feel his kiss later.

His lips are soft, and I suckle his plump bottom one.

When he opens his mouth, I waste no time swiping my tongue inside.

His fingers dig into my hips, tugging at me as my hand wraps around his neck, sliding through his silky hair, pulling him closer to me.

Moving on instinct, letting need guide us, we tilt our heads as we deepen the kiss.

Everything that’s been bothering me vanishes as I get lost in Mike’s scent and touch.

God, my heart is beating so hard and fast, my hands are clammy, and my stomach is rioting with butterflies. It’s sensory overload. My cock takes notice, swelling in my shorts.

A part of me wants to see. I want to pull away and look down to see if Mike is reacting as I am, but I don’t want to sever this connection I’ve craved for so long. I never want us to stop kissing, but I know I have to eventually.

We keep kissing as if making up for lost years. I’m brought back through time and space to the day I told him I loved him. Instead of him walking away, he kisses me back.

When we finally pull away, we’re both gasping for air, our chests heaving, our lips glistening with saliva. His face is a little red from my scruff, as I’m sure mine is, too.

This moment doesn’t fix all my broken pieces, but I feel more whole than I have for the past several months. A little bit of me has healed. Mike has always been my world. He’s sat on a pedestal for so long, and it’s always been me looking up. Now, we’re facing each other as equals.

“Do you know what else I want to do?” he asks, looking shy and ruffled, his lips a breath away, air ghosting my face.

“What?”

“I want to take you on a proper date.”

I can’t stop the smile from forming on my face. “I’d love that. ”

“Yeah?”

I nod, all out of words, because his uncertainty is just everything. It solidifies how much this means to him.

“I want to take you back to that place on the beach, and kiss you the way we should’ve so long ago.”

God, it’s like he read my mind.

“I want that, too.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

He laughs, his voice hoarse when he speaks.

“Are we doing this, Den? Are we going to make this work between us? Because I can’t think of a better person I’d rather be with than you.

I feel… As corny as it sounds, I feel complete around you.

All this time, I felt like something wasn’t right with me, then you returned, and suddenly my upside-down world was right side up.

This feels… good.” He lowers his voice to a soft murmur.

“Sorry it’s taken me so damn long to realize it. ”

I touch his face, and he leans into my palm and closes his eyes. “I think it was supposed to happen like this.”

Mike smiles, but keeps his eyes closed. “I was thinking that earlier.” Then his smile drops into a frown, and he opens his eyes to look at me, keeping his face tucked into my palm.

“This is really nice. Not just the kissing, but the touching. I guess I’m a bit…

touch-starved. I didn’t realize how much I needed this until you started doing it. ”

I feel his loneliness radiate, and I press my forehead to his. “Then we won’t stop touching.”

He breathes out a deep laugh. “I think that’s a great plan.”

I knock on my boss’s office door the next day. The high from my kiss with Mike is now gone. I can barely breathe and think straight. Mr. Hutchins called me in to talk earlier this morning. My gut is telling me that this talk will involve a firing at the end of it.

“Come in.”

I open the door, step inside, and close it behind me. I try to swallow, but I have no spit.

“Hi, Mr. Hutchins.”

My boss is a small, balding man, and he’s always been nice. “Hello, Dennis. Have a seat.”

He’s not smiling, so I know it’s going to be bad.

When I sit on the uncomfortable vinyl and metal chair, I squirm and blurt, “I’m so sorry.”

“I know you are, but…” Here we go. The horrible ‘but.’ “I have to let you go.”

My heart and stomach sink. I knew it was coming, but hearing those words makes it real. This is my dream job, and losing it after just two short months is a hard blow.

“As you know, your probationary period is ninety days. You’re not officially an employee until that time.” He sighs. “You lost a kid, Dennis.”

I find a spot on the floor to focus on and nod. “I know.”

“The parents are upset. Normally, I’d give you a second chance, but he got hurt, and you got hurt.

The boy could have gotten seriously injured, more than just a sprained ankle.

I’m sorry, but the parents have demanded that I let you go, and I have no choice but to comply.

You’re a good kid. You know your stuff and you’re bright, but… I’m sorry it’s come to this.”

I want to cry. God, I can’t fucking believe this. I don’t know what to do. There aren’t any other jobs like this at Cannon Beach. It’s not like our small town has many career options to choose from. And I’m not ready to start my program. I have no money saved for it yet, and I need more experience.

“I… understand.”

“Harper is gone, too, since she was with you that day. The boy was the responsibility of both of you.” Shit, now I feel even worse.

“Okay,” I whisper and stand. “T-thank you for the opportunity.” I try to be polite, but on the inside, I’m screaming.

When I get home, the house is still empty with everyone at work, and Aaron is doing who knows what.

I curl up in my bed, wanting to drown under my blankets.

If I wasn’t feeling unworthy before, I feel even worse now that I’ve failed at my job. This winning streak of failures I’m on is exhausting and frustrating. Or is it a losing streak?

When my phone buzzes, I know who it is without even looking at the screen. I don’t want to answer it, but I do anyway. I lift my phone from where it lies on the bed and look at Mike’s text message.

Mike: How’d it go?

Me: I’m fired.

I turn off the phone because I don’t want to talk about it, and Mike will just push me.

I shut my watering eyes. They burn as I fight the steady stream of tears. I’m so tired of feeling this way… and fucking crying.

My eyes pop open, not realizing I fell asleep. I don’t know what woke me until I feel a heavy arm wrap around me and tug me close against a warm and solid body.

Mike .

“I’m so sorry, Den,” he murmurs into my hair .

I simply nod, unable to face him, but his being here means the world to me. His palm is pressed against my chest, so I thread our fingers together and focus on his body and the comfort it exudes.

Today has made me feel like I’m in free fall, but Mike is my anchor. While he can’t fix my problems or make them go away, his mere presence is still grounding me, keeping me together.

“Thank you for being here,” I whisper.

“I’ll always be here, Den. Always.”