Page 45 of Heal You (The Study You #3)

Jan stared back at herself in the bathroom mirror, her eyes sunken from her lack of sleep.

Realistically, her sleep troubles should have been because of Phil, but they weren’t.

She missed Morgan deeply . Her laugh, that smile, the ease Jan felt around her.

She missed turning up at the bar, knowing she would be in the best of company.

But most of all, she missed the way Morgan’s arms felt wrapped around her.

When she’d left Gillian’s place a week ago, she hadn’t known what the next step would be.

All she knew was that she needed to lock herself away at home and pray this nightmare would be over sooner rather than later.

Nothing made any sense, and most of the time during this last week, Jan felt as though she was on the outside watching her miserable life unfold.

She felt detached. She felt so far removed from the life she’d once had that she was struggling to come to terms with it…

or see a way forward. When she’d texted Morgan, she hadn’t been thinking straight.

All she saw down the line was more pain.

More judgement. More turmoil. Jan never wanted to be the woman who brought that to anyone’s life, so she’d fled.

Not very far, but to her home. The one thing she could call her own.

Gillian had called her once or twice, but it seemed she’d taken the hint after the second day of trying, and if Jan knew Finn the way she believed she did, she was probably lying low.

They were the reason she’d ever sent that message to Morgan in the first place.

If Jan had things her way, this week wouldn’t have felt so lonely.

No, she would have been making more memories with Morgan, and she would have been unapologetic as she did so.

A sudden hammering on her front door made Jan jump, a hand splayed across her chest as she took a breath.

Nobody knew she even had this place back.

Chances were, Gillian and Finn knew she was back home—Morgan had probably told them—but neither of them would bang Jan’s door down. It wasn’t their style.

She shot down the stairs wearing a hoodie Morgan had left there and pulled the front door open.

Gillian stared back at her with tears in her eyes. “I know you don’t want to see me, but if you’d sent me a text telling me to fuck off, at least I’d know you were okay.”

“How did you know I was here?”

“Morgan told Finn the night she went to the bar.” Gillian visibly swallowed. “That’s how I knew I’d really fucked up. You would have told me otherwise.”

“As you can see, I’m alive, and I’m fine.” Jan attempted to close the door, but Gillian stopped her with a hand. “Gill, please. I don’t want to speak to you or anyone else.”

“Jan, can we talk? Please?”

“I have nothing to say. Until you showed up here, I hadn’t spoken to another soul in seven days.”

Gillian regarded Jan with a faint smile and stepped over the threshold.“Let me put the kettle on, and then I’ll leave if that’s what you really want.” As Gillian placed a gentle hand on Jan’s hip, the floodgates opened. “Oh, Jan. Come on. Sit down and take a minute.”

“A minute for what?” Jan barely recognised her own voice.

“Right now, I don’t know. I just need you to sit down, and then we can talk about what’s going on.”

Jan scoffed and wiped the backs of her hands against her cheeks. “You know exactly what’s going on. Don’t try to deny it.”

Gillian lowered herself to the couch opposite Jan and hung her head.

Did she feel terrible? Jan hoped so. For so long, she had held Gillian together.

She had lain in bed with her nightly at one time, praying she wouldn’t cry herself to sleep.

Everything Jan had done…had basically been thrown back in her face.

“As you can see, I’m fine. So, you can go now.”

Gillian looked up at Jan with tears in her eyes. “You’re not fine. You’re in a terrible state, Jan.”

“I was doing good. I had this place back, and I was dating Morgan. My life was…exciting again. Something I hadn’t had for a long time.

” Jan sniffled as she plucked a tissue from the box on the side table.

“I know it was a shock to everyone, and I know I’ve kept things about my marriage from you, but I was happy, Gill.

She made me so happy without even having to try. ”

“What things about your marriage?” Gillian clasped her hands in her lap as she sat back. “If you want me to understand all of this, you need to be honest with me, love.”

Jan guessed it was time to come clean about her failing marriage. “We were in counselling. We had been since the end of last year. I felt like I was losing him and myself, and I didn’t know how to tackle it. Something just didn’t feel right. Gut instinct, I don’t know.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“Because it was my marriage, Gill. I tried to make it work, to be better, but it still wasn’t enough for him.

He was changing, and I didn’t know how to make him love me anymore.

” God, that was sad. Why should anyone put themselves in a position where they were fighting for a lost cause?

Fighting to force a love that didn’t exist anymore.

“We barely spoke to one another some days. I put it down to work and how busy he was, but I think we both know why he was falling out of love with me now, don’t we? ”

“Oh, Jan. I had no idea.”

“For the briefest time, Morgan made me forget about the humiliation he put me through. She made me feel wanted. She looked at me in a way I’m not sure Phil ever had.

” Jan closed her eyes and smiled. Even though they’d never have that again, Jan would never forget the care and support Morgan had shown to her.

The exhilaration and the laughter they’d shared.

“I just…hope she sees in herself what I saw. I hope she takes something positive away from our time together and uses it to find someone meant for her.”

“She’s…devastated.”

Jan didn’t need to hear that. She wanted people to tell her Morgan was glad to see the back of her. “Morgan will be just fine. She has so much ahead of her.”

“And you?”

“I signed the divorce papers two days ago. They were picked up by courier this morning. I don’t know what’s next for me now.

I’m going back to work; Phil has agreed to keep me on as partner, so that’s something to keep me busy.

” Jan looked around her huge living room.

“I’ve always loved this house. It was my dream from the moment we bought it.

But it feels too big for me alone. I hate the thought of putting it on the market, but…

it seems silly to stay.” Jan scoffed. “Maybe Phil will want to buy it for his new family.”

“I know I haven’t been the greatest friend to you lately, but I can’t walk out of here after seeing you like this. I just… I don’t have it in me.”

“Has Finn been looking after Morgan?” Jan found it hard to believe that Morgan was upset—or devastated, as Gillian had claimed—but if she was, she needed to know she had people there for her.

“We’re not welcome at the bar anymore. She doesn’t answer Finn’s calls. They haven’t seen one another since the night you sent Morgan the text.”

That hurt Jan’s heart. It wasn’t necessary to fall out with people, and certainly not because of Jan. “So, she’s alone?”

“I… Yes. I think so.” Gillian swapped seats and sat down beside Jan. “Finn has been trying to be there for her, but Morgan is angry with us.” Gillian took Jan’s hand and squeezed it. “I’ve been really worried about you.”

“Why?”

“Because I made a mess of our friendship. I’m scared we’ll never be the same again.” Gillian’s voice broke, but she cleared her throat and looked up at Jan. “I had no idea just how much you cared about her, Jan. You’ve kept everything so close to your chest that I had no idea what was going on.”

Jan understood from Gillian’s point of view; it was hard not to.

Perhaps this was the moment when they tried to work on their friendship.

“I do understand why you were both worried about me. Especially when I told you about Morgan. I guess I just tried to see the best in it and hoped you would, too.” Jan wrung her hands in her lap.

“Maybe if I’d spoken to you before I actually came out with the truth, this may not have happened. ”

“You had your reasons, and neither of us had any right to try to dissuade you.” Gillian curled her fingers around Jan’s shaking hand. “But we know now, so we can help you figure all of this out.”

Jan sat confused. What was there to figure out? “I’m sorry?”

“Do you miss her?” Gillian asked, a wry smile settled on her mouth. “Truthfully, do you miss her?”

“So much, Gill.” Jan swallowed down the emotion lodged in her throat and closed her eyes.

“More than anything in this world.” She had never really needed much company in life; she had friends and colleagues she spent enough time with.

But she couldn’t describe or understand the feeling she had when she thought about Morgan.

She couldn’t process any of this because it had all ended so suddenly.

To know now that Morgan was equally as upset…

That surely meant something. Was this Jan’s chance to make it right with her? “I don’t know what to do.”

Gillian turned side-on and studied Jan’s face. “About what, love?”

“About Morgan. About any of this.” Jan didn’t want people to meddle in her life or Morgan’s life anymore. She just wanted to move on with whatever the hell was about to come for her. “I fear I’ve ruined it with her.”

“I don’t think you have. She knows you’re going through a lot, and I know she understands that your life is up in the air.”

“You don’t even like her.” Jan snorted. “I don’t know why you care if I see her again or not.”

“God, I wish people would stop saying that. I don’t dislike her. I don’t hate her. When I met Finn, I was wary of her, that’s all. I guess she sensed that, and we’ve just never tried to get to know one another.”

“She means a lot to me, Gill.”

“I know.” Gillian wrapped an arm around Jan and rested her head on Jan’s shoulder. “Now you have to decide what your next move is.”

“I don’t follow.”

“With Morgan. This surely isn’t the end. If Finn and I could make it work, then you two can surely figure it out.”

“People will talk. I don’t want my life to be that way.

I don’t want to be the topic of conversation.

I just…want to be happy.” Of all the things Jan could have said, she hadn’t expected that.

She couldn’t care less about other people, and deep down, she never had.

If Jan was happy, that was what mattered.

“Fuck them.” Gillian nudged Jan’s shoulder and smiled. “If you want her, then you go and get her.”

Could Jan do that? Walk into the bar and demand Morgan give Jan another chance?

They hadn’t gone their separate ways on bad terms, but Jan still should have gone to Morgan and spoken to her before now.

Told her the reasons for Jan needing space.

Instead, she had left Morgan to fend for herself while expecting Finn to be the one to pick up the pieces.

“Am I out of my mind?” Jan swallowed as she gazed back at Gillian. Before she’d asked Morgan for space, it didn’t feel that way, but now…now, Jan was doubting herself.

“Not at all.”

“That’s why I texted her, you know. Because that’s how it felt when I left your place that afternoon. As though you were accusing me of being crazy. That it was ridiculous to think I could date her.”

Gillian shook her head and sighed. “I could have handled it all so much better than I did. But I’m sitting here right now telling you that you have my support. I just want you to be happy, Jan. If Morgan makes you happy, then you should see where it goes.”

“It’s been so long since I’ve been with a woman, but the moment I kissed her, I knew it was what I wanted.”

“I’m sorry…what? You’ve been with a woman before?”

Jan waved a hand and got to her feet. “It was back in university. It…was a lifetime ago.”

“University?” Gillian almost shrieked as she said that. “Who?”

“Antonia.”

Gillian’s brows rose. “God, I’m finding out a lot of things about my best friend lately. Shacking up with the local bartender, going to Spain with her, being with women in the past. I feel like I don’t know you anymore.”

Jan winced as she turned around and eyed Gillian from the other side of the room.

“Sorry I didn’t tell you about Spain. Everything was happening really fast, and I didn’t want what ultimately happened to happen sooner than it did.

I just wanted to enjoy being with her while nobody knew. Less pressure and all that.”

“How was it over there with her?”

Jan smiled. “I can’t describe it.”

“That good?” Gillian lifted a brow.

“Far better than good.” Jan turned to the mirror on the wall, disappointed by the state she was in.

If she was going to see Morgan again, she really had to book an appointment at the salon.

“When I’m with her, nothing else matters, Gill.

Phil doesn’t exist in my head, and I just feel calm. Almost…loved.”

“Then you know what you have to do. You have to go and see her, Jan.”

“I know, and I will. I just need to get my head straight, and then I’ll go to the bar. I need a few days, a week at the most. Maybe if I go back to work and get into my routine again, everything will be clearer. Right now, I don’t think I’d know what to say to her.”

Gillian nodded and crossed her legs. “That sounds like a sensible idea.”

Not wanting to dive too deep into her own mind, Jan pulled her shoulders back and searched Gillian’s eyes.

Whenever they had a dilemma between them, Gillian’s face gave her away.

But in this moment, she was a picture of calm…

a calm that Jan was going to hold onto. “I guess I should start making myself look and feel a little more presentable then.”

“Shush. You’re gorgeous even when you’re having a meltdown.”

Jan flopped down beside Gillian and laid her head against Gillian’s shoulder. She allowed herself a moment to breathe, to…stop panicking about everything, and then she laughed. “Who would have thought us two would be striking up mind-blowing relationships with women in our forties!”

Gillian snorted. “If Morgan is anything like Finn, I know exactly what you’re in for.” She pressed a kiss to Jan’s hair and drew back. “I hope to God you’re going to wash that mane before you even think about going to the bar!”

“I will. Don’t worry.” Jan closed her eyes and enjoyed the silence. While she hadn’t wanted to come face-to-face with Gillian today, she was glad she had. “Five minutes of peace and quiet before you have me run ragged again.”

Gillian sighed. “Five minutes.”