Page 15 of Heal You (The Study You #3)

Dreading this conversation, Jan walked into the coffee shop where she was meeting Gillian and kept her head down.

She needed another moment or two before she revealed her terrible secret, and right now, she was glad Gillian hadn’t been available the day Jan had called.

It meant Jan had given herself more time to process everything.

By allowing herself that time, Jan no longer felt as though she would burst into tears the moment she laid eyes on Gillian.

As Jan looked up and scanned the room, she saw Gillian sitting with her back to the entrance.

She quickly slipped off into the bathroom and stared back at herself in the mirror.

Jan didn’t know how honest she planned to be today, but she didn’t believe she could come clean about Morgan just yet.

Gillian would have a thousand questions, and Jan wasn’t prepared for them.

Of course it would be confusing for Gillian and likely everyone else, but Jan wasn’t confused by the fact she had slept with Morgan.

She also couldn’t regret it. Because in that moment, as well as before and after, Jan had felt wanted.

You’re almost fifty. Grow up!

Had Jan been so concerned about what she felt within herself that she’d thrown caution to the wind that night?

Perhaps. Had she wanted to feel some kind of emotion that hadn’t been caused by Phil?

One hundred percent. Regardless of the reasons why Jan didn’t stop Morgan that night, it had been exactly what she needed at the time.

Something that would help her to detach from everything swimming around in her head.

Something…that made her feel and think and appreciate what she did have left.

And right now, that was a heart. Jan didn’t know how it was still functioning, but it was, and that was what she would cling to whenever life felt rough in the coming weeks and months.

She checked her makeup in the mirror, took her handbag from beside the sink, and made her way back out into the coffee shop.

As she put on her best smile, Gillian turned around when the doorbell jingled, and someone else stepped inside.

Jan lifted a hand and waved, then weaved through the small number of tables dotted about.

“Hi, love.” Gillian stood up and embraced Jan. “I was wondering if you were going to cancel. You’re never late.”

Jan smiled as she took a seat. “Sorry, it’s been a bit manic lately.”

“Why? You’re always on the ball. It’s not like you to be stressed out. That’s usually reserved for me.” Gillian grinned, but it quickly faded when Jan just stared back at her. “Jan, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know where to begin…”

“You look tired.” Gillian reached a hand across the table and settled it over Jan’s. “Let me order you coffee, and then we’ll have a good talk.”

Jan spied the glasses of water on their table.

“I’m okay with water for now. I’ve already drank five coffees, and it’s barely one in the afternoon.

” The worry in Gillian was evident on her face.

Jan would put her out of her misery soon enough; she just had to find the right words.

“I…” Jan shook her head and managed a feeble laugh. “I’m divorcing Phil.”

The cup of coffee Gillian had just lifted from the table froze in mid-air, her brows drawn. “I’m sorry?”

“Phil. My husband. I’m divorcing him.”

“Yes, love, I know who Phil is.” Gillian sat back in her chair. “I don’t understand why.”

“Because he’s been seeing someone else, Gill.”

Gillian lowered her coffee cup to the saucer with a clatter, prompting the people at the table next to them to look over their shoulders. But Gillian’s stare didn’t waver. She was almost burning a hole through Jan.

“Yes, I had the same reaction. Give it a minute, and the shock will wear off.”

“And then what will I be left with?” Gillian asked, her lips barely moving.

“Anger. Disappointment. I don’t know. He wasn’t your husband.”

“You’re right, he wasn’t. But having been through this, I have to wonder if I’ll feel as sick to my stomach as I did with Dave or if something new will happen this time around.” Gillian sighed and lowered her gaze. “No, I still feel sick to my stomach.”

“I’ll…be okay,” Jan said, catching herself before her voice broke. “I just have to find my feet, and everything will be okay.”

“How can you be so calm about this?” Gillian perched her elbows on the edge of the table and leaned in. “Seriously?”

“Because I’ve spent the last ten days or so crying.

Because it’s not going to change anything.

Because I’m tired of feeling empty and lonely and unsure about where I go from here.

If I lie to myself and say that everything will be okay, then surely it has to come true at some point.

” Though Jan hadn’t expected it, that initial feeling of not knowing what to do was wearing off. She had Morgan to thank for that.

“Ten days? You’ve known about this for ten days? ”

“Mm.” Jan lifted her glass of water and sipped it. Maybe it would force the emotion back down her throat.

“Why are you only just telling me about this now? When Dave fucked me over, you were there from the moment I found out.”

“I called. Finn answered. You were…busy.” Jan didn’t want to make Gillian feel bad, but she knew it was coming. Gillian had always been very good at punishing herself about the slightest of things.

And then Gillian lowered her head and sighed. Just as Jan had expected. “I’m so sorry.”

“Gill, it’s fine. You and Finn have a life together. I don’t expect you to be there for me the way I was there for you. Phil was out of the country at the time, and you were on my doorstep beside yourself. Life is just different for us now, and that’s okay.”

“No, it’s not okay. I’m your best friend, Jan. I should have been there for you from the second you knew the truth.” Gillian reached out and squeezed Jan’s hand. “I’m sorry, and it’ll never happen again. Anything you need, I’m here for you.”

“Please, don’t worry about me. He’s been fucking someone else, I know now, and all I can do is put one foot in front of the other until life moves on. I have no job and no home, but…I have my sanity. That’s something, right?”

“No job and no home? Please tell me you didn’t leave the house.”

“I couldn’t be there. He’s there, and I can’t even look at him, Gill. He’s been fucking one of our colleagues. I just…I had to get my things together and get out. As for the job, well, like I said…it was one of our colleagues.”

“ He needs to leave. He’s the one who caused all of this.”

Jan shook her head. “I’m staying at a hotel, and I’m quite happy there until I decide what’s next. I need space, space away from the home we’ve shared for so long, and then I’ll figure something out.”

“No, you’re not staying at a hotel.” Gillian held up a hand and scoffed. “You’ll stay with me and Finn. It’s simple.”

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to stay with you, Gill.

I love you and Finn so much, but I can’t be around you both at the minute.

Not at home, anyway.” Jan sounded jealous and bitchy for saying that, she knew she did, but she couldn’t spend her evenings watching Gillian and Finn snuggled on the couch.

It just wasn’t the right time for her at the minute. “You understand, right?”

Gillian nodded slowly. “I guess so.”

“Good.”

“I feel terrible.” Gillian sniffled as she lifted a napkin and dabbed it beneath her eyes. “You’ve been dealing with all of this on your own, and now you have nowhere to live.”

“Hey. I’ll be okay. I know I will.”

“But you should have the support of your best friend. My wife, too. I don’t want you to live out of a suitcase and sit alone at night wondering what to do next. You should be surrounded by people who love and care about you.”

“And I will be, eventually.” Jan appreciated that Gillian wanted to offer the same support she’d received from Jan when she left her own husband, but Jan wasn’t entirely alone.

She had Morgan. Oh, Morgan . She somehow managed to suppress a smirk, choosing to look down at her hand in her lap while she pushed Morgan from her mind.

“Please, Gill. Understand from my point of view, and just let me process this the way I know I need to.”

“Okay.” Gillian clenched her hands into fists as she lowered them to the table slowly. “But if I see him, don’t expect me to be quiet about this. I’ll tell him exactly what I think of him. The disgusting prick!”

Jan turned her watch towards herself and sighed. “I don’t really have long. I need to go to the house and collect some more things. Phil will be home in the next couple of hours, and I’d like to do it before then.”

“I’ll come with you.” Gillian pushed her seat back, but Jan held up her hands. “What?”

“I’m going alone. I’ll be okay.”

“Why won’t you let me help you through this, Jan? Is it because you called, and I wasn’t available?”

“God, no. Not at all.” Jan rose to her feet and held out her arms. Once they were hugging one another, the weight of the morning falling from Jan’s shoulders, she sighed. “But you won’t always be around for me, and I need to stand on my own two feet. Just…do something for me?”

“Anything.” Gillian drew back and searched Jan’s eyes.

“Go home and tell Finn how much you love her. Be with one another and just love, okay? What you two have is rare.” Jan had thought her love with Phil had been rare at one time, but seeing Gillian and Finn together…

That was true love. Would Jan ever find that again?

Probably not. She’d always been a firm believer in finding the one meant for you.

Unfortunately, she had a feeling Phil had been her one. What a depressing thought .

“When Finn finds out about this, she’s going to hit the roof. She always thought so highly of Phil, especially when he helped us out with the cameras.” Gillian’s face suddenly fell. “Then there was the wedding and the first-class tickets.”