Page 53

PRESENT DAY

Julian’s phone: This is Ori :D:D:D

Ori: Have you heard anything about Nicholas this morning?

Kai: Theo just said that his dr is supposed to come in soon, he’ll probably be discharged today.

Ori: GOOD :D:D:D how did yesterday go?

Kai: Fine.

Ori: People usually only say fine like that when things aren’t actually fine…

Kai: No, it really was fine. We talked.

Ori: Think things will be better now? For you?

Kai: Maybe. Yeah. Probably. It’s weird, but I guess I’m starting to feel okay about it.

Kai: Fucking closure, apparently it’s as great as people say it is.

Ori: What about Atticus?

Ori: Sorry I missed your call yesterday, I think I lost my phone

Kai: It’s ok, Julian was weirdly helpful

Ori: :D:D:D

Ori: He is great :D

Ori: Don’t avoid my question :D

Kai: I haven’t really talked to him yet.

Ori: But you ARE going to talk??

Kai: Yes…

Ori: You don’t need to be nervous! I talked to him yesterday and he still loves you!!!!

Ori: Julian said I probably wasn’t supposed to tell you that

Ori: D:

Kai: Was he still upset?

Ori: Yeah

Ori: Sad upset not mad upse t

Kai: I need to go apologize to him.

Ori: You both do

Ori: But then it will all be ok and you can finally be boyfriends :D:D:D

Kai: We’ll see.

Kai: I’m still scared Ori. I didn’t plan for any of this.

Ori: Sometimes the scary stuff is worth it though

Ori: You’ve already gotten through all the worst parts

Ori: You did that all by yourself

Ori: But now you’ve got attie to help you get through this part

Ori: And it won’t be as scary because he’s not scared of anything :D

Ori: Well actually I think he’s scared right now but you can fix that easy

Ori: You’ve got this kai :D:D

Kai: Thanks Ori, I hope you’re right.

Kai sat against his headboard, knees pulled up to his chest, hands tangled in the sleeves of his hoodie. The sun had only just begun to peak through his blinds, settling soft stripes of light across his bedroom.

It was far too early for him to be awake. He had never been an early riser, had always been one to stay up all night instead. But one week with Atticus had him falling asleep earlier than usual, and he woke without an alarm right alongside the rising sun.

Kai tugged at one of his sleeves, getting a better grip on it. His knuckles burned from how hard he gripped the fabric. His heart was beating steady and loud in his chest, a thumping rhythm to accompany the train of his thoughts.

One day, one night, and it felt as though everything had changed.

Just like that night a year prior, Kai felt as though he were waking up to a whole new life. The white-knuckled grip on his shirt mirrored the way he had tried to cling to the past, a desperate fear of what the future might hold.

Only this time… he didn’t quite feel as desperate. He wasn’t held by that same fear, no longer felt it hovering over him waiting to strike.

It was funny how quickly things could come into focus. How events could fall into place, a puzzle that he’d only had to stand back and watch take form. Clarity washed over him like fresh rain, clearing out the fog and leaving the sun shining through the droplets.

Atticus had accused Kai of still being hung up on Nicholas. If their fight had happened just a week earlier, Kai would have agreed with him. But in that moment, when the two of them had been flinging words back and forth that neither of them meant, Kai hadn’t been thinking of Nicholas at all.

Maybe it had been the awful phone call with Theo. Maybe that had been when Kai had finally begun to let go. But he didn’t think so.

Kai thought that maybe he had begun to let go six months earlier.

On a night when he’d felt more like himself than he had in so long.

On a night when he’d begun to see himself as someone who could still be .

Someone who could exist outside of his painful, sharp parts.

Someone who could exist along with them.

He could still see Atticus’ face from that night so clearly. Bleach-blonde hair windblown across his forehead, nose and cheeks a little pink from the cold and maybe something more. A smile that lit his sky blue eyes the moment they picked Kai out of the crowd.

Atticus had been a constant in his life since that moment.

And with the closure that Kai had gained the prior evening, finally, finally having the conversation with Nicholas that he should have had the night things had ended between them, Kai felt like the final puzzle piece had fallen into place.

He felt washed clean in the rain. All of the broken parts were still there, still threatening to stab and slice at a moment’s notice.

But he could see them all clearly, could see the way they were ready and waiting to be stitched back together.

One night, and everything had changed once again.

Kai’s gut churned. It was still terrifying .

He knew what he wanted, what he needed to do.

But he knew that he was standing at another crossroads.

It was so much easier to just sit down and curl up, to hide from ever making a decision, from ever moving forward.

But as he looked at the road, he knew what he was going to choose the moment he’d screwed his courage up enough.

The path wasn’t dark and unknowable like last time.

It was bright, and he wouldn’t be taking it alone.

The sun had yet to rise fully, the sky a dark cobalt fading into the most brilliant orange as Kai grabbed the package he’d ordered two days earlier, when Atticus’ attention had been too caught up in the end of Trigun to notice what he was doing, and left his house.

Theo: He’s being discharged later today

Kai: Good, I’m glad.

Kai: Maybe we can get lunch next time Ori’s in town .

Theo: That would be great. Thanks, again Kai.

“You miss him, don’t you?”

Atticus watched the kitten flick her tail at his question, her eyes wide and knowing and possibly staring into his soul. She sat crouched at the edge of the kitchen countertop. He reached out a hand tentatively, running it along her soft fur, smiling as she leaned up into his touch.

She hadn’t been acting quite the same. Atticus had found her several times in Kai’s room over the last twenty-four hours. Kai’s room. He should probably stop thinking about it as that.

He felt a now-familiar twisting in his chest, and forced himself to remember the conversation he’d had with Ori the day before. Forced himself to remember that Kai was his friend, regardless of anything else.

It was strange to think about how all it had taken was one night, months ago, for Atticus’ whole world to turn on its head. One night with Kai, and he’d seen so clearly what he wanted. Had seen a life he had never really considered for himself before.

Kai made him want to be more . Made him want to be steady. He had pulled at Atticus’ softer side, ripped away his masks. Atticus’ life was better for knowing him, even as just a friend.

The soft chime of the dryer finishing its cycle sounded out through the house. Atticus noted it absent-mindedly. He would need to fold the clothes before they wrinkled. He sort of dreaded it, knowing that his old Cats hoodie was mixed into the load.

He hadn’t been able to help himself the night before, slipping the hoodie over his head in lieu of one of the t-shirts he normally slept in if he wore any sort of shirt to bed. It was just a bit too small, but he hadn’t cared as he’d crawled into bed. Surrounded by Kai’s scent, he’d fallen asleep.

Unfortunately, Atticus ran hot at night.

He woke that morning drenched in sweat. It had been unavoidable then.

He’d had to wash the hoodie. His caveman brain was still sad about it, knowing it would just smell like fresh laundry when he folded it later, knowing that it would no longer have that distinctly Kai smell.

Kai would definitely roll his eyes if he knew Atticus had been sniffing his clothes.

Atticus chuckled at the thought as he walked over to the cabinet to grab a coffee mug, wishing the scene were playing out right then.

He knew Ori had said to just give Kai time. And Atticus agreed, he agreed that he needed to just let Kai do things at his own pace, especially considering everything that was happening with Nicholas.

But Atticus wanted to apologize. Properly, not in a text message. That didn’t count.

He paused at the open cabinet, concentrating hard on his mug options. He hesitated, wanting to take the maroon one. The one Kai had gotten for him. It felt wrong. They should be using the mugs together. He settled on an old, chipped one that Sammie had brought him from the brewery.

Maybe he should just go over to Kai’s. He could grab them some breakfast, since Atticus knew Kai didn’t like to cook and figured that his kitchen was probably empty anyway after a week of being away from home. Yeah, Atticus could grab them something to eat, and they could talk.

He could apologize. Could tell Kai that he could have all the time he needed. Because Atticus was pretty sure that, except for his moment of panic the morning before, he would wait the rest of his life if that’s what Kai needed him to do.

Atticus thought through his plan a few more times as he downed his coffee, could feel the tight grip on his chest twisting into something that didn’t feel quite as bad. Something more like excitement.

He rinsed his coffee mug out, double-checked that the kitten still had plenty of water in her bowl, and headed toward his front door. The sun was shining in fully through his windows, setting a golden light across the room that warmed his skin, warmed him all the way to the bone.

Maybe he should text Kai first? Of course, then he would risk being told not to come, but it was probably the right thing to do. Atticus pulled out his phone as he slipped his shoes on, typing out a quick message one-handed as he yanked the door open.

He looked up to see Kai standing on his front porch.