Page 48

It was the same as before. Nicholas, good and strong, always willing to talk things out. Kai, incapable of matching him, no matter if he wanted to. It was a physical response that he would do anything to leave behind, anything to break free from.

One shaking breath, then another.

Kai remembered how Atticus had looked at him that morning. It felt so far away now, something that had happened in a different lifetime. Atticus, words and eyes pleading for Kai to stay, for Kai to just talk to him.

Kai wished he had.

“I never gave us a chance to say anything,” Kai said softly, the words too big and oh so painful to push out.

But once they had left him… something shifted.

A weight slipping away, through a door that had long seemed locked closed.

Impulse had him tangling his fingers together as he lowered his legs from the chair, settling his feet on the floor to further ground himself. Nicholas shook his head.

“It’s not exactly abnormal for someone to cut an ex out of their life. You had every right to never speak to me again. You still do. ”

That jabbed at him. It still hurt, that loss. The idea that Nicholas wasn’t a part of his life anymore, that they both knew it would most likely always be that way between them. But even more so, it confused him.

Was he going to let Nicholas back in? Kai felt as if his entire perspective had shifted in those few seconds he’d spent on the phone with Theo before rushing to the hospital.

He could have lost Nicholas in a wholly different way, in a way they truly never could have come back from.

But that didn’t make the hurt disappear.

That didn’t change the fact that Nicholas had upended Kai’s entire life in a way that left him irreparably shattered.

“I thought about you every day,” Nicholas said softly, pulling Kai back to their conversation. “I knew what I was doing when I ended things, but a part of me had hoped that we could still be friends. I never let go of that hope.”

Kai could see it there, in those beautiful, sad eyes. The hope that maybe there was still a chance. It brought back words that Kai had stored away, had kept as a hidden treasure in the back of his mind.

You’re a part of me, of who I am. You’re there in every decision I make. You’re my best friend, just because we’re together less doesn’t mean I’ll ever forget about you.

Words spoken by a young boy that Kai had already loved with his whole heart. Words that had haunted him over their years apart, when they’d rang so untrue.

And there was the crux of the issue. For Kai, it had never been about friendship. For so, so long, it had been about something… not more. Something else entirely.

The same realization that had been buffeting him for the last year poked at him again. Nicholas had never loved Kai as much as Kai had loved him. For some reason, it stung less this time. A slight discomfort, so different from the rending ache that had torn him to shreds for so long .

It hurt less, so much so that Kai couldn’t help but wonder if what Nicholas was asking for really was so impossible.

Even still, the pain had been real. So real that Kai hadn’t thought himself strong enough to recover.

So real that it had trapped him in a cage, the key hidden with the one person he’d least wanted to see.

Kai felt like he was fighting a war within himself. His hand clenched into fists.

“You hurt me.” The things he had held in for so long finally spilled from his lips, and oh, their release was a freedom Kai hadn’t known he desperately needed. “You took everything from me. Our whole life disappeared, and I had to watch you move on, with our friend , as though it meant nothing.”

Nicholas finally looked away, as if he couldn’t handle the weight of Kai’s stare, the weight of his words. He took a steadying breath before looking back. “I know.”

“I’m still so angry,” Kai continued. He was letting it all loose, a train speeding off the tracks, barreling through every wall he had constructed to hide himself away.

The words that had always eluded him fell freely from his lips, and Kai felt unshackled in a way he never had before.

“It still hurts so much, and the worst part is that I…”

A lump rose in Kai’s throat, forcing him to pause. He swallowed dryly, clenching his jaw and sucking in a sharp breath through his nose before he could continue.

“The worst part is that I miss you. I can’t stop missing you.

I’ve tried and I’ve tried but I just can’t do it.

I miss how easy things seemed, even though I know they weren’t, not for a long time.

I miss the routine, I miss always knowing what to expect.

I miss our group. It was always just the four of us against the world, but you shattered that. You and Theo both did.”

Kai felt wetness on his cheeks, mirroring the silent tears he watched fall from Nicholas’ eyes. But it was good, it was right . The cage Kai had finally freed himself from slammed shut behind him, and he would be damned if he ever let himself be caught by it again.

“It can’t be the same, Nicky,” he finally continued. “It can never be the same.”

Because sometimes things ended. Sometimes they found their conclusion, natural or not.

And that didn’t take away the beauty of what they were, what they had been at their brightest times.

It only served to make them all the more special, even if they only lasted for a brief moment.

Even if losing them hurt like nothing else.

Kai’s chest felt tight, his words threatening to hide from him again as he came down from the high of his little speech. He wiped at his eyes, forcing down a sob. “It won’t be the same. It can’t be.” For more reasons than his oldest friend was even aware of.

Nicholas shook his head, and Kai could see resignation in his eyes, a flame finally flickering out. But there was something else there, something that mirrored the newfound calm that was building within Kai.

Closure. Closure that had been long overdue for both of them.

Soft, tear-stained laughter pulled Kai’s attention back up. He looked to see Nicholas smiling gently, a familiar, teasing tilt to his lips.

“Maybe I should have gotten into a life-threatening ordeal sooner,” Nicholas said. “It finally forced us to talk.”

“Don’t say that,” Kai mumbled, even as appreciation bloomed in him at the word us .

Nicholas had always been willing to talk, had always been willing to find the closure they had so desperately needed.

Kai had been the only one holding them back from finding this precious relief.

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re okay. ”

Kai’s phone screen lit up in his lap a moment later, and he stared at it for several long heartbeats.

“Kai?”

A tentative worry laced Nicholas’ voice, but Kai couldn’t force his attention away from the message displayed on his screen.

Atticus: I heard about nicholas. Let me know if there’s anything I can do. Sorry for this morning.

It wasn’t the short, choppy sort of text Atticus usually conversed with. Reading the words, Kai pictured a puppy slinking back after being scolded. It made something squeeze tight in his chest.

“Are you okay?”

Kai finally looked up. He didn’t know what all was written across his face, but whatever it was had Nicholas raising his brows.

“It’s nothing,” Kai said, locking his phone screen. That nothing was swirling inside him, a thousand different thoughts and feelings mixing together, washing through Kai faster than he could keep up with.

“Uh huh,” Nicholas said, smirking, falling back into the persona Kai had known so well with ease. They sat in silence for several heartbeats. Kai’s eyes flicked toward his phone again, pulling a chuckle from across the room.

“Do you need to respond to it?”

Kai frowned. “It can wait.”

“Hmmm.” Nichols looked away, his gaze falling on the seat that Theo had been occupying. “Is it Mills?”

The name shot through Kai like an arrow. His silence must have been answer enough.

“You two looked good together at the party,” Nicholas continued, fixing Kai with a steady stare. “He obviously cares about you a lot. ”

“Just because I don’t want you to die, that doesn’t mean I want to talk to you about…” Kai floundered, waving his hands helplessly. Were they doing this, really? They hadn’t spoken, not really, in a year, and Nicholas wanted to talk to him about Atticus?

“Are you guys…” Nicholas let the question trail off.

Kai frowned. “I don’t know what we are.” The words were true. Kai had no idea what he was to Atticus, what he wanted to be to Atticus. It was the question that had haunted him for days, the question that had led to their fight that morning. “Right now I don’t think we’re anything.”

And maybe all of the terrible things that had happened that day were finally coming to a head, or maybe it was just leftover tears from his conversation with Nicholas, but Kai felt a tingling in his nose as his vision began to blur. He blinked hard, willing himself not to cry again.

“I think you should respond to him,” Nicholas said softly.

Kai leveled him with a hard stare, barely kept himself from slinging a harsh retort. Nicholas shrugged his uninjured shoulder.

“I’m probably overstepping,” he continued. “But you’ve never been all that good at talking about the hard stuff. You’re a whole lot better at running away from it all.” A pause, and Kai could feel a final punch coming. “Could you go a year without talking to him?”