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His phone dinged, but Kai forced himself to let the game timer finish its countdown before he backed out to the lobby and looked at Atticus' response.

Atticus: Yep, just got here

Kai: I’m online, you wanna play a round? Sammie has a pc doesn’t she?

Atticus: She does, but I’m already in this nice fluffy bed and I’m not getting up : D

Another pang of disappointment. It was becoming more and more difficult to ignore the way that even just talking to Atticus like this, casual day-to-day nonsense, was something Kai looked forward to.

If he were being honest with himself, it was something he’d looked forward to for a long time.

His mood always lifted at seeing the other man’s name on his screen.

Atticus had that effect on everybody, and Kai wasn’t immune.

But the last day had turned their steady friendship on its head. Kai had ripped away the physical boundaries he’d set so long ago, had given in to a side of himself that had wanted Atticus since the first night they’d spent together.

Now he was scared, once again. Scared of the way he couldn’t stop thinking about Atticus and what they had done. Scared that he was giving too much, giving Atticus more than he, Kai, was ready for. Scared of the way he had been thinking about them, about what it all meant.

He’d been contemplating it all day, from the moment the door had shut behind Atticus and Kai had been left with the house to himself.

Afternoon had faded to evening, and Kai had spent the entire goddamn time thinking about what all of it meant.

About what he wanted. About where whatever it was they were doing was going to lead them.

Kai chewed at the inside of his cheek, staring blankly at his computer screen. A part of him, a part that grew louder with every bright smile Atticus gave him, did want to try for something more. But giving voice to that, even just in his head?

It made Kai feel as though a rug were being ripped out from under him once again. Because it would mean everything would change, just as much as things had changed a year ago.

Another ding from his phone pulled Kai out of his thoughts. The sound finally woke up the kitten, who stretched her long legs out before leaping down from his lap.

Atticus: Plans tomorrow?

Kai: A stream in the evening. You?

Kai swiped out of the string of messages, thinking maybe he would text Ori again for advice. His gaze landed on another message chain a little further down. Kai hesitated before pulling it up.

Nicholas: Please Kai. Please just respond to me.

Kai: Leave me alone. Stop contacting me. You can’t fix this.

A swell of guilt rose in his chest. Theo’s words from their argument the day before had also been replaying in his head, over and over and over until it seemed as though they were carved into his skull.

You were friends more than anything.

A relationship that was always going to end anyway.

What if Theo was right? What if Kai had thrown away a friendship he shouldn’t have?

The thought brought those familiar feelings of grief and anger back to the surface. They were more muted than in the days and months passed. But they were still there. A lifeline that had tethered him for so long. Who would he be if he let those things go?

Because he would have to, wouldn’t he? He would have to move on, at long last, if whatever was happening with Atticus were going to actually go anywhere.

Kai couldn’t bring all of that baggage, all of those ugly and hateful parts of himself, into another relationship.

He couldn’t let his darkness dampen Atticus' light.

And that was the part that scared him most. The idea of figuring out who he was all over again, without those things.

He’d already had to rewrite himself once, had already had to upend his entire life and try to find himself in the rubble.

The pain and rage were a part of him now, the only things left tying him to the life he’d wanted with his whole heart.

Kai knew it had been so long. He knew that everyone thought it was ridiculous that he’d been stuck, that he’d been hung up on a breakup that had happened a whole year ago. He knew it wasn’t right, wasn’t healthy.

But he couldn’t find a way to fully escape the rubble.

His phone vibrated in his hand, and Kai clicked back to the message from Atticus.

Atticus: No plans, unless you wanna bleach my hair again ;)

Kai couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped him. Atticus' dumb way of flirting always did make things a little better. Like a hand stretched out, reaching down to help him up.

Kai: Only if you want your hair to fall out.

Atticus: That won’t work

Atticus: Then you’ll have nothing up there to tug on

A flush rose up Kai’s neck, and there it was again. His body reacting and leaving his brain far behind. And as much as he didn’t want Atticus to just be a distraction, didn’t want his friend to think he was ready for something he wasn’t, it was becoming more and more difficult to tell himself no.

Kai: You liked that ?

Atticus: Not as much as you seem to, but yeah :D

Atticus: Might need you to try it a few more times before I decide for sure though

Memories flooded Kai’s mind of how it had felt to have his hands in Atticus’ damp hair, to tilt his face in just the right way so as to deepen their kisses. He could feel his dick stir in his sweatpants and shifted in his chair. Were they really doing this?

Kai thought for a moment, taking his time to reply.

He’d been worried about what they would do, about how far they would go if Atticus had come home that night.

But Atticus wasn’t home. And with a screen between them, it did feel like some of the pressure was off.

Kai bit his lip as he typed out a response.

Kai: I guess you’ll have to make do with your own hands tonight

Was it too much? Had he read the conversation wrong?

Sexting wasn’t something Kai had done… ever.

Other than a few random hookups and blind dates set up through friends since the breakup, he didn’t have a whole lot of experience with any of this stuff, not really.

His cheeks felt like they were on fire as he waited for Atticus to respond.

The vibration of his phone nearly had him jumping out of his skin.

Atticus: Oh I am aware

Atticus: Believe me I am aware

Atticus: I should have just driven home

Atticus: Fuck

Atticus: Is this ok? I haven’t stopped thinking about your hands in my hair like that all da y

Kai let out a breath of relief.

Kai: It’s ok. I’ve been thinking about it too

Atticus: Oh yeah? :D

Atticus: Be specific

Kai: You’re shameless.

Atticus: Come onnnn!

Kai: The way I was able to look down at you.

Atticus: Kai

Atticus: I wanted to pull you into my lap so bad

Atticus: Have you above me telling me exactly what to do to make you feel good

The race of his heartbeat grew louder in his ears as Kai clicked his laptop shut. He pushed his chair away from the desk. Atticus always, always just said things. How was it so easy for him? How was he so confident, so comfortable in his own skin?

Kai didn’t let himself think too hard before sending off another message.

Kai: You like me telling you what to do?

Atticus: Absolutely

Atticus: Yes

Atticus: 100 %

Kai’s dick was growing harder by the second, aching for any sort of touch.

Kai: Ok then.

Kai: Send me a picture.

Fuck fuck he was pretty sure he’d just asked Atticus for a dick pic. No, Kai had definitely just asked Atticus for a dick pic.

Logically, he knew that the reason he hadn’t received an immediate response was probably because Atticus was taking said picture.

Kai couldn’t help but think that he’d gone too far, that he’d rushed because he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing or where he wanted all of this to go.

His thoughts from earlier started to crowd in again, telling him he was making a mistake and that he shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be giving this much of himself away yet.

And then the picture came through and Kai’s mind went completely blank.

On one hand, Atticus was a fucking troll.

The top half of the picture showed his best shit-eating expression, tongue out because he never could seem to be serious for pictures, eyes scrunched with mischief. One hand held his shirt up, exposing the broad expanse of his chest and his sculpted abs. Kai’s eyes followed the exposed skin lower.

On the other hand, Kai really, really wanted to be split in half by Atticus' dick.

Kai pressed a hand against his rapidly hardening cock through his pants as he stared at the bottom half of the picture.

Atticus had his fingers wrapped around himself, his cock long and hard in his hand.

Kai knew that a hand around his own cock wasn’t going to be enough tonight, not after seeing Atticus' again so clearly for the first time in six months .

Another message popped up on the screen.

Atticus: I did what you told me to :D

Atticus: Do I get something in return??

Atticus: Wait no, no pressure, you don’t have to send anything unless you want to

Atticus: Kaiiiii pls don’t leave me hanging

Kai: Hang on.

Kai thought for a few seconds before rolling his chair across the room. He grabbed the small bottle of lube that always stayed in his travel bag, hands shaking a little at the thought of what he was about to do. Turning on his front-facing camera, he mounted his phone on his desk tripod.

He readied himself as the countdown for the picture began.

“Hang on?”

Atticus didn’t mean to say the words out loud, cringing at himself. Only a thin wall separated him from his sister, so he needed to keep his mouth shut.

But what did hang on mean? Was Kai upset? Atticus had completely given up jerking himself off, too nervous that he’d messed up and crossed some line he hadn’t seen.

He shouldn’t have asked Kai for a picture. That was too much pressure.