Page 31

KAI SIPPED HIS drink- a rum and cola that was probably a little too heavy on the rum- as he hovered in the corner of the room.

The party was in full swing, as loud and raucous as the pre-season parties always tended to be. People milled about the main room, conversations overlapping with music playing in the background, filling Kai’s head in a way that made him want to curl in on himself.

He really didn’t want to be there.

Why had he let Ori talk him into coming?

He loved his friend, would take a bullet for him in an instant.

But the rest of his new team, the Wildcats, they were…

well, wild. And this sort of thing? The constant need to put on a less-than-bored expression, being drawn into small talk over and over again?

Kai could feel his pulse start to throb at his temple.

Kai couldn’t really begrudge them this last hoorah, though. Even Ori was starting to get nervous about practices starting for the upcoming season. He’d needed to let off a little steam, so Kai had given in to his pestering for a night out.

And, well… staying home hadn’t been an option.

Kai shifted, side stepping someone he didn’t recognize as they barreled past him in search of a restroom, sloshing the drink th ey held in a firm grip.

Kai frowned as the liquid barely missed splattering across his shirt.

He let his eyes scan the crowd. It wasn’t long before his gaze settled on a small group in the opposite corner of the room.

No, staying home hadn’t been an option. He felt a little of the tension leave his body as he watched Nicholas from across the crowded space.

His boyfriend was smiling, frame relaxed as he laughed at something one of Ori’s new teammates said.

Nicholas had been looking forward to this night with his friends, after weeks and weeks of overtime.

Late nights spent curled over his laptop at their small dining table, eyes straining as he typed up a proposal for a non-profit youth volleyball program aimed at underserved communities.

Unending emails looking for backers and funding.

Kai had been watching Nicholas give so much of himself to a job he loved, and a dream he wanted desperately and that he felt he needed to succeed at.

When Ori had told them about the party, had nearly begged them to come, some of the exhaustion had slipped from Nicholas' frame, and his eyes had lit up with an excitement Kai hadn’t seen in longer than he wanted to admit.

So of course Kai wasn’t going to mess up this night out. This opportunity for Nicholas to relax, to goof off with his friends, to not have to think too hard about anything.

Nicholas had seemed more than a little surprised when Kai had agreed to tag along.

Despite the fact that Kai really had been trying to make more of an effort to be social, to be a part of the sort of things Nicholas enjoyed best, it was still always assumed that he would rather just stay home.

Especially for these sorts of loud, uproarious parties that Ori and Nicholas had always enjoyed.

His eyes snagged on someone else who seemed equally out of place.

Kai watched as Theo Whittaker approached Nicholas' group. The look on his face was serious, unbothered but out of place amid the loud music and dim lighting. The tall blonde hovered just outside of the laughing group of friends, hands in his pockets. His dark green sweater emphasized the long lines of his arms and torso as he leaned in closer, Ori pulling him into the conversation. Kai watched as Nicholas noticed the final member of their old college quartet, saying something that set off another round of laughter as he slapped a hand on Theo’s shoulder.

The touch didn’t linger, Nicholas' attention immediately pulled away by another friend, but Kai didn’t miss the way Theo’s posture straightened, the way his eyes flicked to the place Nicholas had rested his hand.

The way he leaned a little, as though his body were seeking out just a bit more of Nicholas' warmth.

Kai had noticed before. Since their final months together in college, Kai had noticed the glances that lingered a beat longer, the hint of longing in Theo’s bright eyes whenever they fell on Nicholas. Kai had even brought it up before, earning a chuckle and an eye roll from his boyfriend.

“Nah,” Nicholas would always say, “there’s no way Theo has a thing for me.” A kiss pressed to Kai’s head, warm breath against his hair. “Wouldn’t matter even if he did.”

Kai knew he meant it. He didn’t doubt Nicholas' loyalty, not when he’d never given Kai a reason to. But Nicholas was wrong. Because watching from across the room, Kai could see it clear as a full moon on a cloudless night.

The look in Theo’s eyes, the small smile that formed as he watched Nicholas charm everyone with his sly grin and endless wit… Kai knew that look. He’d given it so many times himself, for years and years. And Kai knew that Theo had always been there, just off to the side, watching Nicholas.

Wanting Nicholas.

Kai’s stomach churned as he forced himself to look away, forced himself to ignore his spiraling thoughts.

He frowned down at his drink. The rum had lost its appeal, souring inside him.

Kai watched as Nicholas and Ori broke away from their group, watched as Theo’s gaze followed them until the moment they were out of sight.

He should probably go talk to Theo. They were friends too, even if Kai had never grown as close to Theo as Ori and Nicholas had.

Sure, they’d grown apart after Theo had been picked up by St. Louis a year earlier.

But they had been friends. For so long it had been Kai and Nicholas and Ori and Theo. The four of them against the world.

Kai tried to force himself to move, to take a step toward his friend. But all he could see was the look on Theo’s face as Nicholas had walked away, the longing that mirrored something deep inside of Kai that he had been ignoring for far, far too long.

A sudden need to follow after Nicholas filled him.

An ache, spreading from his chest, something possessive and harsh.

The part of Kai that had been clawing for any reassurance that he and Nicholas were okay reared its ugly head.

He finally moved, emerging from his corner of the room.

Every line of his body felt tense, his movements jerky and unsettled.

Kai was halfway across the room when he bumped into someone. His drink sloshed a little, splashing a few drops onto the person’s shirt. Hands gripped his shoulders, steadying him.

“Sorry about that!” A sunny voice, too bright for the dimly lit room. Kai looked up to see a wide smile and brilliant blue eyes that crinkled at the corners.

“Your shirt,” Kai said, pointing at the place where his drink had now soaked into the fabric. The stranger released his grip, eyes flicking away from Kai, clearly distracted as he searched the room.

“It’ll wash,” he said, waving the spill off before running that same hand through his bleached-blonde hair .

“Mills!” A voice shouted out from elsewhere in the room. Kai watched the man before him wave, his smile somehow growing even brighter.

“Sorry again,” he said, starting to move away before he paused, doing a double-take. Kai saw a flash of recognition on his face. The stranger froze, eyes going wide as he pointed a finger at the middle of Kai’s chest. “You’re-”

“Atticus! Get the fuck over here, man!”

Kai watched him flinch, watched his cheeks go a little red. “Ah,” he began, shaking his head, a knowing smile quirking up the corner of his mouth. “Don’t worry about the shirt.” A wink, and then he was gone.

The whole interaction left Kai flustered, left his mind racing to catch up to where it had been headed before he’d been distracted. He sighed, pushing his long hair back from his face.

Nicholas. He needed to get to Nicholas. Kai’s pulse ticked up at the thought, that same urgent need filling him once again.

He moved in the same direction the other men had gone.

The light of the kitchen shone bright at the end of a dim hallway, and Kai could barely make out Ori’s voice as he approached.

“St. Louis?”

Nicholas and Ori froze when Kai entered the room. They were huddled close together, voices low enough that Kai couldn’t make out anything else were saying. The three of them stood silent in the otherwise empty room.

“I wanted to pour this out,” Kai mumbled, heart in his throat pressing to choke off the words. He raised his plastic cup helplessly. Nicholas smiled, moving to grab the cup out of his hand, tossing the drink away. He seemed fine, everything about him seemed as light and cheerful as earlier.

Ori though… he never could keep his emotions off his face.

“Kai!” His voice was bright. Too bright. It rang false, and Kai nearly flinched as those big brown eyes filled with some unknown sadness trained on him.

What had they been talking about? Why was Ori upset? What was in St. Louis?

“You want something else? I’ll get it for you!” Nicholas' voice pulled Kai’s mind away from the revolving questions.

“I’m good,” Kai responded, forcing himself to look away from his friend and meet his boyfriend’s stare.

There was something there. Something in Nicholas' gaze that felt heavier than usual. A wavering confidence that Kai wasn’t used to seeing.

Something was wrong. Something was wrong enough that Nicholas needed to talk to one of his closest friends and not Kai .

“Are you okay?”

A small, nearly manic part of Kai’s brain wanted him to laugh at the question. Shouldn’t he be the one asking? Shouldn’t he be the one reaching out to steady Nicholas with gentle reassurance? Because something was wrong. Something was so clearly wrong, and Kai felt utterly lost.

“I’m good,” he repeated, continuing before he could think better of it. “My head’s starting to hurt, though. I think I’m going to get a car home.” Kai pulled his phone out of his back pocket, waving it in front of himself as though he could wave away the guilt of lying.

“Oh.” Nicholas didn’t sound surprised. Ori still stood off to the side, eyes flicking between his two friends, all pretense at hiding his worry falling away. Kai pretended he couldn’t see the way his friend’s shoulders drooped, the way he slumped back against the counter.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Nicholas asked.

Kai watched him for a moment. What if he said yes? What if he told Nicholas that he wanted him to go home with him? What if he asked what was wrong, what it was that had Ori looking at Kai like he’d just received a terminal diagnosis?

“Stay,” Kai finally said. “You’re having fun.”

And there it was again. Another flash of something sad, something pained, there and gone on Nicholas' face.

Kai knew he was making a mistake. Part of him was sure of it, as sure of it as he’d ever been about anything.

But the louder, more insistent part of him dug in its heels.

He didn’t want to be at this party anyway.

Nicholas clearly wanted to talk to their friend in private.

Kai could always ask him about it later.

He could feel himself shutting down, going silent as the panic within him refused to recede. Kai knew that even if he changed his mind, even if he did decide to stay and ask, he knew that his voice would be gone, that the words would be too heavy to make it out of him.

Strong arms pulled him in as he concentrated on his phone screen, paying for his ride home. A warm breath ruffled his hair as Nicholas pressed a kiss to the top of his head, holding Kai tight to his chest.

“Let me know when you get home,” Nicholas said softly. He didn’t let go for several long moments. Kai leaned into the embrace, one hand tangling into his boyfriend’s shirt as though it were a lifeline he couldn’t afford to let go of.

Kai nodded as Nicholas finally let go of him. He felt the absence of that familiar warmth around him acutely.

“Car’s almost here,” he managed, forcing the words out, hesitating only a moment before heading for the door.

A voice in his head was screaming for him to stop, desperate for him to turn around and demand a conversation, demand that they finally fix whatever it was that had been cracking between them for so long now.

That voice drew him up short. Kai paused on the threshold, glancing back to see Nicholas watching him intently.

Ori was trying to look at anything but the two of them .

“Nicky,” Kai said, voice soft but steadier than it had been throughout their short conversation. Because this part had always been easy for him to say. “I love you.”

Nicholas smiled, small and soft. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, but some of that sadness dissipated. Not all of it, but some. Enough that the voice in Kai quieted. Whatever it was they needed to talk about, it would keep. Nicholas needed this night out, and Kai wasn’t going to ruin it for him.

“I know,” Nicholas said after a moment. “I love you too.”

Kai left the party without turning back. His ride home was blessedly silent, no forced conversation from the driver. By the time he reached their shared apartment, Kai’s head really was starting to throb a little. He blamed the stress.

He was still awake, lying still in their bed, sleep seemingly unattainable, when Nicholas got home a few hours later. Kai pretended to be asleep, aware of the exact moment Nicholas entered their room. He could feel a weighted gaze land on him.

He was still pretending to be asleep when Nicholas slipped under the covers that he would inevitably kick off. He was still pretending to be asleep when Nicholas' breath evened out and he shifted so that his head fell between their pillows.

Kai lay awake for most of the night, replaying the moments in that kitchen again and again, dreading what it all might mean.