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The worst part? Atticus hadn’t meant a word of it. Telling Kai that he was nothing more than another of his infamous hookups, as if what had happened between them were nothing.

Now I can move on . Atticus fucking hated himself for the words. For the way he had tried to turn Kai’s grief over the past into a weapon, as if he weren’t just as guilty of being unwilling to let someone go.

He loved Kai. He had said as much aloud, had finally given voice to what he had desperately wanted his friend to know. Only to viciously act as though he hadn’t meant it, as though his feelings for Kai were fleeting and disposable.

What kind of love was that? Atticus curled himself around the hoodie, knees pulling up to his stomach, squeezing his eyes shut against fresh tears. Kai deserved so much better. He deserved someone steady, someone who didn’t fold so easily.

As much as Atticus wanted Kai to fight for him, he knew that he himself hadn’t shown that sort of resolve.

All he had done was lash out at the first sign of trouble.

He had gone back on what he had told Kai, had pushed him into a corner because Atticus was tired of waiting and had felt a moment of fear.

It had been unfair, and the other man had been well within his rights to be angry.

But still… it hurt. It hurt so much to know that Kai hadn’t been willing to fight for whatever was between them. It had been like a knife to the chest as Atticus had watched Kai leave, unwilling to talk to him. Unwilling to try to fix what they had both broken together.

Atticus felt lost as he lay there on the bed that Kai had occupied all week. He thought that maybe he could smell the soft scent of the lavender soap he had bought at the market. Remembered how it had smelled on his skin as they’d held one another the night before.

The fear that Kai truly didn’t want him was still there.

Atticus’ feelings were all so big, so overwhelming and loud, and it seemed clear that Kai’s simply…

weren’t. That Atticus felt so much more, and Kai couldn’t match him.

Couldn’t feel for Atticus what Atticus felt for him.

Because otherwise he wouldn’t have left, right?

Maybe there had been some insidious truth to Atticus’ lie about moving on. Maybe it was all for the best, maybe Atticus truly did need to finally let go.

He was pretty sure he would never be able to.

His phone suddenly rang.

He sniffled as he pulled it out of his back pocket, the hoodie still held tight in his other hand. Julian’s name was on the screen.

“Hi,” he mumbled into the phone, making no attempt to hide the tears that turned his words thick .

“WHAT DID YOU DO.”

The voice on the other end of the line was not Julian.

“Where’s your boyfriend?” Atticus asked. He really needed to grab a tissue before he dripped snot onto the bed. “I want to talk to him, not you.”

“Julian isn’t my boyfriend,” Ori blurted, his voice loud and obstinate in Atticus’ ear. “And too bad. He’s busy. Why did you tell Kai you’re done with him?”

A fresh wave of sadness crashed over him upon hearing those awful words flung back at him. Atticus finally did grab a tissue from the nightstand, blowing his nose hard as tears blurred his vision once again.

“Wait,” Ori said, his voice going a little softer. “Are you crying?”

“Ori.” Atticus’ voice cracked on his friend’s name. “I fucked up. I ruined it all.”

Ori hesitated before responding. “What happened?”

It took Atticus several deep, shaking breaths to settle himself enough to speak.

But then he told Ori everything. Everything about the last week, about the argument that had happened that morning.

Atticus was surprised to find out that Ori already knew some of what had transpired.

Surprised to find out that Kai had been telling him about their time together.

“He talks about me?”

Atticus’ question came out watery and pathetic. Ori laughed at him.

“Of course he does,” the other man said, voice more cheerful than Atticus was ready for. He frowned at the phone. He was crying, and Ori was laughing. This wasn’t exactly the pity party he had hoped for.

“He’s just not as loud about things as you are,” Ori continued.

Atticus scoffed. “But you’re wrong thinking that means you feel more than he does.

Just because his feelings are quiet doesn’t mean they’re not just as big.

” His voice turned a bit more contemplative.

“Kai feels a lot, sometimes too much, so much that it traps him, in a way. That’s why you’re good for him.

I’ve never seen anybody pull him out of himself quite the way you do. ”

Atticus let the words sink in. He guessed that Ori was probably right, that it was unfair of him to discount whatever Kai might have felt just because he didn’t show it the same way Atticus did. Just because he had needed more time after hearing Atticus say the words I love you.

“It doesn’t matter,” he finally responded, rather petulantly. His tears were finally drying, and he was beginning to settle into the self-pitying part of his sadness-cycle. “I fucked it all up and he’s never going to speak to me again.”

Ori laughed. Again.

Atticus tossed his phone across the room.

He waited several seconds before getting up to retrieve it, Ori’s tiny voice yelling from the floor.

“Did you throw your phone?” Ori was too loud, and Atticus held the phone away from his ear with a hiss. A part of him missed it though. He and Ori had gotten close over their time playing for Chicago. Practice wasn’t the same without his friend’s sunny, loud presence.

Atticus could hear another person, probably Ori’s asshole not-boyfriend that had somehow weaseled his way into Atticus’ good graces, laughing merrily in the background.

“Quit laughing at me,” Atticus said, pouting.

“Quit being dumb,” Ori said. He was definitely holding back more giggles. “You’re giving up in the first set. So you had a bad toss, get the fuck up and try again.”

“Julian told you to say that.”

“Yep!”

“I don’t know.” Atticus sighed, some of his sulkiness fading away as he tried to face the situation clearly. “Ori, I said some awful stuff to him.”

“And he said some mean things to you too.”

Atticus could hear the words clearly, as if Kai were there in the room with him still.

Isn’t that what you’ve been doing since the day we met?

Kai had twisted Atticus’ anger back around, had flipped the knife so that it was aimed directly at his heart. Had taken the thing Atticus was sort of proud of, the fact that he’d finally found someone he wanted to stick around for, and made it sound like a fault.

But only because Atticus had done it first.

“What about Nicholas?” Atticus whispered. Strangely, he thought he could practically hear the smile leave Ori’s face. His heart sank as his friend sighed into the phone.

“I’ve been trying to get Kai to move on from that mess for a year now.

” Ori’s words felt like a choking grip on Atticus’ hope, cutting it off to a dwindling flicker.

But then he continued, his voice less resigned, tinted with a smile Atticus could still picture.

“It’s been hard for him, an uphill battle the whole way.

But he’s not the same person he was a year ago.

He’s better, so much better, even if he doesn’t see it.

And, well, you played a part in getting him this far. And he told Julian this morning-”

Ori cut off. It sounded as though he had been tackled, the phone knocked out of his hand.

“Julian talked to him?” Atticus’ voice rose in a panic. “Ori, you little shit! Pick your phone up!”

He could hear the sounds of a scuffle on the other end of the line. What had Kai said to Julian?

“Atticus! So sorry,” Julian sang into the phone, “Ori isn’t so great at secrets.

We’re going to have to have a talk about that.

” He cut off, more sounds of a struggle coming through.

Julian came back to the phone, slightly out of breath.

Atticus could hear the smirk in his voice as Ori argued with him in the background. “Got to get back to practice. Bye!”

“Julian, don’t you dare hang up on me you fucking-”

Atticus didn’t finish the sentence. The line was already silent.

He dropped his phone next to him on the bed, flopping backwards. A long, slow sigh left him.

Kai had talked to Julian. About him . It had only been a handful of hours since their fight, and Kai had already reached out to someone about it.

It filled Atticus with a perverse sense of hope. Hope that maybe Kai had desperately reached out for the same reasons he had. Hope that maybe Ori was right, that it wasn’t too late for Atticus to fix things.

The timing was all wrong though. Atticus had a game that night, and needed to head to the gym soon for a team meeting and warmups. The season was starting, and he needed to be focused, regardless of the fact that his love life was in shambles.

He had invited Kai to the game. Kai had wanted to come to the game.

And despite the mess he’d made of whatever was between them, Atticus still wanted Kai there.

He wanted Kai there more than anyone else.

He’d imagined Kai watching him win, watching his team successfully kick off the season.

Imagined Kai in his arms, celebrating with him afterwards.

Atticus ran a hand through his hair, tugging it in frustration as he chewed his lip, squinting up at the ceiling.

A part of him wanted to text Kai, to ask him, beg him to still come to the game. He opened and closed their text chain several times, before chucking his phone onto the other side of the bed.

It would be best to wait. Give Kai more time to think, something that Atticus should have given him anyway. And he was thinking, that much was evident from whatever conversation he’d had with Julian. Ori had been so sure that it would all turn out okay. That Kai would give Atticus another chance.

Atticus let himself believe it, just a little, as he got up and began to get ready for the first game of the season.