Page 49

A simmering annoyance washed over Kai. Nicholas wasn’t being fair.

The situation was far from the same as their own, and he’d even said earlier that Kai had been well within his rights to cut Nicholas out of his life for so long.

And Kai hadn’t asked for his opinion. They were nowhere near ready to go back to the easy friendship they’d shared in the past. It felt like too much too suddenly, and a loud, burning part of Kai wanted to shut down the conversation, to tell Nicholas that he had, indeed, overstepped .

But the question echoed in his head like an unending, rhythmic beat. Could he go that long without speaking to Atticus?

The answer was so obvious. Since the night they’d met, since they’d first developed a friendship, Kai had talked to Atticus every day.

It wasn’t always about the important stuff.

More often than not it was to see if the other man was up for playing some game online together.

An easy camaraderie that had been like a steady thread woven into the last six months of his life.

And now, after spending a week with Atticus, after waking up to see him smiling every morning in the kitchen, after watching sleepy eyes crinkle with a goodnight at the end of every day, after all of the moments in between…

The thought of going any longer without speaking to Atticus made Kai feel as though his entire world were being ripped away.

The churning in his gut was so similar to how he’d felt a year prior, when Nicholas had left and the only future Kai had ever seen had disappeared.

What if it was happening again? What if Kai had fucked it all up, had pushed Atticus away only to lose him for good? To lose whatever possible future was out there for them?

“I can’t,” Kai whispered, the words falling from him unbidden. They were true. Kai couldn’t fathom the idea of cutting Atticus out the way he had done with Nicholas.

“Then don’t,” Nicholas said, shrugging again.

“It’s not that simple.” But wasn’t it? Julian’s words from earlier echoed through him.

Atticus is not going to move on from you. Not after one hard day.

Was he right? They had said such awful things to one another. Atticus had said he was going to move on, as if Kai had missed his chance. What if he put himself out there, tried to fix it, and lost it all anyway?

A moment from the game flashed across his vision, blocking out all else, halting his spiraling thoughts.

Atticus at the end line, readying for a serve.

Their eyes had met for the briefest of moments, but Kai’s heart had nearly stopped when Atticus had seen him sitting in the stands.

Those pretty blue eyes had gone wide, sparkling under the bright gym lights.

His smile had been tentative, questioning, maybe even a little fearful.

But it had been just for Kai, and it had been one of the most stunning things he had ever seen.

Kai clicked his phone on, pulling up the message again. He reread the words, over and over until they were a permanent image seared into his mind. Maybe this was the first step. Maybe Atticus had already taken it, and was offering a hand, waiting for Kai to grab on.

“I need to respond,” Kai said, his voice steadier than he felt. Nicholas smiled at him, his expression soft, understanding held in his gaze. Kai could feel his own face pinch as he thought hard about what to say. His fingers typed out each word slowly.

Kai: Thanks. He’s going to be okay. I’m going to stay at the hospital until some of his test results come back

Kai: I’m sorry too. Can we talk after all of this?

Anxiety coursed through Kai as he pressed send for each message. A shaky breath escaped him and he dropped his phone into his lap, staring at it wide-eyed.

He’d done his part. Put himself out there, asked for what he wanted.

Because it was what he wanted, wasn’t it?

Even if Kai didn’t know yet exactly where he wanted it all to go, didn’t know how to say what it was he was feeling toward the other man, he did know that he wasn’t willing to lose him.

He knew with a certainty that whatever hard stuff came with the conversation he’d just asked for, it would be worth it if he could keep Atticus in his life.

Kai nearly jumped out of his seat as an immediate response buzzed in his lap.

Atticus: Of course :) take all the time you need, I’ll be waiting

It was late when Kai got home. Hospitals were always draining, even without all the extra emotional labor piled on top. He only stopped to brush his teeth before dragging himself to his bedroom.

Changing into pajamas was an arduous task. Sleep tugged at him, his eyelids too heavy to hold open as he pulled clothes out of his dresser, pausing when a particular item caught his eye.

Kai pulled out his old high school team hoodie, worn and faded red fabric with his name emblazoned in black letters across the back.

It had been tainted by memories of playing with Nicholas, of always having the boy he loved ready for one of his sets, and Kai hadn’t been able to bring himself to wear it for so long.

But now, looking at… now it just seemed like any other hoodie.

He slipped it on, pulling on a matching pair of sweatpants before crawling into his bed.

Kai burrowed under the covers, curling in on himself and letting the warmth of being home soak into his bones, lulling him closer and closer to sleep.

He pulled his hands into the sleeves of the hoodie, fingers curling into the cuffs, just like how he’d longed to do all day.

It wasn’t quite right though. The fabric wasn’t as soft, the fit not as large as the one Atticus had given him.

Kai’s last thought before falling asleep was that he would need to remember to ask Atticus if he could have his hoodie back.