Page 20

Friends. Sure. Kai scoffed, the warmth of his breath trapped in the enclosure of his arms, fogging the countertop.

It was getting more and more difficult to ignore the way Atticus treated him, the way he always acted toward Kai.

Friends cared for each other, of course they did.

But with Atticus, it felt like more than just caring.

There had been fear in his eyes, as he’d helped Kai back into the bed.

And then there had been something else there, something gentle and kind and safe, when Kai had been seated next to him on the couch.

Not to mention the conversation they’d had, and the fact that Atticus hadn’t been with anyone else since they’d slept together.

It wasn’t news to Kai. It wasn’t a surprise. But it had hit different today, as they’d talked about Atticus' friends trying to hook him up with someone new. Kai had felt something wash over him, something he didn’t want to admit even to himself.

He’d been jealous. In those few moments, when he thought that maybe Atticus would take his teammate up on the offer of an introduction.

Kai had been really fucking jealous.

Another groan escaped him as he clenched his hands in his hair.

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair for Kai to be jealous of anyone else in Atticus' life. Kai had always been clear about there being nothing more between them. He’d always told himself he wasn’t ready to give Atticus, or anyone else, a chance. He’d thought he still felt that way.

But while they’d sat there, pressed so close together on Atticus' couch, a strong arm wrapped around his shoulders, Kai hadn’t once thought about Nicholas.

Hadn’t once thought about the hurt or the sad or the anger.

All he’d thought about was how it was nice, how he felt so comfortable, and how the thought of anyone else sharing a moment like that with Atticus made him want to claw their eyes out.

Kai’s phone lit up on the counter next to him. Vibrations shook through his arms as a silent call came through. He picked it up, frowning as he was knocked out of his spiraling thoughts.

A number he didn’t recognize. Kai squinted at the screen as he accepted the call.

“Hello?”

“What the fuck is your problem?”

The words were steady and harsh, a clipped British accent. Not yelling, but clearly full of rage. Kai knew that voice, but he had to ask anyway.

“Who is this?”

“Nicholas has been so patient with you, he’s tried so hard, and you can’t send him a single text that isn’t steeped in your vitriol?”

Ah.

“Theo, I don’t know why you’re calling,” Kai began. A barking laugh sounded through his speaker.

“Sure you don’t. Because it’s never you that’s the problem between the two of you, between us, is it?”

“I’m not doing this with you,” Kai said, voice grating. He could feel tension beginning to line his shoulders. He clenched his jaw hard before continuing. “I told Nicholas I don’t want to talk to him.”

Kai was about to hang up, about to maybe even throw his phone down the garbage disposal, when Theo continued .

“Are you just never going to talk to him? Never going to acknowledge that the two of you were friends? That we were all friends?”

“Nicholas and I were more than friends!” Kai was seeing red, his voice shaking with vehemence. The nails of his free hand dug into his palm sharply as he clenched his fist tight.

“But you were friends first! You were friends more than anything!”

The words slammed into Kai like a wall. His vision blurred as tears suddenly filled his eyes.

“No. Not to me we weren’t.” He didn’t know why he said it. Didn’t know why he didn’t just hang up, why he was giving Theo the opportunity to hurt him even more.

Except a part of him did know. Theo was right about one thing, they had all been friends. Kai, Nicky, Ori, Theo. A unit, a little family. One that had been shattered when Nicholas dumped Kai, only to end up with Theo a few months later. Kai hadn’t spoken to either of them since then.

There was a long pause, and Kai began to wonder if Theo had been the one to hang up, until a rough sigh sounded from the other end of the line.

“Nicholas knows he hurt you. Don’t you understand that? He’s known for the last year. Your absence in his life guarantees he could never forget how much he hurt you. How long are you going to keep punishing him for ending a relationship that was always going to end anyway?”

It was like a knife, slowly pressing in, turning the whole while. Kai closed his eyes, felt the tears slip past his lashes to fall down his cheeks.

It was always going to end anyway.

“I don’t want to talk to him.”

The other man let out a sharp tsk .

“Yeah,” Theo said, some of the venom seeping back into his voice.

“You made that clear the other night. And with the text you sent this morning. He’s been a wreck all day, you know?

The worst part is that I can’t do anything to help him.

You’re the only person who can. You’re the friend that was always supposed to be there for him.

But you refuse to, just like how you refused to ever talk to him about your breakup.

No closure for anyone. You’re the one who is holding his head under water right now.

Every time you refuse to let him up for air, you break him a little more.

And I get to watch it happen, helpless to do anything, because you aren’t my friend anymore either. ”

Kai screwed his face up, fighting to keep from sniffling, to keep from letting Theo know just how much those words hurt him. Because they did hurt, just in a different way.

There was a part of Kai, a small part that he’d always refused to acknowledge, that had always felt a small amount of shame at how much he was hurting Nicholas- and sure, Theo as well- through all of this. How much he was hurting his friends.

It was the same as it always was for Kai. He couldn’t find his voice, couldn’t force his words out. Just the same way he’d been unable to speak on the night that all of it had come to a crashing halt.

“This was something I thought I could try.” Some of the bitterness had left Theo’s voice. He almost sounded defeated. “If you ever decide you’ve had enough of hurting him, he’ll accept you back into his life with open arms. I don’t think you deserve it, but it’s not up to me, is it?”

Another wave of grief washed over Kai as the line went dead. Theo had ended the call with those final biting words.

Kai tossed his phone away as though it were burning his hand. It crashed across the counter, startling the kitten from where she was drinking from her water bowl all the way across the room.

He pressed his palms against his eyes, a small sob breaking past his defenses. All of it threatened to crash back down on him. All of the hurt, all of the pain. Mostly the anger. The anger that he held to the tightest. The anger that had kept him tethered for so long. Anchored him in place.

He felt that anger once again as his mind replayed everything Theo had said to him. Theo. The man Nicholas had moved on to after destroying the life he’d built with Kai. The man Kai had considered a friend, someone he’d never thought could hurt him like this.

You were friends more than anything.

A relationship that was always going to end anyway.

Kai wanted to scream, he wanted to beat his fists against the hard surface of the counter until he couldn’t feel anymore. Until he couldn’t feel any of it.

Every time he thought he’d escaped, something dragged him back down. That anchor, there again, but this time pulling him under and refusing to set him free. His chest felt tight as he swiped at his cheeks.

He didn’t want Atticus to see him like this. Didn’t want to show just how broken he truly was. How he was so full of shattered glass, of angry, sharp edges that would shred and tear anyone who got close. Edges that ripped him open from the inside, never letting him fully heal.

Kai worked to slow his breathing as he made his way to the bathroom. He let cold water run from the tap for several long moments, staring at his reddened eyes and blotchy cheeks.

Fuck. He looked awful.

He splashed the water on his face, barely aware of the stinging chill against his flushed skin.

Keys jangled at the front door.

“Shit. Shit. ” Kai braced himself on the sink, letting the cold water drip from his chin. This would be the second time that day that Atticus had found him a wreck .

“Kai,” Atticus' voice rang out as the front door clicked shut. “You still working?”

“No.” His voice sounded unsteady even to his own ears. Kai hoped it wasn’t noticeable. Footsteps echoed as Atticus made his way through the house.

“Hey,” he said, stepping into the doorway of the bathroom. “What’s wrong? Are you sick again?”

Kai squeezed his eyes shut. “No,” he said, voice soft. “It’s not my head.”

“Did something happen?” He couldn’t see Atticus' face, but he could picture it. The wide-eyed concern that was sure to be written across his features.

“Um,” Kai tried. He couldn’t talk about it with Atticus. He didn’t want to talk about it with Atticus.

“Was it Nicholas?”

Of course he knew. What else could turn Kai into such a shell of himself? Of course Atticus could take one look at him and suss out the reason he was a mess.

Kai nodded, eyes still squeezed shut, hands still bracing himself up on the counter.

“Hey, look at me.” Atticus' voice had turned gentle, as though he were talking to a cornered animal. Kai opened his eyes, met the soft blue ones that were watching him carefully.

“Wanna talk about it?”

They held each other’s stare for what felt to Kai like an age. No, he didn’t want to talk to Atticus about Nicholas. About how he, Kai, was still pathetically clinging to a dream that he’d never truly had hold of in the first place.

He shook his head, finally finding his voice. “Not really.”