Page 5

Kai knew the question was for him. He realized he had yet to speak, to say anything.

Pulling his gaze back, focusing on the man before him, it was nearly impossible.

His movements felt weighed down, an anchor dragging him lower and lower into the pit he had just barely escaped from.

His mind felt sluggish, fuzzy from the vodka. From the dread.

“Fine.” One word was all he could force out. Kai couldn’t even bring himself to meet Nicholas’ eyes. He could feel that hazel stare boring into him, could feel Nicholas willing him to look up, to meet his gaze.

That’s what hurt the worst. The fact that Kai couldn’t even look at his oldest friend anymore. The fact that they weren’t friends anymore.

They hadn’t been for so long now.

The silence between them was terrible, a growing chasm that Kai would have fallen into if a hand hadn’t still been wrapped around his arm, tethering him in place and holding him steady.

“Listen,” Nicholas finally said. Kai looked up, still not meeting his gaze.

Watched as he ran a hand through already messy hair.

Kai remembered the exact texture of it, soft and a little frizzy.

Nicholas dropped his hand down, letting it rest on his hip, that same easy stance he so often took, before he continued to speak.

“I don’t know if this is the best place for us to talk.

Would you want to grab something to eat after? Or maybe get coffee?”

The hope is what finally did it. Kai could hear it clearly, the yearning in Nicholas’ voice. Kai looked him in the eye, saw a semblance of his own pain reflected.

It only made him feel worse. Knowing that Nicholas hurt in a similar way to him. Similar, but not the same. Because while they both mourned the loss of their friendship, only Kai mourned the loss of what more they’d had.

“Mills, if you want to come too, the more the merrier!” Nicholas was scrambling now, a smile that didn’t quite ring true, falling a little more with every second that Kai remained silent. “Theo said he knows a good place close to here. It’s quiet, we can all catch up.”

The mention of Theo felt like running face first into a brick wall. Kai was sure he really was going to be sick.

There was no way he could sit there and watch Nicholas be in love with someone else.

“I’m going back to Attie’s place tonight.” Kai didn’t think before the words slipped out. He couldn’t think, not with the alcohol blurring the lines he shouldn’t cross and his nerves threatening to explode like firecrackers throughout his entire body. “We were actually getting ready to leave.”

He purposely avoided thinking about the pain that flashed across Nicholas’ features. Kai looked up at Atticus, saw momentary confusion cross his expression before he grinned in a way that was a little devastating. A grin that always twisted something inside of Kai’s chest.

“Maybe we can take a raincheck, yeah?” Atticus asked, words cheerful and bright, such a contrast to the atmosphere surrounding the three of them.

He stepped away from the bar, taking Kai’s empty glass from his vice-like grip, setting it on the counter.

Kai let himself be pulled away, thankful for the attention, thankful for the stable hands to guide him.

“Sure,” Nicholas said, voice a little softer. A little sad. “Maybe next time. See you around, Atticus. Kai.” A nod toward them both, but his gaze lingered on Kai. There was no real longing there, no reflection of what Kai felt, what he so desperately wanted to see.

“Bye, Nicky.”

The nickname slipped out before he could stop himself, and Kai instantly wished he could take it back. Wished he could wipe away the flash of something bright and hopeful that flickered in Nicholas’ expression.

They wouldn’t be seeing each other again soon.

Not if Kai had anything to say about it.

There would be no ‘next time.’ He felt as though he’d barely survived this terrible interaction, pulse racing, stomach threatening to rebel, a persistent itching under his skin that made him want to tear into himself.

He couldn’t do it. He would never be able to act like things were normal between them, like he hadn’t lost everything the day that Nicholas left.

Atticus led Kai away toward the exit, leaving Nicholas behind.

“We should probably get you out of here.” Atticus was being gentle with him, voice soft as he leaned close, his words meant only for Kai.

“I need to say bye to Ori.” Kai intentionally ignored the slight slur that came through in his words. Regret tasted an awful lot like cheap vodka.

“We can call him later.” Atticus steered Kai toward the outskirts of the party. Kai let himself be led, too tired and drunk and sad to fight it. Once they were out the door, in a quiet, empty hall, Atticus turned to face Kai fully, a hand still steady on his arm.

“Want me to take you home?”

He looked so earnest, so sweet and concerned, and it tugged at Kai, made a little spark that only ever lit for Atticus flash within him, pushing past his drunken haze. Or maybe adding to it.

“Or,” Kai said, voice low as he stepped closer. He placed a hand against Atticus’ chest, could feel the way his breath caught as he let his fingers trail along the silky fabric. “I really could go back to your place.”

Kai looked up to see heat in Atticus’ gaze.

A part of him was screaming, railing against this flirtation.

The part that knew that his words could mean more to Atticus, could push them in a direction that Kai wasn’t ready to move toward.

But it was hard to think straight, hard to not want to let go completely when he felt like his whole life had just crashed down around him again.

Hard to ignore the way his body always responded to Atticus’ touch, the way everything always felt a little lighter whenever Atticus looked at him.

Atticus blew out a long breath, looking away, a hand rubbing at the back of his neck. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea…”

He trailed off, looking away. Kai’s hand gripped at his shirt, fingers tightening in the fabric as a wave of nausea threatened him.

“I can’t be alone tonight.” The blatant honesty was unusual for him, and Kai felt a creeping anxiety at laying himself bare in that way.

But something about Atticus had always made him feel safe, made him feel like he could be vulnerable in a way he rarely allowed himself.

And with Ori leaving the next day, Kai had no one else to turn to. “Please, Attie.”

Atticus looked back down at him, brow furrowed, concern written across his face. He nodded, the movement small and quick.

“Okay.” One word and relief immediately washed over Kai.

Atticus pulled him toward the building’s exit, slipping his hand into Kai’s, twining their fingers together.

Kai allowed himself to be led, a little unsteady.

He was feeling too much, his thoughts blurring as his insides churned.

A spark burned along his skin where a strong hand wrapped around his own.

Kai let himself focus on that spark, on the one thing that felt good about this night.

He didn’t think about how he’d left his friend’s party early, didn’t think about how his first interaction with his ex in over a year had been a complete train wreck.

He simply allowed himself to feel Atticus' hand in his, leaning in close as they walked out into the night.

Atticus had to pull over, ten minutes from home.

Kai leaned out of the passenger seat, emptying the meager contents of his stomach onto the road. After a few moments, he pulled himself back up into the car, flopping back against the seat. His eyes were closed, chest rising and falling heavily as he caught his breath.

“You good?” Atticus kept his voice gentle. Kai nodded.

“For now,” he said, voice weak.

They made it back to Atticus’ place without any further mishaps, but the moment they were through the door he had to lead Kai to his single bathroom. Atticus went to get a glass of water for each of them as Kai heaved into the toilet bowl.

“Thanks,” Kai mumbled, leaning back against the wall as he took the water Atticus offered him. He looked like a wreck, face pale and clammy, hair slipping from the tie he’d pulled it back with, the rose gold ends sticking to the skin of his neck. Eyes closed tight in discomfort.

“Here,” Atticus said softly, holding out the other items he’d grabbed. “You might feel better if you’re more comfortable.”

Kai cracked one eye open, staring at the clothes Atticus held out. “I think I’ll throw up again if I move. ”

Atticus chuckled, leaning forward. “I’ll help you. Come on.”

Kai let himself be undressed, limp as a doll.

Atticus pulled off Kai’s jacket before moving to unbutton the shirt that was damp with sweat.

He desperately tried not to focus on what undressing the other man was doing to his own body, the persistent heat trailing up his neck, setting his cheeks on fire. Now was really not the time.

He quickly slipped Kai’s shirt off, pushing his old Wildcats hoodie over his head.

It was massive on Kai’s smaller frame, engulfing him in a way that had Atticus gritting his teeth at the cuteness of it all.

Kai roused himself enough to also change into a pair of athletic shorts, but the movement had him heaving into the toilet once again.

Atticus did what he could for him, a gentle touch along his back, a hand to hold back his hair.

It was nearly impossible to keep himself from playing with the soft pink ends.

The last time they’d hung out, playing a new JRPG that Kai had early access to, the ends of his dark hair had been a fading teal.

Atticus thought the subtle pink suited him better.

Tears leaked from the corners of Kai’s eyes as his body rejected the little water he’d tried to get down.

It felt like hours later before they both leaned back against the wall.

Atticus pulled the smaller man close, holding him back against his chest as Kai’s breathing began to even out.

He’d finally managed to get down the entire glass of water, his body heavy with exhaustion as he leaned back into Atticus.

It was hard, the closeness, the familiarity. It had taken Atticus months to get used to it, to understand how casual touch was for Kai. How it didn’t mean anything, that it was just how he was with all of his friends. Atticus had gotten used to it.

Mostly.

“I’m sorry,” Kai murmured, and Atticus couldn’t help but smile at the sleepiness in the words.

“It’s fine,” he said softly, his words close to Kai’s ear. “We’ve all done it.”

Kai relaxed at that, his head falling back against Atticus' shoulder as he curled in on himself slightly. Atticus held onto him, let his own mind wander as the other man drifted off with a mumbled, “Thanks, Attie.”

Atticus wanted to laugh about it, he really did.

He’d longed to have Kai in his arms like this again, had wanted it for months.

Under different circumstances, obviously.

But even this felt amazing, to have him curled up like a cat, pressed tight against Atticus, close enough that he could feel every slight movement and every steady breath.

When Kai had asked to come home with him, had called him Attie with so much unspoken in his request, Atticus had nearly come out of his own skin.

Because it hadn’t been like previous times, when they’d agreed to go out as friends, when they’d made plans to stay in for a night of gaming.

No, this time there had been something more in Kai’s gaze that ignited Atticus’ entire being, something that sent fire racing along his veins.

If Kai had been sober, Atticus would have pressed him up against the wall right then and there and kissed him senseless.

He’d known immediately that wasn’t an option, that he would be in this exact position by the end of the night. That they wouldn’t be having a repeat of their first night together.

Atticus had also been very aware of how his exit from the party would look to others.

How it would play into the image that he’d been trying to break away from.

Playboy Atticus Mills, leaving early for another hookup.

He ignored the way those thoughts felt like rocks settling in his stomach, weighing him down, ignored the way it hurt to imagine people would think he would use Kai like that .

Kai was fast asleep, still nestled into Atticus’ broad chest. Color had returned to his face, his soft cheeks tinted pink, his lips parted slightly.

Atticus brushed a few stray strands of long hair away from Kai’s face.

He could feel sleep tugging at him as well, his eyelids growing heavier with each passing moment.

He knew he should move, should take Kai to his spare bedroom so he could sleep more comfortably.

But he had wanted this for so long, to hold Kai, to be close to him again.

Just a few more minutes. Atticus would pick him up, carry him to the other room, but only after a few more minutes of enjoying this.

Of feeling like maybe they could be more, pretending that they weren’t just friends that had hooked up one time.

Atticus drifted off to sleep with his arms still wrapped tightly around Kai, curled into each other on the bathroom floor.