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KAI KEPT HIMSELF from stealing another glance at the man sitting next to him. He didn’t need to look again to know that Theo was still a wreck. The fear and anguish radiating off of him were enough to tell, seeping into Kai more with every passing second.

Nicholas was in surgery. The car accident had been bad.

Really bad. The other driver had been texting, had blown through a stoplight, t-boning Nicholas’ vehicle on the driver’s side.

They’d had to cut him out of the car. Nicholas hadn’t been awake, and Theo had only seen him for a few moments before he’d been rushed into surgery.

“I’m going to get some water, want some?” Kai kept his voice soft, but it was still enough to startle Theo. The waiting room had been crowded when they’d been ushered into it a half hour earlier. They’d taken the only two seats available, had sat together in silence.

Theo looked up at him, eyes wide behind his glasses. His pale skin was still drained of all color, had been since the moment Kai had met him outside of the stadium. He pushed his disheveled hair back from his face, tugging at the sleeves of his polyester team jacket as he nodded at Kai.

“Yeah,” he finally said. He sounded so distant, eyes unfocused even as they tried to meet Kai’s. “Yeah, thanks.”

Kai walked down the hall to the vending machine.

When he returned to the waiting room, two bottles of water in hand, it became apparent that many of the others who had been milling about the room when he and Theo had arrived had disappeared.

The waiting room was empty save for a couple on the opposite side and Theo.

He decided to return to the same seat when he saw the way Theo was cradling his head in his hands, elbows braced on his knees, shoulders slumped in defeat.

It felt wrong to sit further away. Theo had been his friend once.

Somehow, this time, Kai had ended up being the steady one. The one holding it together.

Kai sat back down slowly, giving Theo a moment before tapping him on the arm. When he finally looked up, his eyes were watery and red. He took the proffered water bottle, nodding in thanks, and the two of them returned to their uneasy silence.

It was cold in the waiting room, cold in the entire hospital. Kai still wore the button up he’d put on that morning, and the thin material wasn’t enough to keep a chill from sinking in. He fought the urge to pull his legs up into the chair, to curl into himself.

He watched Theo drink his water slowly, hand shaking slightly as he brought the bottle to his lips. The same question that had run through his mind a thousand times since he’d ended their last call flashed in his head again.

Why had Theo called him? Why had he wanted Kai here with him?

Kai hadn’t asked. It had seemed so unimportant initially, when every thought had only been for whether or not Nicholas would be okay.

Something they still didn’t have a definitive answer to.

His life wasn’t in danger, but Theo had described just how bad the injuries had looked.

Bruises marring so much of Nicholas’ skin, blood staining his torn clothes.

And now… well, now Kai really just felt like it didn’t matter why Theo had asked him to come.

Because Kai wanted to be there, in that cold waiting room, fluorescent lights flickering above them.

He needed to be there.

“Did you let anyone else know?” Kai asked softly. Theo’s distant gaze focused a bit as he thought for several moments.

“No,” he finally said, shaking his head. “Coach said he would tell the team. I didn’t… I just saw your name on my call history, I couldn’t think straight. I probably should… Ori…”

Kai pulled out his phone, typing quickly. “I’ll let him know.”

“Thanks.”

Kai shrugged as he typed out another message. “You don’t have to keep thanking me.” He sent several more texts to mutual friends, attention focused wholly on the task. When he finally clicked his phone off and looked up, Theo was watching him intently.

“I wasn’t sure if you would come,” he said. Kai wanted to squirm under the attention. “But I saw your name on my phone and all I could think was that he would want you to be here.”

The words made something wrench in Kai’s chest.

“I’m glad you called,” he murmured. Theo’s considering gaze continued to bore into him.

“I should apologize,” Theo said, voice quiet as he finally looked away. “For the things I said to you.”

Kai stilled.

You were friends more than anything.

A relationship that was always going to end anyway .

The words had plagued Kai, had run through his head over the last several days more times than he could count. But as he heard them in his mind once again, all of the sting seemed to be gone. They no longer felt so sharp, no longer pierced down to the deepest parts of him.

No, now that Kai had been faced with the idea of truly never seeing Nicholas again… it all felt so small. So insignificant.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Kai said. He still felt nervous talking to Theo, but managed to keep it from sounding through in his words.

“I do,” Theo replied quickly. He sucked in a deep, shaky breath.

“I shouldn’t have called you like that. I’m sorry for all of the things I said.

You set a boundary with Nicholas, and I crossed it.

You have every right to hate me, and you’re here anyway.

You’re a better friend than I ever was, and I’m sorry for hurting you.

For ever hurting you. So again, thank you. ”

Kai could feel his cheeks heating. He was embarrassed by the words and didn’t know why. Theo’s attention on him like this, his apology and the clear gratitude, it felt like too much. Kai didn’t know how to respond other than a whispered, “Thank you.”

“He was so mad at me,” Theo continued. His voice had turned shaky, sounded too full in the small, quiet room. “When he found out I called you, when I told him what I said. He’s never been that angry with me before. The last few days have been so tense because of it, because of me and now…”

He cut off, choking on the words. Kai held his breath as Theo slumped forward, shoulders shaking as he sniffled, fighting back a sob with a fist pressed to his mouth, eyes squeezed shut.

Kai never knew what to do with crying people. It always made him feel awkward, to see so much emotion expressed. It made him feel inadequate, ill-prepared to handle it.

“He’s going to be okay,” he finally said, stretching out a hand in an attempt at comfort, stiffly patting Theo on the back.

“I know,” Theo said, wiping at the fresh tears spilling down his cheeks.

“But I only got to see him for a few seconds before they took him back. He looked so broken. He didn’t look like Nicholas .

And all I could think of was what if it had been worse.

What if our last days together were spent fighting. ”

The words landed uncomfortably on Kai. Tugged at a part of him that felt a similar regret. A regret for how things had been left for so long between himself and Nicholas, yes. But also for that morning. For how Kai had left Atticus with hateful words and a detached goodbye.

He also couldn’t help but see the depth of Theo’s grief.

When Kai had received the call, when he’d rushed to the hospital, he had been terrified.

All of the feelings of loss that he’d let simmer for the last year, all of the anger and pain, all of it fell away at the idea of Nicholas’ life being in danger.

Kai had only felt terror, a mirror to Theo’s own at how things had been left between them.

But the grief he saw there on Theo’s face? The agony lacing his posture, crumpling him under its pressure? Kai’s own fear paled in comparison. It was clear as a full moon on a cloudless night that the thought of losing Nicholas was more than Theo could handle.

Kai had been able to shut Nicholas out for a year.

He had been miserable the entire time, but he had survived.

He had found purpose in other things. His job, his friends.

It suddenly all seemed so uncomplicated.

Kai had been grieving the loss of their relationship, the loss of the life he’d wanted with his whole heart, but he had managed. In the end, he had been okay .

The devastation bleeding out of Theo at even the thought of losing Nicholas… Kai’s own pain just couldn’t compare. Nicholas was something Theo couldn’t fathom living without.

Kai had chosen to live without him.

He had chosen to never respond to Nicholas. Had chosen to shut him out completely. Had shoved away the friendship they’d had for so long. And he knew, he knew , that he had every right to do that. Kai knew that friendships didn’t always survive.

But he had never really given their’s a fighting chance, had he?

He knew that they could never go back to what they had been before their relationship.

That magical childhood friendship, cursed by nostalgia and beautiful memories.

They could never have that again. But Kai had never even given Nicholas, or even himself, a chance to see if they could have anything at all after the end.

If they could function around one another, rather than being the cracks that severed their friend group down the middle.

Kai had loved Nicholas, but apparently hadn’t loved him enough to accept having less of him.

Theo seemed to be getting himself back under control, settling once again into the tense, waiting silence they’d grown used to. It was Kai’s turn to fall apart.

Soft, silent tears slipped past his lashes. He lost all care for propriety as he pulled his legs into the chair, wrapping his arms tight around his knees, making himself as small as possible.