Page 23

KAI HAD BEEN staring at his handheld console’s screen for a solid five minutes. His game was paused, his mind racing as he lay in bed, propped up against his pillow, his boyfriend asleep next to him.

How long had it been since he and Nicholas had last had sex?

The question had barreled into his mind as he’d been playing his game, the bright screen the only thing lighting their room. It had been… a while. At least a couple of months, maybe? Possibly longer. Kai couldn’t even really remember the last time.

Why hadn’t he noticed sooner?

He glanced over to the other side of the bed.

Nicholas, as usual, had shifted so that his head was stuck between their pillows.

It always sort of seemed like he might suffocate himself sleeping that way, but Kai was used to it.

He had also kicked off the blanket. Nicholas always ran a little hot when he slept, a warmth that Kai loved to burrow into, curling against him throughout the night.

Except he didn’t really do that anymore, did he? No, these days they tended to fall asleep on their separate sides of the bed, Kai hogging the covers to himself.

When had that changed as well ?

Kai felt a knot growing in his chest, a strange sense of dread rising as these realizations washed over him.

He was never really one to feel touch starved, but Nicholas was.

Nicholas had always been the more tactile of the two of them, always reaching out to make contact in small ways.

He’d also always been more likely to start anything that would lead to them having sex.

Kai felt a heat spreading through his chest and arms. Not a comfortable, exciting warmth. One that hurt, one that scared him.

Why had Nicholas stopped touching him?

A wave of guilt washed over Kai. He hadn’t even noticed that anything had changed between them.

Hadn’t even noticed they hadn’t had sex in longer than he could remember.

Hadn’t even noticed that the extent of their physical contact had dwindled to nothing more than a peck on the lips for a goodbye and sitting against one another on the couch as they watched tv.

A massive part of their relationship was seemingly missing, and Kai had gone on with his daily life completely oblivious.

It could be fixed though. Kai set his game aside, mind racing toward a new train of thought.

Maybe it was his fault. Maybe Nicholas wanted Kai to step up, to initiate things more. Thoughts of why something like that wouldn’t have been communicated were pushed aside as Kai shifted in the bed.

He leaned in close, pressing up against Nicholas’ bare back, the skin there so hot to the touch.

“Nicky,” Kai whispered, his mouth close to his boyfriend’s ear.

Nicholas hummed a questioning sound, slowly lifting his head from between their pillows.

“Hey,” Kai said, running a hand down his side, his fingers settling on Nicholas' hip. Kai teased along the waistband of his boxer briefs.

“Hey,” Nicholas finally echoed, voice still so thick with sleep. Kai leaned forward, pressing their lips together. Nicholas shifted so that he was on his back, gently kissing Kai back before pulling away.

“What’s up?”

Kai moved so that he was half on top of him, soaking in that ever-present warmth through the oversized t-shirt he wore.

It was one of Nicholas' old ones. A few holes in the neckline, a frayed hem at the bottom. It made Kai feel silly every time he put it on, but he couldn’t bring himself to throw it out, no matter how ratty it was.

“Nothing,” he said, leaning to press his lips against Nicholas' jaw. Large hands found their way to his slim waist, gripping him softly. Nicholas made no other movement, and Kai didn’t let himself think about it.

He snaked a hand up into Nicholas' hair, tugging gently to tilt the his head, exposing his throat. The motion pulled a small gasp from Nicholas. Kai didn’t know if it was a good or a bad thing

Kai had always been so soft during sex, from the very beginning. It was all he had ever known.

Maybe it was time to try something different.

Kai used his other hand to grab Nicholas' wrist, yanking it above his head and holding it tight against the pillow. If Nicholas didn’t want to use his hands then maybe Kai could help with that.

He continued to trail a line of kisses down Nicholas' neck. The other man wriggled a little at the contact, pushing up against Kai’s grip. He let out a sound as Kai’s teeth sank into the skin right above his collarbone.

Kai paused.

Was he laughing ?

“What are you doing?” Nicholas asked, his voice lighter than before as he chuckled through the words.

Kai sat up, immediately releasing his grip on Nicholas, disentangling his fingers from sleep-mussed hair.

“What do you mean?”

Nicholas laughed again, and Kai felt that knot in his chest grow. Felt his stomach sink, felt that same sense of dread that he still didn’t quite understand.

“You’re never like this,” Nicholas said, reaching up to push some of Kai’s hair back from his face.

It was so much longer now, and he loved when Nicholas played with it.

When they would sit together on a weekend night, catching up on the shows they watched, Nicholas' long fingers trailing through Kai’s hair over and over until they both inevitably passed out.

That hadn’t happened in a while.

“I…,” Kai began, unsure of what to say. He felt embarrassed, something he hadn’t felt with Nicholas since the early, childhood days of their relationship.

Kai looked away, focusing on the still bright screen of his game sitting on the nightstand.

The faint light it cast throughout their room wasn’t nearly enough to see by clearly.

It lent an almost eerie glow to the space.

As if anything could be hiding in the corners, just waiting for the right moment to jump out.

“I just thought maybe we could try something different,” Kai finally said. He still couldn’t quite bring himself to meet Nicholas’ gaze.

Nicholas laughed again, but this time it held something sweeter, something softer. He placed a hand against Kai’s cheek, rubbing his thumb gently below his ear.

“Not that I don’t like where your mind is headed,” Nicholas said, voice soft. “But I have to be up in a few hours for work. Can we hit pause on this one?”

Kai nodded. He was still sprawled across Nicholas’ chest. He shifted, moving back to his side of the bed. Nicholas' hesitated, hand still pressed to Kai’s face.

“I love you, Kai,” Nicholas whispered. “You know that, right?”

There was something there in the words. Something heavy, something unspoken that Kai couldn’t parse out. He nodded again.

“I know,” he whispered back. “I love you, too.”

He meant it, with everything he had in him.

Something between them had shifted recently, something that Kai had failed to notice.

But it didn’t matter, it would never matter, because the one thing that would never change would be how he felt about Nicholas.

That love would always be there, ever-present.

They drifted off to sleep together, Nicholas with one arm wrapped around Kai, curled into his warmth. A warmth that, for the very first time, failed to sink in all the way.