Page 25

No, Kai didn’t think he was ready for more.

He knew that was what Atticus wanted, that his friend wanted so much more, and that stung.

The idea that he might have made Atticus think that whatever this physical thing was that was happening between them would mean something more than it did.

The idea of a new relationship, a new life, felt terrifying still.

Felt so far out of his grasp that Kai wasn’t sure he could even see it.

But what had happened between them had happened, and it couldn’t be changed. And Kai was okay with it. He didn’t feel worse off, and he didn’t think Atticus would either.

Maybe it would be fine. Maybe they could both just acknowledge it and laugh it off. Kai was nervous, hard conversations about things like feelings always made him nervous. But he wasn’t scared.

Atticus was his friend, and they’d done something that maybe they shouldn’t have as friends, but it had happened and Kai didn’t regret it.

They would be okay.

Kai sighed, finally rolling toward the nightstand to grab some tissues and clean himself up. Hearing footsteps in the hallway again spurred him to move a little faster. Post-nut clarity made the idea of Atticus catching him now much more embarrassing.

Changing into a fresh set of clothes quickly, Kai escaped down the hall to the bathroom.

He moved through his morning routine with muscle memory, mind still stuck on the conversation waiting for him elsewhere in the house.

Braiding his hair back loosely, Kai took in his appearance in the mirror.

At least he looked somewhat chill on the outside, his face trained into a normal level of apathy that hid his inner turmoil well.

Kai tied his hair off and let his hands fall to his side. He inhaled deeply before opening the door, leaving the safety of the bathroom to find Atticus .

Atticus knew Kai had entered the kitchen.

He was becoming more and more accustomed to having another person in his home.

Despite the fact that Kai moved silently at all times, creeping into rooms and popping up out of nowhere like he was a creature in a horror movie, Atticus was getting a sense for how he moved and where he was, always.

Like that kid who could see dead people in that one film, only for Atticus it was a Kai-specific power and it didn’t fill him with dread.

Except that this time it did. Just a little.

Atticus knew he should turn around from where he was filling up the kitten’s water bowl at the sink, knew he needed to acknowledge Kai, or else he might make things worse than they already were. But were they bad? Atticus didn’t feel like it was bad on his end.

Sure, he’d woken up to some initial panic. Had messaged Julian of all people, because for some reason that asshole tended to give him good advice. Tended to understand some of the nuances of Atticus' situation better than most. Was it a setter thing?

But Atticus hadn’t been filled with regret the way he’d thought he would be.

Maybe it was the fact that Kai had smiled at him before saying goodnight.

A small smile, tinted with a blush that had Atticus' pulse racing just thinking about it. Or maybe it was the fact that Kai was still there, that he hadn’t left in the middle of the night or decided to hide in his room all day.

Whatever it was, Atticus knew that the worst case scenarios weren’t happening. All that was left was for them to talk about it. Acknowledge it.

Even still, Atticus was nervous as fuck.

And now too many long seconds had passed, the water bowl was nearly overflowing, his Kai-sense told him that the other man had moved across the room to sit at the same barstool he always sat at, and Atticus had lingered too long and had most likely made things awkward.

He turned around, ready to cringe and apologize for being such a fucking weirdo.

Atticus froze.

Kai was watching him, face impassive, nonchalantly peeling an orange he’d grabbed from the basket on the counter. His head tilted as their eyes met, and Atticus felt his nerves dissipate.

“Morning,” Kai said, voice steady, the word falling off his tongue the same way it did every day.

Because Atticus knew Kai, knew him so well at this point, he knew that Kai was fine with the silences.

Knew that Kai was fine with taking time to think.

The man practically lived in his own head, the gears in his mind constantly churning.

Atticus didn’t need to worry, he didn’t need to rush and over think.

Kai would always let him take his time to figure things out.

The thought made his heart feel almost too full, just like the water bowl he was sloshing all over the kitchen floor as he made his way across the room to place it next to the matching food bowl.

Atticus walked back over, leaning casually on the counter across from Kai. The same position they’d found themselves in several times at this point.

“Morning,” Atticus said. He might have sounded too cheerful, but he didn’t really care. He was a morning person, and Kai needed to get used to it.

He watched as Kai placed a slice of orange on his tongue, couldn’t help but stare at his lips, remembering what they’d felt like against his own the night before.

Kai’s bottom lip was red, redder than usual, and Atticus wondered if he’d been chewing it out of nervousness.

If he were as anxious about this conversation as Atticus had been all morning.

“So,” Atticus said as Kai continued to eat his orange in silence. “Um…”

His hesitation finally seemed to alert Kai, who paused to stare a little more intently. Atticus cleared his throat before going on.

“Are you okay?”

The question, to Atticus' surprise, brought a slight blush to Kai’s cheeks. He nodded, looking down to focus on the pieces of orange peel he’d placed on a napkin.

“I’m okay,” Kai said. Atticus let out a breath.

“Good!” he said, probably a bit too loud. “Good. I wasn’t sure if I needed to apologize.”

Kai cocked his head to the side. “I’m pretty sure we were both involved.”

It was Atticus' turn to flush. He chuckled. “Yeah, uh, I noticed. I was just afraid I- no, we might have screwed things up.” He paused, forcing himself to maintain eye contact. “Do you think it was a mistake?”

Kai watched him, waiting a long time before responding. Atticus could practically see those overworked gears turning in his head.

“I’m not sure,” he said. “I don’t regret it though.”

“I don’t either.”

The words felt heavy on Atticus' tongue. Not a bad sort of heavy, but one filled with more emotion than he realized he’d be bringing to this conversation.

Having Kai in his arms, pressed close, tangled together with him?

No, he would never regret that. And before he really knew what he was doing, before his thoughts had thoroughly aligned, Atticus spoke again.

“What does it mean for us, though?”

He immediately felt as if the question were too much, as if he was putting something out there that he was afraid to find the answer to.

“I’m not sure,” Kai repeated, his voice soft as he looked away. Atticus waited, giving him time to think it through, watching as Kai chewed at the inside of his cheek, hands pulling into the long sleeves of the oversized black t-shirt he wore.

Atticus really took him in, observing Kai more thoroughly than he had since he’d entered the room.

His hair was pulled back into a loose braid, a few dark strands falling loose, the light pink ends brushing his jawline.

Atticus remembered what it had felt like to have that hair held tight in his grip, remembered the sounds it had elicited from Kai, the sharp breaths and small whimpers.

He remembered how natural it had felt for them to be pressed so close together. How right it had seemed.

He knew how he felt, what he wanted it all to mean. Maybe Julian was right.

Maybe Atticus just needed to say it.

“Kai,” he said, forcing his tone to stay calm and even. “I don’t think I’ve done a great job of keeping how I feel a secret. So if this all means something more from us, that’s something I want.”

Kai looked back at him, something like fear in his eyes, and it made Atticus' chest feel tight. He pushed aside the unease and continued.

“I want us to be okay, though. In whatever way we need to be. So if you still don’t want something more, I can deal with that. I just need you to tell me.”

He felt as though he were throwing some sort of lifeline out, desperate for Kai to pull him in.

Atticus had meant the words. And maybe it was pathetic for him to be this hung up on someone, for him to be willing to push his feelings aside if it meant he could at least keep his friend.

But he didn’t really care. As long as he could have Kai in his life, Atticus would make it work.

Because the only other option was to lose him.

And that wasn’t really an option at all, was it?

“I-” Kai began, cutting himself off as his lips pulled into a tight line. He was thinking, he was thinking so hard and Atticus felt just a bit of hope at the fact that an immediate no hadn’t been spoken.

Kai looked at him, a little desperately. “Can I take some time to think about it?”

Atticus blinked. “Uh,” he began, so eloquently. “Yeah, of course.”

Kai was going to think about it. Atticus wasn’t one hundred percent sure what all that it entailed. But it was something. It was more than Kai had given him in the last six months.

He couldn’t help himself. Atticus grinned wide, slapping his palms down on the counter playfully.

“As long as we’re okay,” he said, “you can think about it as much as you need to.”

Kai nodded, his mouth pulling into a small smile that he might have been trying to fight back. “Thanks.”

Atticus pushed back from the counter. He felt lighter, so much lighter than he had felt all morning. Lighter than he had felt in a long time.

“You got plans today?”