Page 39

PRESENT DAY

Atticus wasn’t sure why he felt nervous waking up. Like there was a weight on his chest, pressing into him, stealing his breath. He reached across the bed, searching for another presence.

Kai wasn’t there.

He sat up slowly, letting the blanket pool around his hips.

He was still naked from the night before.

A rush of memories flooded his mind. Kai on top of him, light streaking the sky as they’d moved together.

Kai’s smile as Atticus had teased him in the bed, the way his eyes had gone soft and happy when Atticus leaned in to kiss him.

Atticus had fallen asleep with Kai in his arms, but he wasn’t there now. The room felt cold, empty. The anxiety in Atticus’ chest dug its claws in a little deeper.

His immediate instinct was to go check in. Just like how he’d done all week, every time they’d gotten physical. Call out, get up, rush to wherever Kai was, ask once again if he was good, if everything was okay .

Atticus knew that was the right thing to do, but this time it felt different. This time a lump formed in his throat. Because he sort of thought he knew why Kai wasn’t in his bed.

I love you.

The words had felt like a weight lifted from Atticus’ shoulders when he’d spoken them the night before. But now? Now they felt like his biggest mistake. Heavier than ever before, pushing him down.

The thing he’d been so afraid of had happened. He’d pushed Kai too far, had shown too much of what he had felt for so, so long. And Kai had run away.

Atticus got up, dressing slowly, every movement measured and careful.

He didn’t understand why he felt on the verge of breaking down.

But for once, he wished he was the one getting checked on.

Wished that he could hear the words are you good directed at himself. Just this once. Because he wasn’t good.

No, this time he felt like things were about to spin out of control, and Atticus wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold on.

He walked into the kitchen. It was another sunny day, a bright morning. Soft light filtered in through the blinds.

Kai sat in his usual spot, and Atticus’ heart clenched. Kai had a spot now, right there at his kitchen counter. He sat there every morning, hair usually kind of a mess, eyes sleepy as he slowly sipped on coffee, drowning in a too big hoodie and sweatpants.

He looked different this morning. Kai’s hair was pulled back into a ponytail, only a few strands escaping to frame his face.

He wore jeans and a button up that hugged his frame, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows.

No coffee steaming in a mug before him. Instead, his packed duffle bag was sitting there on the counter.

His attention was focused on his phone, until Atticus finally stepped into the room.

Their eyes met, and Atticus felt as though he could see walls behind Kai’s gaze, shutting him out.

“Morning,” Atticus said. Maybe it was all in his head. Maybe he was overreacting, worried over nothing. But he couldn’t stop thinking about that packed duffle bag, about how Kai hadn’t been there when he woke up.

“Morning.” Kai’s voice was soft, just more than a whisper. A long, awkward silence stretched between them. Atticus leaned back against the counter.

“Do you want coffee?”

Kai shook his head. “I, uh…,” he began. Atticus knew what was coming. That lump in his throat expanded a little more before Kai continued. “I was waiting for you to wake up. My bathroom’s done, they finished it yesterday.” He paused before glancing down at his phone. “I can go back home now.”

And that was it. Atticus’ mind began to race in a way it rarely did. Words began to fall out of him, too big to be held back.

“You’re just going to leave?” Atticus blurted. His voice came out louder than he intended, and Kai’s attention snapped back to him, eyes wide.

“After what we did last night,” he continued, “what I… what I said , you were just going to leave without talking to me?”

Kai stared at him, dumbfounded. Atticus knew he was losing control, knew that his thoughts were spinning toward the irrational. But he’d told Kai he loved him, and the fear that came with that declaration was blurring everything.

“You said I could take time to think about things,” Kai said slowly, voice unsteady.

Atticus barked out a harsh laugh. He couldn’t slow down, even though some part of him screamed to stop and think and find a way for things to be okay.

“So it’s been enough time for you to decide to fuck me,” he said, the words like acid on his tongue. “But not enough time to figure out if there’s something between us worth talking about?”

Kai sat up straight, his phone clattering to the counter, eyes narrowing to burning slits.

“That’s not fair. You wanted it too. We didn’t do anything that you weren’t okay with.”

It was true. Atticus knew it was true, and he had been okay with it all.

But he wasn’t okay now. He was so far from okay, because he had put everything on the line, had given all of himself, and there was no one there to make sure he was fine the next morning.

His bed had been empty, and the person he wanted most, needed most, was leaving as though none of it had meant anything.

Atticus’ thoughts continued to spiral as his hands clenched the edge of the counter behind him, fingers aching as he held on.

“Is it your ex?” The words were hard, harsh.

Atticus didn’t even know where it came from.

They hadn’t talked about Nicholas at all that week.

The only time it had come up had been when he’d come home from practice to find Kai crying about something he hadn’t been ready to talk about.

So they hadn’t talked about it. Atticus had wanted to give Kai space, give him time.

Time. He was always giving Kai time. Atticus had given him six months of his life, hours, days, weeks that piled up into so much time that he had spent hoping and waiting.

And he knew the whole time that Kai had been thinking about someone else.

Atticus had always known, but he had never pushed.

Suddenly, it felt like he needed to. Like he needed to press into that bruise with all his strength, because if he was hurting then he wasn’t going to be the only one.

“You’re still so hung up on him, on someone who has been gone for so fucking long, that even me loving you isn’t enough?”

Kai was silent. His lips had parted, his eyes growing even wider as a look of shock overtook his features. That voice in Atticus’ head, the one screaming for him to stop stop stop … it told him he had fucked up. He had gone too far.

But it was only natural for a kicked dog to lash out.

“Isn’t it a little ridiculous to be pining for so long over someone who doesn’t want you back?”

Atticus felt a shiver run down his spine as his words hit Kai. He watched that lovely face contort, shock transforming into anger.

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing since the day we met?”

Time slowed to a crawl. The words sank into Atticus, seeped into his skin, invaded every part of him.

Kai didn’t want him.

The whole time Atticus had been hoping that somehow Kai would see him as someone worthy of being loved…

Kai hadn’t wanted him. Suddenly, everything they had done over the last few days felt embarrassing.

All of the small touches, the heated kisses.

They’d had sex. All of it suddenly filled Atticus with shame, knowing it truly had meant more to him than it had to Kai.

Atticus didn’t like to feel embarrassed. He couldn’t stand to be the butt of the joke anymore. All of his defense mechanisms kicked into high gear, the facade he had thought he’d finally outgrown falling back into place seamlessly.

“Nah,” he finally said. He released his grip on the counter, crossing his arms casually across his chest. Confusion mixed in with the anger coloring Kai’s features. “Maybe I was just playing the long game.” His mind screamed for him to stop talking, scraped and tore at his insides as he lied.

Kai clenched his jaw, his eyes turning hard and narrowing as Atticus continued.

“Maybe I just needed to get it all out of my system. Just like all the times before, with the others. We did what we did,” Atticus said, pausing, letting the tension between them overflow. He grinned, something mean and sharp escaping through the look he gave Kai. “Now I can move on.”

Something in Kai’s expression cracked. It was slow, the way the anger seemed to fall away bit by bit, replaced in increments by sorrow.

It snapped Atticus out of his rage, broke through the shield of harsh words he had raised around himself.

Kai’s phone dinged from where it had fallen to the counter. They both looked at it.

“I have to go,” Kai said. His voice shook with the words, and Atticus could see a tremor in his hands as he quickly snatched up his things, his car keys rattling as he stood quickly.

Atticus’ arms fell to his sides as he stood there, frozen with regret.

Kai had already reached the front door when he finally broke out of his stupor.

“Wait!” Atticus cried, moving across the room as fast as he could. Every step felt weighed down, like he was being pushed back by some invisible force. Like all of the words the two of them had just spoken were too heavy to push through.

Kai paused at the door for only a moment. Atticus crashed to a halt in front of him. He wanted to reach out, wanted to wrap the other man in an unbreakable embrace.

“I didn’t mean it,” Atticus said. His voice shook, desperation leaking from his every pore. “I’m sorry, Kai. Please just stay and we can talk about it.”

Kai watched him for what felt like an eternity. Atticus couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe under the weight of that shattered stare. It hurt more than anything, knowing that he was the one who had caused the pain he saw in those beautiful, bright eyes.

For several long, too long, moments, it seemed that Kai couldn’t speak, his lips parting in silence. When words finally did fall from him, they seemed stilted, pained. As if he could hardly manage to speak to Atticus at all anymore.

“Bye, Atticus.”

And that was it. Atticus remained frozen, locked in place as Kai stepped outside, shutting the front door softly behind him. A few seconds later, the sound of a car door closing reached him.

Kai was gone.