Page 99

It’s not a question. At least not one I’m going to answer. The dealer, the nameless face who knows me, hands me another bag of Vicodin, Oxycodone, and a bag of cocaine.
Pain makes you believe you’re not worth it. Makes you feel like you’renotworth it.
I drink.
I smoke.
I pray for darkness.
I find it.
My problem is finding it in ways I shouldn’t. Ways that lead me to trouble with no way out but down. My tortured mind screams wake up, while my soul says it doesn’t give a fuck. Leave me numb. Go back to sleep.
I don’t even know where I am. I’m on my knees in a room that’s too dark, too loud and filled with people I don’t know. I think it’s my house, but I don’t know for sure. Everything’s spinning and I’m gone. My stomach burns when images of River flash behind my closed lids.
I roll on my back and stare at darkness. There’s a steady rain falling and I’m outside now. It’s not rain, it’s water, but I don’t know where it’s coming from.
How’d I get out here?
I don’t know.
I blink.
And I blink again. I breathe. And then again. My chest feels like someone is on top of me.
I’m in the middle of the yard, smoke circles pitch-black. I’m screaming, laughing, cursing, shaking my fist at the sky and calling God a son of a bitch for doing this to me. It’s not Him, it’s me.
I’m jumping around, on tables, knocking shit over. I do a line, then three, and drink. I’m full of it, swallowed whole by it. I’m fucked up beyond comprehension and comfortable for the first time in weeks.
I find a gun, whose I don’t know. Picking it up, I hold it, spin the chamber and open my mouth. I put the barrel in my mouth. It’s cold, dirty, and tastes like metal.
I hook my thumb around the trigger, only to have someone take it. “Don’t take what’s not yours,” a hard voice says.
I blink and I’m on the ground, again, this time someplace else, shaking and short of breath. My head spins. I’m dizzy. My stomach’s on fire, my mind blank.
Rising up on my elbows, my head spins again while my body threatens to give out.
As I look around, there’s a girl on her knees, my dick in her mouth. The heat leaves my body all at once and I start to shake. “Stop,” I say, but she doesn’t listen.
I blink.
And again.
I think I see Shade, but I can’t see, everything is so blurry and dark. I try blinking again. Maybe it will stop.
More images. It’s all wrong, and my stomach turns, my throat tight as the vomit rises.
The girl on her knees, she’s the wrong girl so I push away.
Lifting my hand, it feels so weighted, I push against her. “Fuck you. Get away from me.” I don’t say it loud enough. She stays.
I try to move back, but she doesn’t let me, her hands circle around my waist. “Come on, baby. I can get you off.”
She’s wrong.
I don’t want her. Or this.
“Get off him!”