Page 31

Am I though? I think I’m just going through the motions for the sake of River.
A throat clears. “Will you be at After Dark tonight?” Cody interrupts, my own voice instantly dying in my throat. “We’re heading out here soon. Bella just had to pick up her dry cleaning across the street.”
And yet it still doesn’t make sense why they’re here, in the kids clothing section of Nordstrom’s, but whatever. I don’t bother asking because I’m not sure I care to know the answer.
“No, I’m off for the next couple of weeks,” I answer, checking my watch for good measure, like I have somewhere to be. Anything to get out of this awkward situation. But I’m not wearing a watch so it looks like I’m checking out my wrist. “Kaylee’s filling in for me.”
Cody’s expression grows sincere. “That makes sense,” he replies, holding my gaze for a beat too long. Cody is Parker O’Neil’s mechanic. Parker is one of the riders on the After Dark tour. I can’t say anything bad about him, and he’s so unlike Tiller that I find myself drawn to him, but then again, he’s not the sin I crave.
With brief goodbyes and an awkward silence, they leave shortly afterwards, the relief instantaneous as I slouch. There’s no one left in the store but me and River, and for the first time today, the silence is a comfort. It’s like the caressing of gentle hands and love-filled words whispered against skin. I feel Ava’s presence again and smile down at the girl holding my hand.
You got this, Amberly.
Do I? I wish I could talk to her and ask her what in the world she had been thinking, but then again, maybe she didn’t mean go to Tiller right away. Maybe she meant wait a while and then slowly introduce them?
I guess I could have gone that route, but I desperately wanted to know why Tiller hadn’t told me he slept with Ava.
I know one thing. I’m so tired. The hurt from Tiller’s dismissal of River is lingering on my heart, pulling and twisting the beats in his direction. I know Ava wanted her to know him, but he doesn’t want to know her, a concept I will never understand, but live undoubtedly. My father doesn’t know anything about me. For all he knows, I still live at home and am just never there.
Plagued with thoughts I don’t understand, I can’t breathe in this store, surrounded by beauty I don’t feel inside. The need to get some fresh air is too strong. “Whatta say we go out for ice cream and then finish dress shopping later?”
River smiles, a little wider than before. “Yeah.”
Her smile reminds me of Ava and Tiller both, and I realize there’s a lot in my life I do wrong, some with shame. And I may not be strong against some, but I’m always brave for a little girl who’s part of me, even if not by birth.
Tell me something, and don’t hold back. Am I a scumbag for not wanting her to know me?
I’ll give you a minute to decide, but I’m pretty sure your answer might be somewhere along the lines of, “Fuck yeah you are.”
Maybe I should stop asking questions I know the answers to.
Do you see that guy at the table? Not the one selectively picking anything red out of his Bloody Mary I’m not sure why he ordered. The fucking thing is made from tomato juice. It’s red in color. That’s Shade. He’s fucking strange and it quite possibly pickier than a toddler with his food.
I’m talking about the one with the green Mohawk and the fuck-you-for-looking-at-me glare. Do you think I’m pleased to be out to dinner with these fools?
Not. One. Bit.
“I’ll have a cranberry juice,” Scarlet says to the waitress standing in front of our table. We’re in LA, having dinner before After Dark round two and they basically handcuffed me to the table and haven’t let me out of their sight.
“Why in the hell would you order cranberry juice?” I stare at Scarlet, lifting one eyebrow and smirk. “Do you have a bladder infection?”
Her eyes lift to mine, then my hair, and finally descend to my wicked smile. I’m smiling because I know she’s about to lie. “No, jerk. Ilikecranberry juice.”
“Bullshit.” I slap the menu on the table, slouching to one side. “No one does. It tastes like a tart nut sac.”
Scarlet laughs out loud and then slaps her hand over her mouth. “When was the last time you tasted a nut sac?”
I shrug.
“I have a theory on Tiller,” Shade pipes up. He shoves the bacon slice from his Bloody Mary in his mouth. He chews it, then waits a moment. Everyone stares at him like they’re trying to find excuses as to why I am this way. It’s useless. I don’t know why they try, but they almost always do.
My interest piques. “Yeah, what’s that?”
Shade looks at Scarlet, then Ricky, grinning. “He is the only one whowasn’tbreastfed of the three of us.”
“If anything, that makes me the normal one since I didn’t suck on the titties of a crack whore.”
“Yeah, like you haven’t since then though,” Shade adds quietly.