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I didn’t. That didn’t sound appealing. But I did read it. Didn’t stop until I was finished. I can quote tons of passages that meant something to me, but one makes me think of her.“Because she competes with no one, no one can compete with her.”
I think of her. Again. She has nothing to gain by taking me back. In fact, she has a lot to lose. And when I think of River, she’s a blessing that came into my life when I needed it most and I hadn’t realized until she was taken away.
“New beginnings are often disguised as painful beginnings.”
I realize this is what I want. Her. River. What I’ve been missing all along. She’s what I want and I’m hoping I’m not too late. It’s not like I had some grand plan to win her back. I could express my undying love, or some shit, but you don’t think I’ll come out and say I love you to a girl, do you?
Amberly has never been mine. There, I said it. But I’m irrationally hopeful she’ll forgive me and soul-crushingly disappointed she will. I know one thing. I don’t want to spend my whole life disappointing River as much as I disappoint myself.
Do you see me standing near the gift table? Do I look nervous? Do you notice the way I can’t help but not fidget and arrange? I can’t stop my heart from overacting. It’s obsessing over every miniscule detail of River’s party because I have a lot to live up to. Ava and Cullen used to go all out for her birthday parties and spare no expense.
While I need to stay within budget, my parents didn’t so they decided to throw the party at their home. Surprising huh? A lot has been surprising to me on their part. Like them finally starting to treat me as their daughter. I don’t even know when it happened. Just that one day, they acted like I wasn’t completely oblivious.
And Alexandra’s slowly starting to become a human being. Do you see her over there with her rich friends holding her barely-there bump like it’s going to fall off her? Pregnancy looks good on her. I still won’t go have lunch with her willingly, but she’s here and we’re coexisting for River. Even though I’m pretty sure River wouldn’t willingly go anywhere with her either.
“Is Tiller coming?” River asks, her voice so full of nerves.
Oh, baby girl.
I stare down at the birthday girl. I want to tell her yes, but I don’t know the answer. I gave the invitation to Willa, who said she’d give it to Tiller. Still, I don’t have a definite answer for River because this is Tiller we’re talking about. I don’t know his state of mind now he’s out of rehab and it could have gone one of two ways. Either he’s wiser, or wickeder. If that makes sense.
Still, the moment River says his name, my head rushes to the defense, telling me to let it go and knowing my heart won’t. It’s been three weeks and four days since I last saw him and while that’s not a long time, it’s the longest I’ve ever gone.
Do I still love him after everything he said to me?
Everything in me wants to say no and push Tiller and his destructive nature away from us, but I can’t lie to him. He’s never once lied to me. Loving Tiller isn’t easy, and that’s why I love him the most. It’s just like me to want a man who’s gnarly and with history. The ones whose eyes hold meaning and life forced them to be that way. And Tiller, he’s exactly that. Abrasive and controlling, hard, and stubborn, but when you least expect it, he’s tender and sweet.
But still, did he have it in him to come to my parents’ house on River’s birthday? I knew in my heart he’d come see me within a few days of getting released. There was just so much left open between us. And Tiller’s impatient. He’s always been that way. Everything’s given to him when and how he wants.
Blinking slowly, my hand on my chest, I look up at the cloudless sky.“Please, Ava, make him show.”
I sit in my truck for over an hour. Smoking. Trying to calm my nerves, but it doesn’t work. Eventually, I give up and say fuck it, it’s now or never.
Believe it or not, the first person I run into at the party is Doug Johnson. Lucky me. He catches me near the street, next to my truck.
He stares at me, like “why are you here?” Tucking one hand into the pocket of his black slacks, he lifts his chin and runs his other hand down his beard. And then he reaches for my hand and I shake his. It’s the weirdest experience of my life, and that includes the time I had lunch with a gorilla in Africa and he threw shit at me.
Maybe Doug’s getting ready to throw shit at me, and that wouldn’t be surprising at all. But he says, “I still think you’re an asshole, but I respect that you went to rehab and are at least trying to make some changes.”
Did he really say that? You heard him too, right? Am I imagining this? I wait. I don’t say anything. Is he going to throw shit at me still?
He doesn’t.
Squaring my shoulders, my posture stiffens. “I still think you’re a dick, but I respect that your Amberly’s dad and River’s grandpa so thanks.”
He laughs and motions over his shoulder, his keys in his hand. “Party’s back there.”
I thank him and walk away
I’m nervous and sweating like a pig up the driveway. I stall near the side of the house with a gift in my hand. I nearly drop it twice because my damn hands are shaking so bad. And my heart, it’s trying to beat its way out of my chest.
Christ, you’d think I was high again. And in a way, I am, but not from substance. I’m high on fear that they won’t want anything to do with me. In freestyle competition, you have two minutes to impress the crowd. If I can do that, I can certainly apologize, right?
One would think so, but I’m not entirely convinced yet.
In the backyard, it looks like a princess movie threw up. I spot Amberly first, her bright purple hair standing out against the pale pink tents in the backyard. She’s wearing a diamond tiara and looks fucking adorable in a flowy turquoise dress. Do you see her? She’s hard to miss with the hair, but she’s arranging gifts on the table, only they’re overflowing onto the grass.
I don’t move at first. I stare at Amberly’s beautiful hair. I smile because while she’s arranging gifts, she’s licking the frosting off a cupcake, and I think it’s funny. She’s hates cake. Doesn’t see the point in it when there’s frosting to be licked. The fact that I remember it makes me smile wider.