Page 97

My heart stumbles, trips over what I can’t say.
I don’t say anything. I can’t say anything. He’s silent, staring back at me with troubled eyes.
He’s waiting for something, but I don’t think he knows what.
And then he snaps, offended, scowling at me. “Why are you fucking blaming me for this shit though?”
“This isyourlife,” I point out. “This is who you are. I was so stupid to believe I could actually bring a kid into your lifestyle and it be okay. I can’t believe I was so irresponsible to think otherwise.”
It looks like he’s about to walk away, but before he does, he pushes me back against the wall, both his arms above my head and pinning me in his captivity. “Really? This is hard to believe?”
I let out a shriek of surprise, blinking rapidly.
“Are you kidding me? There’s a reason she wasn’t in my life. I never said I was anyone else. I didn’t ask for this. There’s a reason I haven’t seen her until you brought her here. I didn’t ask to be her dad. I fucked your sister.” Heat rolls off his body, the words suffocating. “That’s all. What did you think was going to happen? You’d knock on the door, and we’d be one big fucking family?” His tone is lazy and low, and sorta psychotic, just like him. “You should leave. We’ll just call this a moment of weakness, and you let the dumb asshole in for one moment. I’m not stupid enough to believe this meant anything. Get the fuck out. I’m tired of this bullshit.”
I stand there, frozen. He’s never talked to me this way.
“I’m curious, Amberly, what did you think was going to happen hanging out here?” he presses. “Did you really think she’d be okay and wouldn’t at some point find trouble?” His expression is hard. There’s no understanding and certainly no compassion. He’s destroying, trying to piss me off.
“I knew this wasn’t a place for her. I did. That’s why I’m leaving now before something else happens and I lose her forever.”
His jaw tightens, his scowl mean. Guys like Tiller, they don’t want to remember the things that make them feel. They want to destroy them. “Just fucking face it, Amberly. You werenevergoing to give me a chance.”
“I did give you a chance, Tiller. You’re the one destroying it.”
“How am I destroying it?” There’s an undertone of desperation in his voice and the way it stalls on the word. “You’re the one ending it.”
I don’t say anything, and his eyebrows arch a little, as if he’s waiting for me to say something.
When I don’t, his face loses all the emotion he once had. “For the record,Amberly, the drugs weren’t mine,” he reminds me, again.
I tell myself to walk away from him right then before we say something we shouldn’t, or maybe we already have. Tears well up in my eyes. I don’t have a response.
“To you, and every other girl, I’m that guy. I’m the one they can forget their lives with and not have to think about how I might feel about it. Your sister used me. So did you. I’m not even sure you think of me as a person. I’m just. . . the mysterious fuck you can have when you want and then when you’re done, who fuckin’ cares, right?” he says, so matter-of-factly, sadness lurking in his eyes.
“It’s probably best for you, then. That we leave.”
What am I saying? I’m not even making any sense.
His expression offers no apologies.
When I don’t say anything more, his anger rages.
Taking the edge of his nightstand, he flips it over. “What’s best for me?” he shoots back. “Me?” He points his finger at his heaving chest. “Why don’t you go ahead and letmedecide what’s fucking best for me. Never bringing her here in the first fuckin’ place would have a been a good start.” I close my eyes, tears releasing down my heated cheeks, thinking he’s done. No. He’s far from that. “Goddamn it, Amberly! I was fine. I was perfectly fine with this life and now you. . . her. . . why? Why did you have to fucking bring her here? Why did you have to go and. . .FUCK!” he screams in my face and I flinch back.
“Tiller, I didn’t—”
His glare silences me. “Yes, you did. You did this on purpose. Don’t even try to deny it now.” His lips curve at the corners, but his smile definitely isn’t one of amusement.
I shake my head, trying to deny it with actions.
“You knew this wouldn’t last.” Lowering his mouth to my ear, his harshness sends a shiver through my body. “You make me crazy. You annoy me. I can’t fucking stand it.” Drawing back, he stares, waiting for me to say something, and when I don’t, he steps back. My head snaps up, horrified by his words as my heart sinks. I gasp, feeling the blood rush to my heart with each word. I can’t deny his words sting deeply inside of me.
“Fuck you, Tiller.” I’ve never ever said words like this to him, to anyone, but I mean them.
“Honey, you already did.” His hand comes up, running over his jaw, his eyes narrowing at the door over my shoulder. He’s quiet, and part of me wonders what he’ll say next to further hurt me. What he does, only makes me angrier. “And this part, this is how it’s supposed to go.” He winks, and oh, God, does it piss me off. He gives me a more condescending smirk. “I only wanted your virgin pussy.” He shrugs and then turns away from me. “I got what I wanted so why don’t you leave?”
For some reason, his words,“I’m never not thinking of you,”comes to mind. Is he thinking of me now as he rips my heart out?