Page 19

I know I’ve already asked so much of you, but I have one more request.
I want River to know her father. . . .
Please don’t freak out, but. . . I guess in order for that to happen you would have to know who her father is. And please understand this is something I had to keep from you. Not because I didn’t trust you, but because I didn’t want you to ever look at me and judge the choices I made. God knows I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time of her conception.
Let me start from the beginning.
About a year after Cullen and I got married, we were excited to start a family. And after two years and that not happening, we found out that Cullen couldn’t have kids. It hit us both really hard, but I think I took it way harder than Cullen. I couldn’t live with the fact that I would never have my own baby to hold. He felt such guilt at never being able to give me something he knew I wanted more than anything and I resented him for the same reason. It almost broke us. We fought constantly.
One night I went out. With you. Do you remember it? I called, and you jumped at the chance. I needed some time to be away from Cullen and our life, or I was afraid it was the end of us. I wanted to escape the disappointment and feeling of resentment. That night led to River.
It was that night in Mammoth. The Warped Warriors tour. Do you remember it now? We were at that after-party, and everyone was just having such a great time and I had all those lemon drops? It was so freeing to be able to just let loose and be in your presence. I envied you. I did, I still do. No one lives life like you do.
If you remember that night at all, we really let loose, and I ended up at the Sawyer Mansion. When I woke up the next morning, I was naked in bed with him. The one person I never thought I would end up with. Tiller.
But. . . there’s more. I never meant to betray Cullen like that or stray from our marriage. Thinking it was over as soon as I told him, I came clean because I could never live with a lie that huge. You have to believe I didn’t go out that night looking to sleep with a Sawyer brother, especially not Tiller. I was ashamed and heartbroken. I couldn’t believe what I’d done.
It was four weeks later when I found out I was pregnant. I told Cullen immediately. . . my feelings, that night, all of it. It was his idea to keep the baby. He even called it a blessing in surprise because now we had the chance to experience parenthood from the very beginning. Just like I had always dreamed. So we kept the baby and no one knew she wasn’t Cullen’s biological child.
Tiller never knew. I never told him. He saw her once, and I think he might have had an idea, but he said nothing to me. Cullen and I agreed it was for the best that I not say anything to Tiller as you and I both know what his reaction, or lack of one would have been. It’s not like he ever gave the impression he ever wanted a relationship, let alone a kid, so we felt it was a good choice for everyone.
Well now that Cullen and I are gone, River is going to need her father. I know it won’t be easy. Believe me when I say I know Tiller is a real son of a bitch when he wants to be, but I also believe that when he meets River, and he realizes this little girl is a piece of him, he’ll come around. And I know you’re the person to make that happen. If anyone can get through to him, it’s you.
So please, Amberly, give me this one last thing. She needs to know him.
I love you.
Ava
Is your heart pounding like mine? Are you mad at her? I don’t know if I can be mad at her because she’s dead and she can’t defend herself, but as I look at River, peanut butter covering her lips and cheeks, I am mad. Not because of her, but because Ava slept with Tiller.MyTiller.
Dropping the letter on the table, the corners of my eyes water and I look up at the ceiling. Swallowing, I beg Ava to tell me what she had been thinking sleeping with Tiller. Why him? Of all people, why him? She knew how I felt about him. Everyone knows.
I never saw this coming. Tiller Sawyer is her biological father? Seriously though. . . my Tiller? And to think I thought I knew my sister so well. Alexandra’s warning rings in my head, a warning. She knew. She had to.“Don’t go to Tiller.”
My eyes dart to my phone on the table in front of me. My fingers itching to pick it up and call him. Should I? Should I demand he tell mewhyhe slept with my sister? I don’t though, because I think I might know the answer. He’ll blow the question off, deflect and redirect the way he always does when he’s avoiding.
My heart pounds in my chest and I can’t believe how much it aches. Straining against the pressure of my next inhale, my chest burns with beats of jealousy that she had him in a way I’ve never experienced. . . with anyone. My thoughts return to how could Tiller have slept with my sister? He knows how I feel about him. . . or does he? Truth is, he probably doesn’t.
Rubbing my eyes to catch the stupid helpless tears occupying my jealous thoughts, I think of Tiller. What can I say about him besides that in the world of motocross where he’s a legend for the tricks he’s created and mastered. Unwilling to conform to the industry standards and labeled the bad boy of the sport, they call him Wild Cat.
I knew him before he was the sinfully gorgeous FMX freestyle rider with infinite hate in his blood. I knew him back when he was a shy little boy hoping a girl would love him back.
That guy, the one who gave me a flower and then ate it when I told him I didn’t want it, he’s nowhere to be found inside the devil known as Tiller Sawyer. Between jealousy, secrets, and habits, the truth is, I don’t know who he really is... the crazy, sadistic, angry introvert who uses drugs and alcohol as a way to mask his own demons.
Revoltingly blind when it comes to him, I know what I wanted to know, and it was pretty far from who he really is.
Camden, the neighbor’s boy, sits next to me, slurping his milk from the bowl of cereal in his cupped hand. He spends most Saturday mornings at our house. It’s like he just found us one day and never left.
You’re probably wondering why his parents let him hang out with a bunch of delusional motherfuckers like us, right? His dad, Jerad Rivera, he’s a big-time criminal lawyer who has a half-his-age mail-order bride for a wife. I’ve seen that bleached-out blonde naked before too, and guaranteed, her other “side-piece” I’m sure she has is a plastic surgeon. Nothing looks natural on her. Even her ass. Still doesn’t mean I wouldn’t fuck her given the chance, because I would, but still. Fake as fuck.
Camden’s mom died when he was seven, and this new mommy treats him like a slave, so he says. At our house, he doesn’t do anything but play video games and get corrupted. Perfect for a ten-year-old. Oh, whoops, he’s eleven now.
“Hey, Tiller.” He stares at me, bumping my elbow with his. “Where’d the chick go?”
I reach for my lighter on the counter, but not my pack of cigarettes. Instead, I flip the lighter around in my palm. “What chick?”
He looks over his shoulder, eyeing the people around us, most of which I don’t know. “There was some girl puking in the sink and asking if she could have another shot of whiskey.”