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She shifts, wiggles to get a closer look, staring down at the presents. “Can I have it?”
I set her down and hand her the package. Eagerly, she tears at the bag, but the tape doesn’t let loose. Duct tape was a bad idea for kids. I help her, and she stares at the red rose cased in glass, like the one from the movie.
Her eyes find mine. I nearly cry, but don’t. The tears burn when she says, “I love it, Daddy.”
My eyes snap to Amberly, then back to River. Heart. Shattered.
She kisses my cheek and then runs off with her friends. I stand, and Amberly approaches. “Did you tell her about me?”
“That you’re her dad?”
“Yeah.”
Her stare moves from mine to River. “No. I didn’t. Yet. But the day the book arrived, she asked me if she could pick a new mommy and daddy since hers were gone.”
My chest shakes. I’m really trying fucking hard not to cry at this point. “And she chose me?”
“We both did.”
Do you catch the dual meaning? I do. And it gives me hope for more. No matter what happens here, I’m still going to be River’s father. Whether she chose me or not.
So in a way, I didn’t come for the girl, I came for the girl. Only the girl I’m after is four years old and has my eyes.
Given my actions, I had a lot to apologize for when it came to what I said in my room that day. More importantly, I need Amberly to know I didn’t mean a goddamn word of it. I need her to know while I was a piece of shit, lowlife, asshole who’d lost his mind that day, it didn’t reflect how I feel about her now.
I get my chance when River’s playing with her friends and I’m left with Amberly alone as she’s cleaning up the gifts and placing them in the back of her 4Runner. Seeming to avoid conversation with me, she doesn’t look at me much. Alexandra walks by, holding her stomach like she’s ate some bad Chinese food.
“What’s with her?”
Amberly rolls her eyes and places another bag in the back. “She’s pregnant.”
Alexandra waddles down the pebble stone driveway. All the way down it like if she moves too quickly the kid’s going to slide right out. “With what? A bomb?”
Amberly’s laughter surrounds me and I can’t take it any longer. I have to know I can see her again.
I trap her at the back, pressed up against the rear quarter panel of her car.
“I can’t take it any longer. Tell me there’s a chance,” I beg, holding her face between my hands. I want to kiss her. I almost do, but her words are important.
She swallows. She hesitates. My heart races. Maybe she can’t forgive me, and I wouldn’t blame her.
Strands of purple displace with the shifting of the wind. She’s so fucking pretty I can’t stand it.
“There’s a chance,” she whispers, searching my eyes. “But you scare me, Tiller.”
Honey, I scare myself.Though I don’t want to admit it, there’s too much wrong with me. That’s my problem. Too much so maybe she won’t forgive me, and I know I can’t blame her for it. Doesn’t stop me from trying because I’m nothing if not persistent.
“I’m not asking for forgiveness here, or even to be with you, right now.” Bullshit. “I’m asking for a chance I guess.” Knowing if I don’t, I’m going to kiss her, I let go, step back, create some distance while my heart screams for me to hold on. “Maybe a date. One night, or maybe ten. Anything to show you there’s more here than me just wanting to fuck you. I know I did a lot of fucked-up shit but goddamn it, I want to show you there’s more to this than what I led on.” I pause, waiting and then add, “Just asking for the night.”
Do you think she’s going to go for it? Fuck, I hope so. Check out her face. Do you see the way she’s watching me? She’s either going to walk away or tell me off.
“One date. That’s all,” I add again. I sound like I’m begging and I am. “One night to show you what’s real. I can’t tell you this will all work out like I want, or you might want, but if this turns out to be a big fucking mistake, let’s make that big fucking mistake together.”
My nerves sail, my stomach drops. When she closes her eyes, I want them open to make her see how consumed I am by her. I want her to see the guilt I’m wearing on my face.
I shift, uncomfortable, my hands in my pockets. “If this isn’t what you want, I’ll give up,” I tell her. “I’ll still support you and River, but I’ll leave you alone and you can be with whoever you want.”
Do you think I’m serious? Fuck that shit. I’ll kill the motherfucker who thinks he can take my place. You didn’t think I’d changed that much, did you? I might be clean, but I’m not delusional. This girl is mine. Breathing in deeply, I have to stop myself from thinking about it.