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Eventually I’m able to get away from Tiller and to the spa day with Scarlet. It’s when I return and I see River watching Tiller practice that I know for sure having him in her life is exactly what she needs.
Do you see her? She’s sitting on the very edge of the track with a helmet on, her stare focused, intent, captivated by the man soaring high above her under the lights of the track.
And in this moment, unlike the one where I found her alone, after the death of her parents, I pray she keeps this amazement she has for him. She doesn’t need to know the bad things he’s done. All she needs to know is he had a choice and he returned. In her hand, she has his shirt, holding it close to her face.
Swallowed by heartache once again, I remain out of sight, watching, her eyes light up when Tiller flies off the seventy-five-foot jump. Midair, he leaves the bike, only to catch the underside of the handlebars with the inside of his foot and raises his hands above his head, lifting his body as far from the bike as possible. Bringing the bike back to him, he rights his body and lands it.
River’s eyes, bright and excited, remain on him. Her auburn curls falling helplessly in her eyes under the helmet, completely enthralled with his every movement. I smile, watching him too, knowing he no longer turns to substances to calm his anxiety. He puts his restless ways into his riding and performances.
So much has happened in the three months since her parents died, and though sometimes it seems like forever ago, it really hasn’t been that long. I forget that at times like this. And I like to think it has to do with me, and the one holding her attention. While I agreed to one date, I knew when I made the agreement, it would be more. You can’t give a guy like Tiller just one date. He’s always going to want more.
I sit next to her and watch Tiller, Shade, and Roan practice doing side-by-side double backflips in unison, their movements exactly the same. I’ve never seen them do that together, and it’s amazing.
I look to River. “That was so cool, huh?”
River giggles, bringing Tiller’s shirt to her face, hiding it. “They’re crazy.”
She crawls on my lap and I kiss the side of the helmet. “You missed these guys, didn’t you?”
She nods. “I love them.”
A child is something you can learn from. They believe in magic, pretend to play and find pleasure in the simplest of treasures. They hope, cross their fingers, and make wishes they believe will come true. And they recover faster and survive the worst.
Sometimes the future you thought you’d have, changes, rearranges, disassembles and you’re left with a choice. Sometimes it’s not the jump you’d ordinarily take, but sometimes the reward is far greater than the fear of falling.
Being given a child, it changes you, in ways you’d never expected. Most of it is from lack of sleep, but there is love too. This unconditional love that nothing touches. They can cry all night long, wake you up at 2:00 a.m. because their sock came off, throw up, pee on you, doesn’t matter. When they smile, you forgot all that.
I had no idea what that feeling was until I held a little girl in a lilac blood-splattered dress and comforted her. I had no idea until I didn’t make her change out of the dress for a week in fear I’d upset her. That’s unconditional love.
I’m not sure what to make of Vegas. It’s so completely different being here with Amberly and River, my family I suppose. That’s what you’d call them, wouldn’t you? Don’t get ahead of yourself. I didn’t ask Amberly to marry me and in reality, we’re pretty far from that point in our relationship.
My nerves are all over the place. Remember the anxiety I have? I don’t know why, but now it’s worse than ever before. I can’t place why exactly, just that it is.
The lead up into the two-night show is what does it for me. Maybe because I care now? I always cared, whether I wanted to admit it or not. Don’t tell anyone.
We drove to Vegas and I haven’t slept in two days. Once we arrive, it’s crazy with interviews, photo shoots, and signings. Nobody listened when I said I didn’t want to do them. I’m pretty much forced into rooms and told to sit there and be nice.
They hyped the event so much even I wasn’t sure I could live up to it, and you know I’m pretty confident on my level of ability on a bike. Night one’s a disaster and while my runs are solid, they’re not enough to compete with Shade.
Tonight, I need to make up for it.
Before the show, I walk out on the track to check out the ramp setup with Shade and our mechanics. Auden, Shade’s mechanic, is worried about the length of the ninety-foot gap and the clearance overhead while Ledger, my new mechanic, he’s checking out the Red Bull girls. Goes to show you maybe I shouldn’t have made any changes. But in all honesty, I felt bad for the poor nearly divorced fool and brought him along.
Shade nudges my arm. “You gonna do a triple?” he teases.
Ricky walks up, kicking up a chunk of dirt with the tip of his shoe. He leans down, checking the consistency of it. “No, he’s not.”
I smile. I don’t tell them either way, but I never actually practiced the triple and unlike Shade, I’m not here to do the unthinkable. I’m here to shock them. And while I know a triple will, that’s Shade’s thing.
Looking over the tight track, I’m impressed with how they managed to set up inside the MGM Grand. Initially they’d planned to do the show on the strip itself, but Vegas police wouldn’t go for it in fear someone would get injured.
Once the show begins, Amberly catches me. She’s not working the merchandise trailer, but instead watching from the Red Bull suite with River. How’s that for family? They’re watching me.
I’m in the makeshift tunnel that separates the riders paddock from the waiting zone where I’m you know, fucking freaking out and thinking maybe I might get sick in the garbage can next to me.
I look at her. She’s fucking beautiful, isn’t she? Wearing skin-tight jeans that leave little to the imagination, her bright green top hangs low enough the tops of her perky tits are visible. I stare at them, thinking of all the things I’m going to do to her when we’re back in the hotel room.
“Are you nervous?” she asks.