Page 21 of Your Biggest Downfall (Ravens Hockey #3)

austin

Thank god Jeremy had a crush on her best friend.

Without him, I’d have had no idea where she lived.

I took advantage of that crush when I begged him for her address, and now I owed him big time, but it was worth it.

The moment he rattled off the address, I jumped into the nearest rideshare, willing the driver to go as fast as they could.

She was a fucking virgin, and I fucked her in a bathroom while we were high. I was an asshole.

No, being an asshole didn’t even cover what I’d done to her tonight. I liked Nova, and I’d treated her like she was just another chick, doing blow off her ass. She was worth so much more than I gave her, but the problem was I didn’t know how to give anyone anything different.

Growing up, my mom was never around. I never saw a healthy relationship, never learned how to treat someone with the respect they deserved.

The guys I hung out with were on a constant mission to chase pussy, treating girls like conquests rather than people.

But none of that was an excuse for how I’d treated Nova.

It was too late now, but I needed to be better. She deserved better.

Nova was my friend. She was there for me when I was new to the team.

She was there for me both personally and professionally.

She supported me, believed in me, and in return, I threw her away like she was nothing.

The guilt ate away at me, and I had to change—not just for her, but for myself.

I needed to learn how to treat people with kindness, especially someone like Nova, who deserved, at the very least, to be treated with respect.

I replayed the events of the night over and over in my mind, the shame in her eyes haunting me.

When I looked down at my dick and saw blood, I knew I’d fucked up.

I wished I could take it all back, do things differently.

But all I could do now was try to make amends, to show her that I could be the friend she needed, the person she deserved.

I’d been trying to connect with her, trying to find a common ground between us and show her all the ways I escaped the shit in the world. I thought that by inviting her to hang out with the team outside of work and then to do coke with me, I’d show her that she could escape too.

Fuck. Beads of sweat gathered on my brow. It didn’t fucking help that I was crashing from doing far too much coke. I was gritting my teeth so hard that it felt like they were going to break.

When the driver dropped me off, I raced into her building. Tears formed in my eyes, but I fought them back. I was a man, and men didn’t cry. So why the hell was I feeling so emotional? I wiped my face, and the mixture of sweat and tears made my arm sticky and warm.

I ran up to the second floor and knocked on the old orange door. No, knocked would be a nice way to say I pounded. When the door opened a crack, I let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank god. You answered,” I exhaled.

Luna stood in the opening, dressed in a pair of satin shorts and a matching spaghetti-strap top. “I answered,” she bit back. “Not Nova.”

“Please,” I begged, sliding my hand to the edge of the door, trying desperately to see if I could get a glimpse of her. “I know she’s in there.”

Luna lowered her voice. “She’s so embarrassed, Austin.”

I nodded profusely. “I know. Fuck.” I rubbed my hands through my hair. “Fuck. I know. That’s why I’m here. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I didn’t?—”

“Who is it, Lune?” Her voice came from the other side of the door.

Luna kept a tight grip on the door, keeping it mostly closed. I tried to push it open, but she grabbed my hand midair. “No,” she bit out. “No.”

“I swear to god, I didn’t know she was a fucking... you know.”

“Yeah, but that isn’t the fucking point here, Austin.” She seethed through gritted teeth. “You’re not understanding that she deserves so much more than that. Even if she wasn’t, you shouldn’t be doing blow off her ass in the bathroom with her. Treat her with respect.”

I blinked a few times and stepped back at her words, my guilt crashing down on me.

Tears threatened to form again, but I couldn’t cry in front of her.

I felt awful, like I had betrayed everything Nova believed about me.

Despite my efforts to hold back, I wasn’t in full control of my body.

Even with how fast I was blinking, wetness collided with my cheeks.

I stepped away, unable to bear the shame, when Luna’s posture softened, her eyes reflecting a mixture of empathy and concern.

“Austin,” she said, her voice softer.

She pushed the door open a little more, and I saw her. Nova. She looked so small and frail. She was standing behind Luna in the kitchen. Her hair was pulled up into a messy bun.

Luna turned around and walked away, and I dropped my gaze to the floor.

My heart splintered with each passing second, the fallout of my choices squeezing me like a vise.

I had made my friend feel like this—hurt, uncertain, maybe even regretful.

It was my fucking fault. I didn’t even know if I could still call her a friend.

We had crossed a line, and I couldn’t shake the fear that we’d broken something we couldn’t fix.

I liked kissing her, but that probably crossed the boundary of whatever this was.

Damn it. Don’t be dumb.

She’d never talk to me again. If I could get her to sit and listen to me. If I could tell her I didn’t know what I was supposed to do in these situations.

I lifted my hand to my cheek. Why was it getting wetter by the second?

I coughed a few times, trying to hold my emotions back. “Sorry,” I said to Luna. “This was... Fuck, this is embarrassing.”

“Let him in,” Nova said from behind Luna.

Luna nodded at me before stepping away from the door.

Seeing Nova fully now, I wasn’t sure if it was better or worse. She had taken off her makeup from earlier. Her eyes were red, and she looked so tired. Her arms were wrapped around her body, and she was wearing an oversized shirt that covered most of her tattoos.

“Why are you here, Austin?” she asked. Her voice was raspier, like she’d cried or screamed so much that her vocal cords were raw.

“Supernova,” I said softly. I took a hesitant step toward her, pushing off the doorframe.

Her eyes moved up and down, scanning my body. Whatever she saw, I didn’t want to know. Splintered, embarrassed, and small—like a child, despite all the effort put into being seen as an adult.

“You’re crying,” she whispered as she uncrossed her arms and came toward me. “Come inside before my neighbors start pulling out their phones.”

I nodded, taking a slow, deliberate step inside. This felt good. It was like I was making progress.

I walked in, turned around, and shut the door. It took me a moment longer than I’d expected to turn back around, and she was standing in the middle of the kitchen, arms back to being crossed over her chest.

“Why are you here?” she repeated.

“I didn’t know.” I kept my voice as steady as I could. “I didn’t know, and that’s not an excuse, but I’m fucked up in the head, Supernova.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, wanting another drink. I was far too fucking sober for this conversation, and the stabbing pain in my chest yearned to be numbed.

Two arms wrapped around my waist as her warm body pressed against mine.

“I don’t deserve this,” I whispered as I leaned down and pressed my face into her hair.

“You don’t,” she responded, and I chuckled quietly.

“I don’t feel good,” I said into her hair. I was lost in her tangle of curls.

“You need to get your head in a better space, Austin.” She pulled away and looked up at me with her deep, curious eyes.

“I am so sorry,” I repeated. “I thought the other night, when you told me about your mom, I thought I was giving you an escape. I thought I understood what you wanted.”

“There has to be something deeper. You’re at my door, crying. Tell me why.” She tugged on my shirt.

I didn’t know why. I just knew I was in a downward spiral and had been for the last few years. My mind was a whirlwind of emotions. I was drowning in my own inadequacies, unable to breathe or find a way out.

“I don’t understand it. I’m just trying to fucking escape, and I thought I was doing the right thing by showing you how I liked to run away from my problems.” I paused. “I hurt you. I shouldn’t have fucked you in the bathroom.”

She turned away from me and walked into the room next to the kitchen where a bed was. Was I supposed to follow her?

“It wasn’t just you, Austin.”

Fuck it. I was following her.

“I know, but it was me. I put you in a vile situation. You deserve so much more from me, from a man, from anyone, Nova. Fuck,” I cried. “You’re my friend, and I fucked you, and I fucked it all up.”

She turned back around, her eyes soft again as I took a bold step to close the distance between us.

“I don’t want to fuck it up with you,” I whispered as I wrapped my arms around her.

“Fuck what up?” she asked hesitantly, still staring at the floor.

“I don’t know. I can’t—” I closed my eyes. “I don’t do relationships, Nova, but if I ever did, I’d want to do it with you.”

She laughed and pushed away from me. “Go home.”

“What?” I threw up my hands in shock.

“Come on, Austin. You’re immature. You need to figure your shit out before you come fucking up my life.”

“I don’t understand,” I said, my voice breaking.

“You not ‘doing’”—she held up her hands in air quotes—“relationships isn’t because of some choice the world has put on you.

Treating me like I was another puck bunny tonight was shitty.

I thought this friendship was different.

I planned your stepfather’s retirement party.

We help each other in times of need. We were fucking friends,” she said, scolding me.

“We were. We can still be,” I quickly added. “I came over here to take care of you.”

It was true. I wanted to see if she was okay, if she needed a shower. I wanted to make sure I did the right thing.

“I told you. My father was a rapist. I can’t let myself be one or even close to it.”

She opened then shut her mouth, her eyes wide. “Austin, you’re not a rapist. Let me make it very clear. I consented to having sex with you. I consented to doing drugs with you.”

“I know you did, but?—”

She held up her hand. “But nothing. I said yes. You didn’t rape me.

You are not your father. But taking me in the bathroom, using the trust we’d established to convince me to do blow—that’s not how I deserve to be treated.

I want to surround myself with people who want to sit around and listen to me talk, have a glass of wine.

I want people who add value to my life and give me some semblance of normalcy.

I am not the sex-in-the-back-of-a-bathroom type. ”

“I know, but?—”

“You cannot be the person I need. Please leave. It’s four in the morning. I’m exhausted.”

I shook my head. “I don’t want to leave. I can stay and sleep on the couch. Fuck I’d even sleep at the doorstep to make sure we finish this conversation. I want to show you that I can be that person.”

“You can’t be.” She sighed. “That’s the problem.”

Nova held open the door for me. “Leave, Austin.”

“I won’t leave, Nova. I’ll be right here.” I pointed outside the door, and she shook her head.

She didn’t believe me? Fine. I’d show her I was serious. I wanted to finish this conversation. I had so much to tell her.

“I promise. I’ll do anything for you—to fix this,” I said as I stepped into the hallway, but she shook her head and shut the door.

I pressed my back against her door and slid onto the floor. I rolled my head, resting it against the wood. I would fix this in the morning.