Page 93 of The Freedom You Seek

We’d gotten too close over the last weeks, and the last few hours on the road had changed nothing to alter this conclusion. Much to the contrary, my decision was even firmer.

Somehow, this woman had slipped halfway through my defenses without me even noticing. She made me laugh, and I wanted to tease her relentlessly, all the while forcing out a protective side of me I never knew I had. I couldn’t deny anymore that this went well past the ordinary level of safeguarding.

I clenched my fist as I looked over to the fireplace where Nayana unrolled her bedroll while joking with Ireas and Thain. That was another problem: Thain. He’d rattled me before we’d picked up Nayana, but these days, he couldunravel me like nobody and nothing else, and I had no clue why. Maybe it was his reputation or the fact our personalities were completely opposite to each other. He wasn’t taking anything seriously, and I worried about what it could mean for our future journey should he continue to fuck up. The stakes were too high for such liabilities.

Shaking my head to clear my mind, I stopped myself from shouting at Thain. Instead, I strutted over to my saddlebag, unpacked my bedroll, and built my quarters for the night. I could feel Nayana’s attention on me, and I knew without looking that she frowned at the location I’d picked since it was the first time I’d chosen not to have her beside me while I was asleep.

Whatever she was thinking, she kept it to herself, and I refused to acknowledge her in any way, shape, or form. As I slipped under my blankets, I immediately turned away from her. It was vital that I kept her at arm’s length. I’d do my duty, nothing more. No friendship, no laughing, no teasing, just obligation. At the end of the day, she was nothing to me—she’d better not think the contrary.

The last days had been almost peaceful, although the longer we rode, the more I started to worry about Dion. He was behaving strangely, all tense and withdrawn, and I was sure I didn’t see him smile once. It was as if the man I’d befriended, the one who’d almost kissed me, had vanished. He was moody and brooding—well, that wasn’t new—and when we trained, both with weapons and magic, he kept his distance. I was clueless as to why, and he was flat-out refusing to talk to me at all. Even though we still rode together and my back was constantly pressed against his chest, it felt as if we were worlds apart. And everything had begun to change after our conversation with Larithia.

I was so lost in thought that I almost missed Fig speaking. “It’s Samhain in two nights. I’ve decided that we cantake the risk and join one of the many celebrations. We’ll reach the village of Rastialla tomorrow and will stay there for the duration of the festivities.”

I expected protest because of the rather urgent nature of our travels and because my head was still adorned with a hefty bounty, but everyone just nodded appreciatively.

Samhain was one of the four big annual celebrations and marked the end of the harvest season. Usually, festivities included feasting and dancing around bonfires, children dressing up in costumes, and loved ones exchanging gifts.

“You never struck me as someone who liked festivities, Fig.”

“Sometimes celebrations are the only break we get. Also, traditions ground us and appease the gods. It’s wise to uphold customs.”

I nodded, surprised at the graveness infused in his voice. Yes, Fig was the most serious of the men, but this intensity was much, even for him. Even after months of traveling together, my company still managed to surprise me.

Dion remained silent as he’d been so often in the last few days. If I didn’t feel his body caging in mine, I could have forgotten about his presence at all.

“Do you also enjoy celebrating the seasonal festivals, Dion?”

The only reaction I got was a vaguely affirmative huff. I clenched my teeth. At some point over the past few days, his silent treatment and the distance he put between us had started to hurt. If only he’d speak to me about what was bothering him. Instead, all he’d accomplished at some point earlier today was to turn my pain into burning anger.

“Wonderful talk. Maybe we should pick up a horse for me in Rastialla, as you’re clearly displeased by my company.” Not that anyone had bothered to teach me how to ride, but I figured after all these weeks on horseback, I’d somehow cope.

“Not the worst idea.”

Dion’s sharp response punched the breath right out of my lungs, and unfortunately, I had to hold back tears of embarrassment. Hurt and anger waged a war inside of me, and I wanted to rage against the man I called my friend. What a friend, indeed. I got mad at myself that I’d even thought about considering the Rite of Binding. Because right after we’d left Larithia, I had done so. But if Dion’s behavior of late had taught me one thing, it was how right I was to fight to keep my independence.

“What’s your problem?” The words flew out of my mouth before I could hold them back. “For days, you either pretend I’m not there or that I’m the greatest inconvenience to you. But you know what? It’s time for you to stop acting like the world’s biggest ass and instead talk to me, Dion.”

“Have you ever considered that youarethe greatest inconvenience to me, Jama?” Dion’s voice sounded bored and distant, and each word cut through me like a knife, even though I recognized his behavior as one of his usual masks—but this one he hadn’t been putting on with me for ages.

“Fuck you, Dion,” I growled, and he just shrugged as my heart was breaking into tiny pieces, splintering in a way Ididn’t understand. The rest of the day, I didn’t try to talk to him once.

That night was the first one since I’d started traveling with the men thatIchose not to sleep next to Dion. We’d spent the last nights at opposite ends of the camp, but it had always been him making a performance of staying away from my resting place as far as he possibly could. Today, I didn’t give him the chance to put on a spectacle. Instead, I didn’t even pay him any attention as I unrolled my bedroll away from everyone. The fire was quite far away, but I was absolutely willing to freeze for a night if it meant proving a point. But the reaction I’d secretly hoped for never came, and more frustration piled on top of everything else.

I stayed awake for a while, and only when I was sure everyone else had fallen asleep—except for Thain on guard duty somewhere—I allowed myself to break down. I felt as if I’d lost something precious, something of utmost importance, without even knowing why. My chest ached like never before, and tremors shook my whole body as a thousand knives slashed through my intestines. Not understanding my visceral reaction at all, I just let it all out.

My tears didn’t dry until I fell asleep.

But even sleep wouldn’t grant me a break tonight. Instead, I slipped into another nightmare.

I was in a town I’d never seen before. The air was icy and unpleasant, even for me, who preferred the cold over the heat any day. No matter where I looked, I couldn’t spot a single familiar face.

The moment I started to walk, everyone’s eyes shot toward me, all their faces full of anger and disgust, and so hateful I stumbled and collapsed to the ground. Too exhausted to push myself to my feet, I stayed on my hands and knees as the crowd stared down at me.

At last, a young boy opened his mouth from a few feet away. “Murderer.”

One by one, everyone joined the boy, creating a horrifying, echoing chorus that froze me in place.

Suddenly, two unknown men gripped me by my elbows and dragged me toward the center of the town square. My knees scraped against the uneven pathway, and when the men finally allowed me to sag onto the ground again—without letting me go completely—my skin was bloody and raw. It took me so much effort just to lift my head, and I half expected to see another gallows, but I was at least spared that. Instead, there was a pole surrounded by wood and kindling—a pyre. Not that this was better or any consolation.