Page 5 of The Freedom You Seek
Two hours later, I said goodbye to Rewi. Afterward, I returned home, and to my relief, my mother was satisfied with the quality of my errands. Or at least she didn’t scold me, which was good enough for me.
She didn’t comment on the flowers I’d brought home, not even when I put them in a vase while humming. I couldn’t help but suspect that something was up.
However, my mother kept her attention on her boiling pots, stirring a rich-smelling stew. The aroma of herbs in the air reminded me I hadn’t eaten anything yet.
“You put a lot of effort into a midweek meal.” My tone was cautious.
My mother nodded as she tasted her food. She reached for the salt and added another pinch to herstew.
“By the way, I met Bryon in town. He’s back from Ivreiana. Decorated in royal honors.” I didn’t know what came over me. My parents never liked Bryon very much. His father was a local fishmonger, and truth be told, my parents considered themselves better than his family, simply because my father kept the books for the mayor of Credenta.
Even that didn’t get a reaction out of my mother. Instead, she turned her head and stared at me with hard eyes. “We’ll have company tonight. Your father expects you to be on your best behavior. And I do too. Don’t let us down.” Her tone was sharp and clipped, and I was almost able to hear the added ‘as usual.’
What I considered‘my best behavior’was never enough for my father, and I suppressed a wince. Curious and slightly worried about the important visitor coming in the middle of the week, I tried to get some more information from my mother. But before I could, she continued voicing her demands.
“Make sure you’re cleaned up at dinnertime. Wear the dress we got you for the celebratory dinner at the mayor’s house last winter. Your father insists on it.”
My frown deepened even further, and I could feel my good mood vanishing. The sour taste in my mouth and an uneasy feeling knotting my insides did nothing to calm my nerves. “Will you tell me why? Who’s coming that you’re making such a fuss about?”
Despite knowing it was unwise, I pushed my mother for answers. There was a good chance I needed to mentally prepare myself, and I wondered if I’d be able to sneak outbefore the guest or guests arrived. My absence would be best for everyone, including me. A bad feeling and a sense of doom settled deeper into my bones.
“You’ll see, Nayana. Don’t even think about slipping out to avoid dinner. Tonight is not only important for your father and me, but it’s also significant for your future. So, go to your room and stay there until I call you.”
As my mother dismissed me, I paled and knew better than to continue with my inquiry. I could only push her so far before getting into big trouble. I nodded briskly, doing my best to conceal my dread.
The fact that my mother mentioned that this visit was significant for my future deepened my anxiety. This could only mean one thing: they’d found a potential suitor for me. Bile climbed up my throat at the thought alone.
Deep in contemplation, I did as I’d been told and went to my room. Recently, my parents kept mentioning the fact that I was still unmarried at the age of twenty-four, and I wasn’t able to shake the feeling they wanted to take matters into their own hands. If my fears came true, this dinner guest would visit us in search of a wife, and in this case, I’d have to walk a tightrope—I’d need to discourage the hopeful fool while avoiding provoking my father’s wrath. Not that I hadn’t done it several times before, but the older I got, the harder it was to avoid my parents’ matchmaking. At this point, it would require a miracle, that much was certain.
I shut the door to my room and glared angrily at the beautiful, deep red dress my mother had laid on my bed. I scowled at it, wondering how I could be on my bestbehavior and still show the potential suitor I wasn’t a good match for him.
The idea of love or lifelong companionship had never appealed to me. I was sure I’d be fine on my own, but society demanded that a woman had to belong to a man—as his property. The thought made my skin crawl.
I wished I could move out, start working, and live on my own, but the stupid laws demanded the permission of aguardianfor all that. The term guardian was used as a fancy word for handler or owner in the law, euphemizing the reality of women all over the entire world. And becoming the property of a man was the last thing I wanted. So, even though I might have a small crush on Bryon, it meant nothing at all in the long run. I just craved to be me and live my life independently.
Even though I believed Bryon was a good person, I didn’t want to be tied down to anyone—I hungered to be free. But it was more than obvious that my parents would never grant me such leeway, especially since the law wasn’t on my side.
Often enough, I’d seen my peers heartbroken. They thought it was love they’d felt, but in my eyes, thisloveresembled more of a messed-up disease that festered until someone broke down under the pain. So no, falling in love wasn’t something I desired, and being owned or bound to someone was even less appealing.
Worse, I’d observed often enough what happened to old friends of mine after they’d gotten married—out of convenience, duty, or love—and the resulting outcome had never been pretty. Apart from Rewi—who shared mysentiments about the stupidity of the law—all of my former female friends were wedded to this day, and all of them were unhappy to different degrees. Without exception, both Rewi and I had been labeled as bad influences by their husbands, and so all friendships had ended.
For the time being, my father was my guardian—which was bad enough—until he could hand over this duty to a husband or owner. My father would often threaten to sell me if I didn’t fall in line, which was a fate just as bad as being married.
I hated the laws, but even if I made it across the border to one of the neighboring countries, it wouldn’t change anything since those decrees had been enacted by one of the ancestors of King Pritatus, who governed over Ivreia as a whole. When? I had no clue since our history didn’t go back more than two hundred winters.
At moments like this, I wished Rewi was right and there was another world existing, one where a woman’s worth wasn’t defined by the man at her side. A place where they wouldn’t keep us in line and powerless by threatening to sell us to work as performers of dubious arts, as courtesans, or worse.
Thinking about this topic frustrated me every time, and it was even worse knowing I could do nothing to change the situation. Fighting was futile; countless others had tried it time and time again. My resistance to the future I loathed with a passion would have to come to an end soon—my father and mother would see to that. Still, I’d try to lie to myself as long as I was able to, or I’d go madwith fury, which would only result in making my whole situation at home even more unbearable.
In the end, I did what my mother had ordered, cleaned myself up, and even tried to style my blonde locks into something resembling a proper hairstyle. I gathered most of the tresses in a half-up do and allowed some strands to curl around my face, framing it delicately.
The corset top of the dark red dress accentuated my waist and bust, and the generous skirt flared out from my hips. With a snug fit around my arms, the sleeves reached down to my wrists. The gown was made of a soft cotton fabric and had been tailored to my measurements. The neckline didn’t put a lot of my cleavage on display—even though the cut of the gown was pretty, it was also modest. This was by far the fanciest dress I’d ever owned in my life, but all the joy it’d brought me in the past had vanished.
My mother had left a small jewelry box on my bed in addition to the dress, and I opened it after I’d finished all the other preparations.
As I looked into the small container, cold sweat broke out all over my skin, and my stomach clenched. Touching it only with the tips of my fingers as if it were poisonous, I picked up the delicate choker and studied it. Supposed to be draped snugly around my neck, the golden band held a pendant featuring a garnet—my birthstone and thenamesake of my middle name. The stone was deep red and almost burning from within. The craftsmanship was excellent, even I was able to see so, but I couldn’t admire the artistry at all. Its beauty meant nothing compared to the significance the choker held.
Unattached women didn’t wear such pieces of jewelry, while betrothed or married ones always did, branding them in a sick showcase of ownership. Men usually wore matching bracelets, except that they weren’t breaking the law should they choose not to do so.